Best of 2023

This Year, I Did Something Special for Your Birthday

Happy birthday, Honey! Please, sit down here in your favorite chair. I brought you a glass of wine.


Okay. Are you ready? This year, I did something special for your birthday.

Oh wow.

I made a documentary about you with your family and friends.

That’s amazing! What a thoughtful gift, sweetheart. When did you have time to do that?

Oh, I just filmed bits of it here and there, an hour a day after work.

You told me you were working late.

Yep. Lied my ass off. Do you want to watch it?

Of course! Put in on.

You got it. You are going to love this.

Wait. Why are you turning on Netflix?

Oh, the documentary turned out so well that Netflix acquired the streaming rights. Now, you are going to be so amazed—

Wait. You put my documentary on Netflix? Why would anyone want to see that?

Because it’s good. Oh, look, I’m—I mean we’re—in the top ten this week.

Is that my mother in that screenshot?

Yes. You know, ever since this film debuted a couple weeks ago, I’ve gotten tons of positive feedback. Emails, Facebook, Twitter.

Wait? This has been on Netflix for two weeks? Why didn’t you tell me? And why didn’t you get my permission?

You’re not going to sue me, are you? Look, you come off really great in the doc. But getting back to your mom, the scene that everyone is going on about is when she talks about the day you were born. In fact, when that part comes on, I may have to leave the room because I don’t want you to see my cry.

How much did Netflix pay you anyway?

I believe it was two. Yes, two million.

Two million? Wow!

Well, the way this crazy business works, I’ll be lucky to break even after I pay back all the investors. And getting Elton John to record and write the closing credits song wasn’t inexpensive, believe you me. And that’s after we told him it was an independent film.

Elton John?! This is crazy. But… now I really want to see the movie. So go ahead and roll that beautiful bean footage.

Okay. Here’s the remote. Enjoy, darling.

Wait. Where are you going? You’re not going to watch it with me?

I just remembered I have to catch an early flight for a press junket, then I’m off to Cannes. Happy birthday, Sweetheart! Get it? That’s the name of the film, “Happy Birthday, Sweetheart.”

How do you work this thing?