Cakes Religious Bakers Are Willing To Make

If you live in a God-fearing town, there are plenty of non-traditional, special occasion cakes religious bakers are willing to make.

The Spinster Cake

So, you’ve reached a certain age and you’ve finally accepted that no man is ever going to love you? No problem. God loves you. And so does your Christian baker who will be happy to design a gorgeous concoction with heavy buttercream, since there’s no other good reason to watch your figure. Jesus starved in the desert for 40 days, but he would totally understand that you’ve got nothing else to live for. Flavor profile: This cake is as Vanilla as your non-existent sex life. Comes with a lovely cake topper featuring a cat in a hand-knit sweater.

The Civil Union Cake

If two men or two women or two gender-nonconforming people find each other, then God’s warriors of flour and sugar will be happy to bake a cake for the appropriate civil union that doesn’t give them the same protections or recognition as a real marriage. This two-layer presentation is usually half spice cake and half red velvet, a subversive combination of flavors to match these customers’ lifestyle choices and possibly affect the color of their stools. These cakes will not be tiered because that would too closely resemble a legitimate wedding cake.

The Shack-Up Honey Cake

They’re not just for Rosh Hashanah! Loaded with sweet nectar from the best of the bees, we celebrate hetero-normative sin. These delicious, sticky delights feed two perfectly and come with suggestions for a happy life that include pre-marital counseling. (No judgment.)

The Just Friends Cake

There’s nothing quite as frustrating as unrequited longing. This cake will keep you safe and warm and make you forget that the only person you’ve ever wanted finds you totally repulsive. Remember, God loves you. Or at least he feels as sorry for you as we do. Your choice of flavors and frostings are unlimited and carry no extra charges to take the sting out of your situation.

The Divorce Cake

This delight has become the most popular cake, requested at bakeries both secular and sacred. It’s available in many styles: amicable (cinnamon), relieved (triple chocolate) and bitter (orange sponge cake with marzipan filling). Divorce cakes are actually available in many flavors and can be paired with a variety of libations. Toppers can be customized to introduce new romantic partners/future stepparents to your children. Designs vary, but most customers request the molten chocolate cake with a former bride or groom figurine submerged in the gooey center, likening it to way their own blessed unions imploded.