Coming Soon! Care Bears vs. Predator
An alien was sent into the Kingdom of Caring to kill their finest warrior -— only to slay the hate in his own heart and become the biggest carer of all.
Entries by Matt Rotman
REVIEW: Halloween Ends
I take no pleasure in dogging Halloween Ends. I’m literally its target audience. Regardless of quality, there are very few slasher films I don’t enjoy, including the worst of the Halloween sequels! Unfortunately, this movie spent too much time in a room with its own farts and forgot it was even supposed to be a slasher movie.
REVIEW: The Batman
It’s Emo Batman Versus the Zodiac Killer in a Reboot That—if Anything—Is Shorter Than Justice League
5 Ways to Manage Your Yeast Infection While Protesting Outside Planned Parenthood
Being a Christian is awfully hard these days. It’s even harder when you have a yeast infection. Nevertheless, you’re stuck outside protesting Planned Parenthood, miles away from any kind of help for your lady parts. And making matters worse, the woman with the bullhorn is saying everyone is going to be there until the unborn […]
What These 5 Jesus Quotes Would Look Like If We Changed “Shithole” to “Shithouse”
“Who invited us to this shithouse?” – Trying to order wine at the Wedding at Cana (John 2:3) “Oh, you’re not getting out of this shithouse that easily.” – To Lazarus as he reopened his eyes (Mark 17:1) “Well, I think the technical term is shithousing.” – Whispered to Mary Magdalene at a […]
After 35 Years of Marriage, Dad Comes Out as Alien
STOWE, Ohio — Following 35 years of marriage, and after seeing two children through college, area dad Tom Sullivan has finally come out as an alien to long-suspecting family and friends. Sullivan said that after decades of living a lie, he wanted, at long last, to take the mask off–and then literally took his mask […]
5 Things to Prepare for Once You’ve Released the Fallen Angel from Mike Pence’s Urn
Oh dear. Now, you’ve done it. Despite countless, stern warnings from Vice President Mike Pence not to disturb the mysterious urn sitting atop the mantle over his fireplace, you couldn’t just leave well enough alone. Curiosity got the better of you, and now you’re going to have to contend with the fallen angel the Almighty […]
5 Life Hacks You Can Totally Ignore Unless You’re the Extraterrestrial Arthropod Controlling Chris Matthews
Living day to day is one fickle beast, and sometimes all it takes is one shortcut to significantly lighten the load of existence. Unless, that is, you’re the parasitic alien symphylan using Chris Matthew’s body as a puppet. You, my segmented friend, seem to be way out your league and could use some extra help. […]
It’s Time to Meet the 2017 RNC Babies!
What do you get when you mix $7 Bud Lights with 50,000 pro-life out-of-towners? The 2017 RNC baby season! Last year, as thousands of Republican delegates gathered in Cleveland to officially declare Crimea property of the Russian state, the sexual tension became untenable. The local Chili’s oozed with so many pheromones, it became hard to […]
5 Ways to Spice up Your Relationship with Russian Ambassador Sergey Kislyak
Every serious relationship goes through dry spells. It’s completely normal. You see each other every night, every morning. You eat meals together and watch the same television shows. And that’s all before you get home to your wife after hanging out with Russian Ambassador Sergey Kislyak. How do you get out of this day-to-day grind? […]
Naughty NASA Pickup Lines
Do you want to ask out that special crush, but scared she’ll think you don’t know enough about NASA? We’ve come to the rescue. Here’s a list of titillating pickup lines that’ll melt even the biggest NASA diehard. Were you born the day the Challenger exploded? Because you’re the hottest teacher I know. […]
11 Other Things House Oversight Committee Chairman Jason Chaffetz Would Rather Investigate than Trump’s Obvious Conflicts of Interest
If the returning Champion always goes first on Jeopardy, who went first on the very first episode? The true, masculine qualities of Rock Hudson What the hell is a cronut, and have you had one? Because they’re fucking delicious! The addresses and phone numbers of all the people I should have referred to as “little […]
How to Explain a Golden Shower to an Evangelical
It’s like the story of Noah and the Flood, but God is a high-priced Russian hooker An integral part of abstinence education Never to be confused with the Golden Rule Ask Mary Magdalene You may know it better as the “Dead Sea” What you voted for
Steve Bannon, Really? He Doesn’t Even Make My List of Top 5 Favorite Nazis
I gotta tell you: I’m real disappointed with the news Donald Trump selected Breitbart-founder, Steve Bannon to be his chief advisor as president. Bannon is perhaps best known for bringing the white nationalism movement (sometimes described as the “Alt-Right”) into the mainstream with Breitbart’s extreme race-baiting invectives and narratives. But while that’s a worthwhile […]
WikiLeaks Bombshell: Militia Group Issues ‘Stand Down’ Order, Four Erections Die
KALAMAZOO, Mich. – As Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump took the stage to declare victory against Democratic rival Hillary Clinton Tuesday night, four erections allegedly died following a “stand down” order issued by the Michigan Militia, according to newly released emails by WikiLeaks. The hacked documents surfaced amid allegations that the nefarious, anti-government group planned […]
You’ve Decided to Vote for Trump, But Can You Figure Out Which Robert E. Lee High School the Polling Place Is Located?
Well, after months of the finest deductive reasoning, you have finally landed on a decision you can logically and systematically defend: casting a vote for Donald Trump for President of the United States. And just in time, too, because the polls are closing in fifteen minutes. But goddammit, if you just can’t remember which […]
5 Valuable Life Lessons I Learned Managing the 837 Checking Accounts Wells Fargo Opened for Me
If there’s one thing I learned from watching movies about other people serving in the military, it’s that we all need structure in our lives. Adulthood requires discipline, foresight, and determination—qualities that are not merely bestowed on one, but earned. Luckily for me, Wells Fargo took the initiative in opening 837 different checking accounts under […]
Top Five Tips for Selecting Babies from the Hospital Nursery
Who isn’t an animal lover? Our pets are our best friends, our esprit de corps when we need companionship the most. But adult human life is fraught with distraction and time away from home, and our fury, little friends get neglected. Luckily, you as a responsible and caring pet owner, have decided to select a […]
Six Republican Men You’d Totally Invite into the Bathroom with Your Daughter
We’ve all been there: watching your young daughter walk into a public restroom, perhaps to never be heard from again. It’s terrifying to think that rapists and serial killers can now wander around women’s bathrooms with impunity—all under the guise of political correctness! However, you can make an exception for these six Republican men, all […]
Five Reactions from Those Who Met Saul Alinsky on the DNC Floor and Immediately Learned He’s Been Dead Since 1972
It’s been a real Who’s Who on the floor of the Democratic National Convention. Even Saul Alinsky, the controversial community organizer, paid a visit. Here are five reactions from those who met Alinksy and subsequently learned he has been dead since 1972. Angie Fairchild, 38, Indianapolis, IN “That’s incredible! Socialism did sound a little […]
Four Strange Things Found in Michelle Obama’s 2008 DNC Speech
With all this fuss about plagiarism from Melania Trump’s RNC speech some new things are coming to light as we take a closer look at Michelle Obama’s 2008 DNC Speech. “In Slovenia, we have a saying, ‘a Serb is a Jew Spider you can lure out of hiding with the promise of a beet.’” “It’s not […]