This Turd In A Box Is Our Last Best Chance
OK, Dems, it’s go time. The 2020 presidential race represents our last chance to defeat that melted Dreamsicle in a dollar-store wig and restore at least a modicum of sanity to American government, and we can’t fumble the ball by focusing on petty internecine struggles – if there’s one thing Republicans want, it’s for the Left to form a circular firing squad and start shooting. That’s why it’s so important that we rally behind whichever candidate has the best chance of defeating Herr Cheeto, even if that candidate is this turd in a box.
Remember back in 2016, where we all jokingly named things we would vote for before we ever cast a vote for Donald Trump? A newly-sentient potato, a painted rock, a sack of dirty hair? Well, now’s our chance to put our money where are mouths are, and support this turd in a box with all the passion we can muster.
I know, I know. You’re not terribly excited by this turd in a box. You were hoping for someone who would fight for single-payer health care, or who took climate change seriously, or who was neither a turd nor in a box. But poll after poll shows that this turd in a box has just the right mix of blandly inoffensive charisma and down-to-earth charm to appeal to the middle-of-road voters we so desperately need in our corner. Don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good, as it says here on this inexpertly cross-stitched pillow.
But, you might say, Kamala Harris wants to reverse Trump’s tax cuts for the rich and give new ones to the working- and middle-classes! Kirsten Gillibrand is pushing for universal parental leave and stronger gun laws! Elizabeth Warren’s whole platform sounds like it would usher in a new American utopia! And I hear you. The turd in a box is pretty short on policy, and its voting record is non-existent. But here’s what the turd in a box is not: a woman. Don’t you remember what happened when we tried a woman last time? The turd in a box could be leaking at the corners, leaving little trails of stench on the fingers of everyone who handles it, and still have a better chance of beating Trump than some broad.
But still, you might protest, the turd in a box doesn’t have a face, let alone a realistic plan to combat the wage gap. How on earth is a turd in a box supposed to participate in a presidential debate? That’s a valid concern, but if there’s one thing we know, its that the turd won’t cry because it got its feelings hurt or it got angry or it’s on its period or whatever. And you can bet Donald Trump isn’t going to follow a turd around on stage! Nobody wants to be downwind of that!
Oh come on, you might further scoff, a turd in a box can hardly be expected to exercise diplomacy, to repair our deeply wounded relationships with our allies, to stand up to dictators and restore our standing on the world stage. But let me ask you this: do you think Kim Jong-un is gonna listen to some lady nag him about disarmament? Can you imagine Liz Warren trying to flirt with Justin Trudeau? So embarrassing! The turd in a box is surprisingly persuasive, and it’s time we gave it a chance.
I know you have your misgivings, but this isn’t the time for whining about moonshots. This is the time to put our backs into supporting somebody – or something – that actually has a chance to lead our party to victory. The country just isn’t ready for a female president yet – but if she plays her cards right, maybe, maybe, Liz can be VEEP.
- About the Author
- Latest Posts
Emily Flake is a cartoonist, writer, illustrator, and performer. She is a regular contributor to the New Yorker and the Nib, among many other publications. She is the author of a book of essays and cartoons about parenting called “Mama Tried” (Grand Central, 2015). She does a weird hybrid of standup and cartoons on stages throughout NYC and beyond, and is the creator and cohost of a monthly live interview show called NIGHTMARES. She lives in Brooklyn with her husband, daughter, and a frail, elderly cat.
