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Love & Dating Advice Based On The Number Of Letters In Your First Name
One Letter:
Blurting out several responses to prompts on Jeopardy and then celebrating when one is kind of close is not impressing anyone at this party. Ditto for belching “bless you” when someone sneezes.
Two Letters:
Pretending to be a senior citizen has been great for securing deals on movie tickets and early bird dinners, but you should try a different approach on dating apps.
Three Letters:
The good news is your perfect match is out there waiting for you. The bad news is your match is in a parallel universe that people on Earth won’t be able to access for another three millennia.
Four Letters:
You actually met the love of your life yesterday at 6:43 pm. Or you would have if you didn’t insist on getting pho again for like the ninth day in a row. Instead, that person you gave your number to will be ruining your life for the next eleven years.
Five Letters:
Tired of the quality of people you’re meeting? Try jumping out of dumpsters behind better restaurants. Location, location, location!
Six Letters:
Your obtrusive need to FaceTime every message instead of just texting is draining your lover’s life energy faster than your battery.
Seven Letters:
You don’t have to explain why you wiggled into the crawl space, but you really should come out now if you want to make the 9 O’clock movie.
Eight Letters:
The person you met at the coffee shop thinks you were kidding about being into freestyle walking. If you weren’t kidding, you can freestyle walk away from any ideas of that relationship going anywhere.
Nine Letters:
It’s true that you’re stuck on an island and your crush flies a rescue plane nearby, but writing “HELP” in the sand just comes across as desperate and clingy. Try writing something festive that shows you don’t take yourself too seriously and like to have a good time. LOL!
Ten Letters:
The notion that you think that was Ellen Barkin sitting next to you on the subway is ridiculous. Insisting that it was her and she was hitting on you is especially asinine.
Eleven Letters:
A person should never settle. However, this is not settling for you. It’s that new person you met that’s settling. Ride this wave as long as you can, which should be about eleven years if you play your cards right.
Twelve Letters:
It was premature to have gotten that tattoo.
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Ivan Ehlers is contributor to MAD Magazine, The New Yorker, and the continuing issue of world-wide moral decline.
