Originals
How I Feel About U.S. Olympic Pommel Horse Specialist Stephen Nedoroscik or Democratic VP Candidate Tim Walz?
The glasses-wearing community thanks him. I’m excited to watch him continue to crush the competition. I love his cat. And more!
Entries by Rachel Keller
Best of 2022
I, The Easter Bunny, No Longer Want To Be Connected To This Creepy ‘Jesus Rising From The Dead’ Thing
Picture this. You. Me. Grandma. No scary shrouded man with the long hair. I’m honestly doing you all a favor by calling this out. Can you imagine how fun Easter would be if death wasn’t the creamy center of the Cadbury egg?
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Fad Diets To Try In The New Year
The New Paleo Diet: Only eat food you can grab with your short T-Rex arms. Triceratops is recommended.
Originals
I Am A Trendy Article and I Will Make You Feel Called Out By Any Means Necessary
It’s not an algorithm showing you relevant content that fits your lifestyle and “brand” (I know you call it a “brand”). It’s me, the article, watching you every moment of your life so I may better make you feel understood. I am like a totally chill and funny hunter and you are my prey. So yes, you are being “personally attacked”. By me!
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A Female Acceptance Letter to an All Male Group Project
Think of this project like a pregnancy, where the girl does most of the work, but the guy swoops in at the end to get half the credit.
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Hyper Local and Hyper Petty: Your Town’s Facebook Group
Barbara Klein: Today outside the Starbucks I saw our state’s bird, a goldfinch! What a nice surprise on a Tuesday morning!
Marc Crabtree: Goldfinches are a trash bird.
Originals
I’ll Let the Hostages Go When You Agree to a Sky High Sequel
Can you imagine my pain of not living in a Sky High oriented world for so long? The rejection from society turning me into a Sky High pariah? My friends don’t even remember the name of the villain (it’s Gwen).
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More CLASSIFIED White House Leaked Info From John Bolton’s Notepad
‘Explain salad’, ‘Trap Pelosi in a cage’, ‘Wall made of CHEESE?’ And more super secrets revealed on Boltons notepad.
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Famous Pieces Of Literature Reviewed By My Inner Critic As If They Were Written By Me
The Great Gatsby: We get it! You’re jealous of rich people. Also, isn’t this really unoriginal? Wealthy people party, and drink, and yada, yada, yada. That’s like the entire plot. You and this book are so lame, I can see why you always say “you too” after your waiter says enjoy your meal. Never write anything ever again. Now go and spend the little money you have on ice cream and eat an entire tub because you deserve that kind of guilt, you unartistic ass hat.
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I Am from the Future and I’m Here to Sell You Magazines
Perhaps you would like to buy a package to Cosmo? You could learn all the latest tips to spice up your love life! I just wouldn’t try too hard. Abortion isn’t exactly going to be an option for you starting about…what is it, December?…three months from now. If you get Cosmo, you can also purchase a Sports Illustrated subscription for half the price!
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New “I’m Not a Robot” Tests
Here’s a photo of your family. Click on the people you no longer talk to. Then click on the people who have asked to borrow money.
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Basic French for People That Want to Move There Now
Guys, France is safe from far-right nationalism! This makes the country of croissants and berets that much more tantalizing for the average American living in Trump’s dystopia. Unfortunately, because the US education system is the way it is, many might struggle in their quest to find a new home in Macron’s France. So I thought […]