A List Of Demands That Must Be Met For Me To Return To The Office
No one is allowed to comment on how early I’m eating my lunch.
Instead of a desk and adjustable chair, I work on a Queen-size mattress.
I ask that my performance continue to be evaluated by my active online time, even if I am just moving my mouse back and forth while reading the latest James Patterson.
If I get bored throughout the day, I want to be able to play my drums and guitar guilt-free. I will also need the conference room for my drums and guitar.
Despite the fact that we will all be in-person, I want to continue with camera-off Zoom meetings where I am allowed to keep myself muted unless I absolutely must speak. The location I am in while we have these meetings is not to be questioned or discussed either.
A whiteclaw mini fridge.
No in-person social meetups or virtual happy hours.
The formal shoe policy needs to be amended to allow crocs. Let’s also plan on having an elastic waistband discussion somewhere down the line.
The only communication I have to have with my boss is once a week IM where she asks, “Everything going okay?” and I respond “Yes.”
If I decide to go out for a long lunch and then casually check emails from my phone the rest of the day, that needs to be okay.
Brian has to stop saying that he’s “Living the dream.” We all know his dream wasn’t to process invoices.
Renee has to stop complaining about her cat allergies. No one forced her to adopt all those kittens.
We officially move HQ to 2217 N Pleasant Street, Apt 311, Milwaukee, WI, 53202.
I am the only one who has to go to the new office and everyone else can stay home, go to the old office, or really do whatever they want.
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Adam Dietz is a writer and the host of the Home Improvement (the sitcom) podcast “Home Impodcast.” His work has been featured in McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, Slackjaw, and The Art of Autism. He lives in Milwaukee with his partner and their two cats.
