Counseling nervous flyers and victims of sexual assault since 2018!
Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be free of panic when confronted with a boarding pass? Tired of feeling claustrophobic when the aircraft door locks shut? Are you a victim of sexual assault who gets white knuckles just thinking about the prospect of sitting in front of eleven crusty men in the event that your predator becomes a Supreme Court nominee decades from now?
Psychologists know that many who suffer from aerophobia still manage to fly on occasion. And Judiciary Committee Republicans know they must seize on any appearance of inconsistency in a credible testimony. This means if you’re reluctant to fly to D.C. to be scrutinized by douchebags about your near-rape, but have visited family in Delaware, you could be pegged as a lying left-wing conspirator and puppet of the Clintons.
The risk is great. Avoid the appearance of being self-contradictory! Our experts will help you fly the friendly skies, AND give you the tools you need to navigate your next senate prosecution with confidence!
The right program for you:
Chances are that you’ve never experienced actual danger in flight, but we understand that your fears are real. We’ve all heard the statistics: you’re more likely to get assaulted by a belligerent entitled brat at Georgetown Prep, than to die in a plane crash over Mali. But to the nervous flyer, this means jack shit. That’s why we’ve developed proprietary tools to help you overcome your anxiety about engine noise, and rewire the brain circuitry that had you thinking there was the slightest chance in hell that “boof” meant “fart.”
Cognitive Behavior Therapy: We’ll teach you to respond to the first indications of fear by focusing on relaxing mantras, such as “I liked beer. I still like beer.” Then we’ll employ a hands-on approach to change your thought patterns, beginning with everyone’s favorite: Turbulence. We like to start on the ground. And thanks to a new partnership with Fox News, we’re thrilled to offer clients an opportunity to ride in Judge Jeanine Pirro’s Cadillac as she does 182 miles per hour in a 65 mph zone. After that, you’ll be able to handle the most terrifying events, be it Captain’s orders to “Brace for impact,” or learning that Brett Kavanaugh’s “boof” actually means ingesting alcohol up the anus.
Virtual Reality Exposure: Ready to take off and land in the cockpit!? Once you’ve overcome the dread of ascent and dissent, we’ll take you to an actual Senate Judiciary Committee where you’ll be eased into its inner-workings by attending a hearing on “Oversight of the Enforcement of Antitrust Laws.” Imagine the pride you’ll feel when you graduate to a session on “Examining Shell Companies as Avenues for Foreign Interference.” In no time, you’ll be attending a hearing to nominate a raging male judge to the Supreme Court of the United States!
Access to Immediate Counseling: We’re available 24/7 to provide support for all your needs. Whether you’ve just been booted from an Airbus A380 to a single-engine prop plane that you’ve been assured can fly in extreme weather across the Atlantic, OR encountered a Republican senator who is waving a Bible (or penis) in your face, while admonishing you to hang your head in shame for the remainder of your natural life…
We’re here for you!
1) All my life, I’ve had a crazy fear of being sucked out of the door of an airplane and plunging into the Pacific on my way to the Fiji Islands. After taking your course, I could get up to pee mid-flight without fright, AND sit before a senate judiciary committee without worrying that they would be mad at me for taking a vacation even though I hate to fly.
2) I used to get a queasy stomach when I heard jet engines start. Now, I only need Prilosec when I hear Orrin Hatch call me “an attractive, good witness.”
3) For years, I was haunted by a reoccurring dream in which a folksy-looking attorney from a southwestern town I’ve never heard of smiles and says: “In fact, you fly fairly frequently for your hobbies, and you’ve had to fly for your work. Is that true?”
Thanks to your program, not only do I fly for hobbies and work, but now I also fantasize about attending an aboriginal people dance at a Barunga Festival in Australia. Bring it on!
Our program is guaranteed. If you are not 100% satisfied with the confidence you have when you sit for your next grilling by a pack of angry white men in a senate judiciary hearing, you will receive a full refund.
Don’t get caught off guard! Your credibility could be on the line!
Call toll free: 800-BELIEVE-HER
Margaret Hetherman is a Brooklyn-based writer whose essays and satire can be found on sites that include McSweeneys, The Belladonna Comedy, BitchMedia, The Establishment, The Rumpus, PointsInCase, LOL Comedy, Purple Clover, Scientific American, with other work on CNN and BBC. She keeps one foot in the Detroit area, specifically at Zingerman’s deli (somewhere between the Reuben and the free samples of olive oil).