Posts

The Unspoken Grief of Having to Listen to Your Mother-in-Law Complain About Not Being a Grandparent

But what about my unspoken grief of having to listen to my mother-in-law complain about not being a grandparent? I don’t hear the New York Times knocking on my barren front door for a quote. 

Avoiding No-Well

Mistletoes: similar to athlete's foot, an infection caused by wearing stockings not hung with care. It can be easily treated with a medicated tannen-balm.

Lesser Known Holiday Specials

Murder on the Polar Express: The kids are forced to solve the murder of Mr. Conductor with the help of Hercule Poirot, who just happens to be on the train.

Welcome to the Many Seasons of TJ Maxx!

February: love is in the air. It's also in your kitchen, bathroom, and foyer. March: more leprechauns than you will ever need. April: same as March, only with rabbits. And more!

CARTOON: Christmas Contagion

Catch the spirit! Today's cartoon by Steve Daugherty.

CARTOON: Elf Problems

Back in the toy shop. Today's cartoon by Mat Barton & Adam Cooper.

CARTOON: Pornaments

Where's dad? Today's cartoon by Kit Lively.

I Saw Mommy Kissing the Easter Bunny (But So Did Santa Claus, Unfortunately)

You shouldn't judge my mother. She was a single mom working a full-time job and raising two small children. Of course, she found it difficult to date men who weren't put off or intimidated by the fact that she had kids. Perhaps it's only natural that she gravitated towards quasi-mythical holiday gift-bearing immortal figures like Santa Claus. He wasn't afraid of children, not in the least. We were the only reason he came around in the first place. That and the cookies.

#HellishHolidayMovies

A Christmas Gory, Funeral Home Alone, The Satan Clause, and more #HellishHolidayMovies on this week's trending joke game!

How to Tell if You’re Lighting the Menorah or Gaslighting the Jewish People

If you’re hanging out with Jewish friends around sundown during the week of Hanukkah, and you say something like ‘the history of Jewish suffering is overrated,” you’re both lighting and gaslighting. 

Wing Man

After more than a century of trying, I was finally an Angel/First Class…ironically. Yes, my Wings were gained via sarcasm. So technically, I have two glowing, glorious Wings growing out of my back now. But they might as well be two glowing, glorious Asterisks.

FOOD & WHINE Magazine: Captured by the Holidays Issue

The 12 Days of Crisis, Holding A Fudge Grudge, Drunk Uncle Or Eccentric Relative: How Large Is The Will? and more in Food & Whine Magazine: Captured by the Holidays Issue!

More Terrifying German Monsters Who are Not Krampus for the Other Holidays

The Krampus, the goat-like German Christmas demon, is responsible for spreading a festive mix of anxious joy and existential terror every year on December 6th when he comes to punish the naughty children. But once the Christmas season is past, who takes over the hallowed task of striking warmth and dread into the hearts of people, throughout the year? 

"Don't Smile Until Thanksgiving" and Other Tips for New Teachers

To earn your kindergarten students’ respect, start the year off strict and smile-free. Your students might test your anti-smiling resolve prior to Thanksgiving by saying cute things like, “You’re my best fwend” or “I wuv you.” Do not break. If students catch you smiling before Thanksgiving, they will probably assume you are a professional clown.

CARTOON: Beach Groundhog

Shadows? Forget shadows. Today's cartoon by David Ostow.

CARTOON: OmniScrooge

Goosed! Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein.

CARTOON: Rude Mood

That's nuts. Today's cartoon by Dan Misdea.

I’m a Christmas Elf and There’s Nothing Festive About My Legs Dangling From This Car’s Trunk

In a disheartening and disgusting twist of fate, it seems people are actually amused by the site of my nearly severed legs flapping helplessly in the wind. It taunts me to hear people’s giddy reactions to my plight: “Oh my gosh, look at those adorable elf legs! Isn’t that cute, they’re sticking out from the trunk. How festive!” What’s wrong with you, can’t you see I need help?

Top Humor Books Gift Guide 2021

Between supply chain shortages, lingering pandemic, and the de facto legalization of coup attempts, everything is still a mess, and we know you’ve been too preoccupied with your ongoing nervous breakdown to get your shopping done. Lucky for you, Humorist Books is here with our 2021 Holiday Humor Book Gift Guide!

CARTOON: Cyber Monday

Shocking excitement! Today's cartoon by Tyson Cole.

CARTOON: Fur Tree Folks

Don't get all sappy. Today's cartoon by Ali Solomon.

Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer and Other Family Mishaps That Ruined The Holidays

Cousin Gilroy got mugged by Eight Maids-a-Milking, Brother-in-Law Greg got visited by Three Tom Hanks’ of Polar Express’s past, and more!

CARTOON: Holiday Chopping

They decorate them after the slaughter. Today's cartoon by Grayson Gibbs.

CARTOON: Wear Your Santa Mask

The 12 days of isolation. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

CARTOON: Cyber Monday

When the Internet God created coupon codes. Today's cartoon by Tyson Cole.

I'm the 47-Pound Raccoon That Goes Through Your Trash Every Thanksgiving, and I've Decided to Stay Home This Year

I want you to know that this was not a decision I came to lightly. It was only after a long discussion with my 53-pound raccoon wife and our seven 25-pound raccoon children that we have decided to decline your kind offer to spend Thanksgiving with you and yours. You may not remember extending an invitation, but the untouched casserole Larry threw out the window when you weren’t looking did all the talking. 

Hallmark Hanukkah Movies

Menorah or Less: Investment banker Ilan loses his money, his apartment, and his girlfriend when his firm goes under. He takes a job at a meal-delivery service where a late-night order for a pastrami sandwich leads him to Hannah who needs help saving her startup.

10 True Facts About the War on Christmas

In George Orwell’s novel, 1984, the character of Emmanuel Goldstein, the fictional enemy of the state, is loosely based on Elf on the Shelf. 

CARTOON: The First Regift

The original fruitcake. Today's cartoon by Michael Shaw.

CARTOON: Festive Feeling

It's the little things. Today's cartoon by Ali Solomon.

CARTOON: In Holiday Heat

That's not Rudolph's nose. Today's cartoon by Brandon Hicks.

CARTOON: Gift Of Thanks

Giving the gift of thanks. Today's cartoon by David Ostow.

Holiday Sacrifice Guide

For protection from storms: The wind and snow Gods are the by far the most difficult to appease – even our most revered shamans only guess right about half the time. However, it never hurts to sacrifice your fattest piglet just in case!

Gift Guide for Everyone in Your Godforsaken Life, Including Karen

Your Ex: Like last year, and the year before that, you drop an unmarked envelope containing your nail clippings under their front door.

Coming Soon! To That Place in the Strip Mall Where the Halloween Store Used to Be

The Divorced Dad’s Den: Drum Kits, Leatherette Sofabeds, & More!

CARTOON: Christmas Past

CARTOON: Baked Cookies

Nothing like freshly baked cookies. Today's cartoon by Kit Lively and David DeGrand.

Festive Methods Of Suicide

    The Ol’ Mistletoe over the exhaust…

I Am the Peppermint Cookie From the Cookie Exchange That Makes All the Other Cookies On Your Cookie Tray Taste Minty

I am the peppermint cookie someone brings every year. I have likely been sprinkled or dusted or otherwise imbued with crushed candy cane. That crushed candy cane likely glistens. Perhaps I have an Andes candy baked and melted all up in my innards. For all we know I have been infused with some peppermint extract. No matter what guise I adopt this year, the result is the same. I am going to make every other cookie on your cookie tray taste like it’s been dipped in Listerine. The blue kind of Listerine.

CARTOON: Christmas Spirit

Less is more. Today's cartoon by Mike Shiell.

‘Tis The Season For Eating Decorative Pine Cones And Falling On Ice

Nothing is more magical than winter. How does ice happen? Where…

CARTOON: Yuletide Ban

Today's cartoon by Kit Lively and David DeGrand!

CARTOON: Holiday Tripping

Take a holiday trip! Today's cartoon by Scott Nickel!

Holiday Maladies

LegNog: Most often caused by being bitten in the leg by a reindeer with lyme disease. And more.

Least-Purchased Cyber Monday Deals

"Extrava-Danza! The Poetry of Tony Danza" audiobook, 54 cents, and more.

Out Of My Way, We’re Boarding the Same Flight

I have a small personal item such as a laptop computer, iPad or E-reader. Actually, I have a laptop, iPad, and E-reader. I also have an iPod. Remember those? I have no idea why I have it, but I will drop it at least once during the flight, after drinks are served, and will create a ruckus to retrieve it.

Repurposing Halloween Junk Into Thanksgiving And Christmas Junk!

Leftover Halloween candy (yeah, right) can be used as Christmas…

Santa's Letters to Celebrities as Children

Hi Anthony, Thanks for the nice letter!   …

Holiday Carols for Mercury Retrograde

“I May or May Not Be Home for Christmas” I’ve been sitting…

The Dark Truth Behind Popular Christmas Songs, As Told By Supporting Characters

"Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer" As told by: Dasher Okay, let…

CARTOON: Jackasses-In-A-Box

Lepre-Caan's St. Patrick's Day Tips

No Pushing And Shoving At The Bar! A snub-nosed 38 pressed into…

Leaked Drafts of Donald Trump's Remarks About Some Upcoming Holidays

Susan B. Anthony Day Today we honor Susan Anthony. Lots to…

Useless Tinder Rip-Offs

Just in time for the horrible, lonely holidays! Here Come The…

CARTOON: Jack Off The Box

Black Friday Lives Matter

A Eulogy For a Family Member Trampled and Killed During Black…