The White House Party Planning Committee Brainstorms For Cinco de Mayo

TED: Okay, listen up hombres. The White House Cinco de Mayo party is around the corner and we still haven’t locked anything down.

JIM: When is it again?

KARL: Seriously?

MARIA: May 5th.

JIM: Right.

TED: What do we have so far?

MARIA: Last time we met, we talked about a border patrol theme, which I was vehemently against.

TED: I remember. Did we run it by POTUS?

KARL: Yeah, he had a good build: thought it might be fun to temporarily erect a wall around the South Lawn and blindfold everyone, so they have to feel along the fencing to get to the party.

TED: That’s interesting. Maybe we could get Mexico to pay for it.

JIM: Seems like a lot of work. Couldn’t we just fly up some real border guards or get a couple of those guys who sing in the hats?

KARL: A mariachi band. That’s good. What if it was just Eric and Don Jr. in funny Mexican outfits with tiny, stick-on mustaches?

MARIA: Sorry, I know I’m new to the committee, but I think that might be slightly insensitive.

TED: Oh come on, Maria. What’s more Mexican than a mariachi band?

MARIA: It’s not the idea of the band, so much as—

KARL: POTUS also mentioned wanting to read from his favorite Mexican poem.

JIM: Which one?

KARL: “La Bamba.”

TED: Love that.

JIM: We should definitely get some Trump Tower Taco Bowls. Those were a big hit with the base in 2016.

TED: Great idea. We can fly them in on Air Force One, so they don’t get cold.

KARL: You mean Air Force Uno.

JIM: Nice!

(High fives.)

KARL: Maybe we sell them for ten percent off if you report a case of voter fraud?

TED: Smart. But let’s make sure they don’t have lettuce. POTUS is allergic to greens.

JIM: Good call.

MARIA: Um, maybe we could also have some authentic Mexican food, like tamales and horchata?

(Blank stares.)

KARL: Are kids coming to this thing?

JIM: Yeah, I was thinking we could get Speedy Gonzales to pose for pictures with them.

TED: You mean, like a Sean Spicer Easter Bunny type thing?

JIM: No, no, I mean the guy who brings POTUS Diet Cokes. You know, what’s his name…

MARIA: Andre Garcia? He’s a senior policy advisor for Cuba.

JIM: Yeah, but POTUS calls him Speedy Gonzales. It’s cute. He’ll get a kick out of it.

KARL: It would be awesome if we could get the Taco Bell Chihuahua.

JIM: “Yo quiero taco bell!”

TED: I don’t know. POTUS hates dogs.

JIM: Fuck, you’re right.

KARL: Maybe we keep it in a cage? Goes with the border theme.

MARIA: Not to be a negative Nancy, but that dog died in 2009. Also, that ad campaign was widely criticized for being racist.

JIM: Whatever, I’m sure we could find another Chihuahua.

KARL: This might be too kitsch, but Stephen Miller told me about an alt-right boy band from Santa Monica called MS-13. We could have them play.

JIM: Or what about an immigrant dunk tank, where you get to drop a DACA kid in a vat of guacamole if you hit the target with a chalupa?

KARL: Yes! POTUS loves carnival games. Remember when we did the Weight Guessing Booth for International Women’s Day?

MARIA: What about something more traditional? Like a live performance with Oaxacan folk dancers?

(Deafening silence).

TED: Look, Maria, we’ve been planning Mr. Trump’s parties for twenty-five years and we’ve never thrown a dud, so maybe just listen and learn, okay?

JIM: It still feels like we’re missing the big PR story.

KARL: This might be a little out there, but…

JIM: Spit it out, muchacho.

KARL: What if POTUS pardoned the Menendez Brothers?

JIM: HO-LY-SHIT.

TED: Now that’s the kind of idea that makes or breaks a par—Maria? Where are you going?

MARIA: I’ll tell you where I’m going: home! I QUIT! And FYI, the Menendez brothers are not Mexican!

(Maria leaves.)

JIM: Jesus, who pissed in her chicharones, am I right?

TED: Must be that time of the month.

KARL: Sayonara amigo!

JIM: Pretty sure “sayonara” is French.

KARL: Really?

(A rare, reflective beat.)

JIM: What about balloons filled with heroin?

TED: Genius.

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