Affairs of the State: Love Notes To and From Russia With and Without Love

August 10, 2015

Dear Donald,
You like strong leaders. I am strong leader.
I have picture of me with bear. Would you like to see?
Also, I always win election. Free to chat. Send me DM.
Musing in Moscow,
Vlad

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August 15, 2015

Dear Vlad,
That bear is fantastic! I like it. Also, you have very symmetrical nipples. My doctor says that is a sign of intelligence as I too have very symmetrical nipples. I also always win at things. We could be great friends. Maybe something more? I don’t know. I’ll have my people send you my private information.
I’m planning to make America great again, would you be interested in that?
Enjoying meat-on-a-stick at the Iowa State Fair,
Donald

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January 10, 2016

Dear Donald,
Did you want extra copy of tape I made for you from visit in 2013? Definitely in my top 5, I send overnight, no charge. What’s with your American Football? You know we have top of line sports medicine in Russia. Look at our Olympic teams! I send you resumes, whip NFL into shape. No need to kneel after Russian training.
Very Generous on the Volga-
Vlad

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February 12, 2016

Dear Vlad,
Sorry for the delay, I’ve been traveling. Did you see that huge crowd in Florida? Tremendous support. You are very generous and I think we could build a great partnership. Can you send me another picture of you with a large animal? I want to show it to other foreign leaders when I meet them. I am sure I will win. I like what you’re doing in Russia. I might try something like that here.
Building a wall down south,
Donald

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October 21, 2016

Dear Donald,
Long time. I wait to message you like you ask. I send one more picture. I think you win in future. You no have to thank me. Unless you want trade deal, then I accept your thanks.
I see you have other problem with lady who likes to email? I think you are my kind of man, so I like to help you. Russian computer science very advanced. You look very much big man at debate. I like.
Sassy in St. Petersburg,
Vlad

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October 25, 2016

Dear Vlad,
Such a nasty woman, you’re right. Crooked, too! Your support is tremendous. It really is. I’m going to be busy for a couple months so I might not write. You can even pretend to hate me if you want. Or maybe you can act like you are very hurt by this. That would probably help ratings, actually. Yeah, let’s do that. You’re the best, Vlad. Really. If you worked for me, I’d never fire you. You do a fine job.
Not interested,
Donald

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March 20, 2017

Dear Donald,
I no understand? I thought we had beautiful partnership? I win elections for us both. We sell adoption story. Trolls?! I take all the heat and still I stand in kitchen for you. Also, thank you for the hat but I no wear hats. I have lovely head shape.
(Is this pretend like you ask? Also: FBI director? Why you let him speak? I thought you study Russian way?)
Confused in Kremlin,
Vlad

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November 8, 2017

Vlad
I’m not sure what you mean. I have not seen the movie Trolls, but I hear the soundtrack is fantastic. That Justin Timberlake reminds me of me. Tremendously successful and the women, well you know, they just throw themselves at that kind of success.
Sorry about the hat. I thought it would look good in the picture we discussed of you and the rhino. Did you not receive the Trump brand assless chaps as well? Did you know I can fire anyone that works here? Can you do that where you work?
Lots of plans at Mar-A-Lago,
Donald

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March 27, 2018

Dear Donald,
I no understand why you have to play this way. Is this American way of sexy talk? You expel diplomats as way of tease me? I was looking for a longer term relationship. You seem very much like player. I need commitment. You show Kim Jong my picture? Maybe I call him. Yes, the chaps fit just right but I send no more picture.
Sad in Siberia,
Vlad

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April 20, 2018

I have been very busy doing fantastic things for my country, so I have not written. I have had a lot of whack-o’s to deal with. Crazy people, you know? Very unAmerican. You seem great, though. Definitely a 10. I only associate with 10’s. People are attracted to me, you know. Diplomacy is attractive. Speaking of diplomacy, I decided to not sanction you for that Syria stuff. Seems a bit much. I mean if you’re going to get offended about my fireworks display then fine, I would like that 2013 tape back, but can you send it on Blu-Ray this time? I was going to come visit but if you’re mad at me, I’ll just send Don Jr.
More, when you very much deserve it,
Donald

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