The College has Hired a Ragtag Group of Academic Con Artists to Ensure we Pass Middle States

Dear faculty and colleagues,

 

As you know, per the university bylaws passed by the New Jersey College Board, we’re required to hastily fix our screw-ups and oversights every five years. In the past, the college has managed to pull off some truly impressive feats of last-minute accountability. Who among us can forget the Great Adjunct Pay Day of 2000, the Raccoon Clean Out of 2005, the Middle-of-the-Night Asbestos Removal of 2010, and the Processing of Students Named Kevin in 2015? All of these are great last-minute achievements that kept our middling, under-funded division II towny college from being a complete laughing stock. Still, there were slip-ups. To wit: the Hiring of Baby Professor in 2005, the Coke Ring Classroom in 2010, and the Groundhog President in 2015. We’ve skated by on our good looks and luck for too long, and now that we have a problem with our water fountains only dispensing Dr. Pepper, we can’t afford to take a risk. This is why the college has decided to hire a ragtag group of academic thieves to help us pass Middle States.

 

You may have seen emails containing job postings for the position of “Attractive Con Artist,” “Charming Hacker,” and “Quipy Burglar.” If you applied for any of these, I’m sorry to say you were not selected for the position at this time, but are welcome to apply in the future, if we decide there’s a need. As usual, the university went with outside candidates for these positions, and I’m pleased to introduce them all to you here. Without further ado, please welcome…

 

Greg Manx, AKA The Maestro, AKA The Assistant Professor of Psychology. Not to be confused with an actual professor (though we may create a position for him, if we recognize a need for a Theft major over the next few years), Greg Manx received PhDs in behavioral psychology from Harvard, Columbia, and Texas A&M, as well as a plaque for being the best scooper at Melissa’s Vegan Ice Cream. He went on to conduct research for the government, before his work was deemed too radical. Since then, he’s put his education to use as a ringleader for various heists, flim-flams, and bilks. He’s classically handsome, and may or may not have an estranged wife, which only makes him sexier. He’ll be in charge of charming the committee and diverting attention from our mistakes with his cunning, wit, and offer of free buffet coupons.

 

Zazie Gabilanes, AKA The Diversion, AKA The Feminist Theory TA. Tired of having no backstory to flesh out, and nicknames like “Legs,” “Foxy Moxy,” and “Bo-Bo the Beautiful,” Zazie is pursuing a PhD in Feminist Theory at Tufts. She’s published articles on how stock female characters are derogatory in publications like Feminist Cinema Critique, The Journal of One Last Job, The Souderbergh Review, and the side of the building she just robbed. Brainy an beautiful, Zazie will flirt with the assessment team if she so chooses, seduce no one she’s uncomfortable with, and wear the hell out of a work-appropriate Louis Vuitton outfit.

 

Miko Nguyen, AKA Codes-A-Plenty, AKA Director of IT Services. Do you remember the recent gambling scandal at North College? How about the drunken messages sent by the provost at South? Maybe the fan-fiction fiasco of West CC? No? This is because Miko expertly removed those embarrassing emails before they could be sent out. Anticipating that our own provost will pull a dumb move like sending scripts to everyone that works at the college and inviting them to parrot back information to the assessment team, we’ve hired Miko to ensure that none of his desperate, midnight-hour emails ever get sent.

 

Chandler Ladick, AKA Captain Quips, AKA The Public Speaking Instructor. Rumor has it that Chandler’s printer ran out of ink before his dissertation defense, and he made his case for his work on quantitative mathematics by giving an impassioned speech on red onions and the nature of democracy. He’s the smoothest talker in town, and always has a mildly funny comment to make. He can look anyone in the eye and tell them their terrible cookies are good, they haven’t gained weight, and that their research is in important contribution to the field. He’ll be our point-person when it comes to schmoozing, wining and dining, and general hobnobbing with our visitors.

 

Caroline Ocean, AKA Fingers, AKA The Chair of the Classical Music Department. Caroline grew up stealing Rolex watches and rubies off of tourists on the mean streets of Chicago. She then went on to to steal the tears of all who heard her play Mahler’s beautiful concertos at Berklee. Caroline will be crucial in making sure all doors that lead to rooms with exposed wires, burning trash cans, and the provost are mysteriously locked before a representative can try and open them. Additionally, she’ll help the faculty seem relevant by playing piano renditions of songs that students in 2020 love, such as Outkast’s “Hey Ya,” “Hey Jude” by The Beatles, and Rex Koury’s “Old Trails,” which was the theme song to the hit show Gunsmoke.

 

Each new hire will be on campus until Middle States assessment has concluded. We hope you’ll make them feel welcome while they do their best to make sure we can all continue to help students, and more importantly, apply for grants to get away from students. For those that want in on the game, we’ll be hosting a Raymond Chandler themed office meet and greet in Blair Hall this Friday at 1pm.