A Viewer’s Guide To World Cup Injuries

Injuries are a part of every sport. A hockey player might lose three or four teeth in a game, while never leaving the ice. In American football, 49ers defensive back Ronnie Lott once had part of his pinkie finger amputated so he could keep playing.

But in soccer, sometimes it’s difficult to tell how serious the injury is. Or if there’s even an actual injury.

With that in mind, here’s what to look for during the 2018 World Cup:

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Player Falls To Ground Holding His Ear.

The player has just heard Nicky Jam and Will Smith’s World Cup anthem “Live It Up” played somewhere in the stadium. After ample time to check and recheck their ears for blood, the player will be able to resume game activities.

If for some reason, Shakira’s “Waka Waka” has been mistakenly played, they may need to be stretchered off and get a squirt from a Gatorade bottle.

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Player Falls To Ground And Rolls Twice.

The log roll injury display is a popular form of injury that will require the attention of the head referee and stop the game. Generally, the more rolls the player completes, the less severe the injury actually is. If it’s half roll, though, recovery might necessitate a slow walk to the touchline, a quick jog to restore function to injured area (wherever it is), and a squirt from a Gatorade bottle.

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Player Falls To Ground After Being On The Receiving End Of A Head Butt.

You can’t be too careful with a head injury. That’s why it’s best to go down before any contact can take place and then writhe on the ground, holding your cranium, and thinking about what might’ve happened.

Play can resume after you walk off the pitch, give your head and face a squirt with the Gatorade bottle to remove any non-concussion concussion symptoms.

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Two Players Fall To Ground After Knocking Heads Together.

Soccer is more like American football than people may think and this injury proves it. After a clash of heads the best thing to do is head to the sidelines, be examined by the team physio for any signs of a concussion.

If there are no symptoms discovered, the players will get a quick squirt from the Gatorade bottle and get back on the field. If there are symptoms discovered, the players will get a quick squirt from the Gatorade bottle and get back on the field.

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Player Falls To Ground Clutching His Ankle.

A soccer shin guard provides about as much coverage as the average bikini in Cancun during Spring Break. So it’s not surprising that a stiff bit of breeze, the result of a player kicking in the general proximity of another, could cause a stout South American forward to tumble to the turf, holding his ankle.

Most ankle contusions don’t require the player to leave the field. Walking, gingerly with a limp that suggests the imminent need for a hip replacement and a grimace, over a distance of three to five yards is all that’s required for recovery. No Gatorade bottle required. Unless you’re near the opponent’s goalie and then you can use his.

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Player Falls To The Ground Clutching His Hamstring.

Hamstring injuries are nothing to joke about.

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Player Dramatically Falls To Ground, After Apparently Being Shot In The Back.

No visible contact. No opposing player within five yards. And yet here is a professional athlete plummeting to the closely cropped turf. Legs and arms, flying in every direction. His face? A mask of pain, more horrifying than anything in the movie Hereditary.

This injury is more a reflection of the realization that they, the player, are part of a grand global empire that festering with corruption, and the weight of that realization has finally caught up with them. They understand all at once, that they are nothing more than attractive, skilled pawns in a spectacle that’s treasured by dictators, Russian oil tycoons and mega-corporations as a tool to placate the masses.

A slow walk to the side line followed by a quick squirt from the Gatorade bottle, and remembering that their mansion in Madrid contains over $20 million dollars worth of sports cars is usually enough to fuel a rapid recovery and get them back on the pitch.

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Player Refuses To Fall To Ground. Ever.

Probably a U.S. Men’s Soccer player. Typically only needs a squirt from a Gatorade bottle to avoid getting dry mouth while coming up with excuses getting beaten by Trinidad and Tobago 2-1 in World Cup qualifying.