Do Not Push the Red Button
Adviser 1: President Trump, there is a big, red button on your desk labeled “DO NOT PUSH”, but —
Trump: I know. I see it. It’s a big, big red button. The best. I have the biggest, reddest button in the entire world.
Trump: If I’m not supposed to push it, why is it there in the first place?
Adviser 2: Sir, it’s there because you insisted we put it there, even though you can’t push it.
Trump: I know. It’s a very good button. I’m going to tweet about it. “I have the best red button on my desk. GREAT JOB by White House staff. Made in America! I am PROUD of those who built this button.”
Adviser 1: Actually, the button was produced in China, sir.
Trump: FAKE NEWS.
Adviser 2: Whatever you do, sir, do not push the red button.
Trump: I think I want to push the red button.
Adviser 1: Sir, with all due respect, you CANNOT push the button. CAN. NOT. PUSH. IT.
Trump: Just a little tap-tap. With my hands. Which are very big.
Adviser 2: Yes, sir, we all agree you have the biggest hands, but you need to keep them away from the button.
Adviser 1: Perhaps we should go over today’s briefings.
Trump: Agreed.
Adviser 1: Here’s the first one. It says, “DO NOT PUSH THE RED BUTTON” and it’s written in 46 point font, bold, and underlined.
Trump: Which font?
Adviser 1:Comic Sans, sir. Your favorite.
Trump: Good, good. What else?
Adviser 2: The next briefing just says “For the love of everything, this is really serious, no matter what you do, do not push that red button. We recommend you have the button removed from your desk completely.”
Trump: Got it. By the way, what happens if I do push the red button?
Adviser 1: I believe a portal to hell will open, sir.
Adviser 2: Half the world will blow up.
Trump: Which half? The half with America? Or the other half?
Adviser 1: Well, once a portal to hell opens up, all bets are off, really.
Trump: I kind of want to push it.
Advisers: DO NOT PUSH IT. DO NOT. YOU CANNOT.
Trump: What if I just —
Adviser 1: NO! Sir, no!!!
Trump: Ha ha, I was just kidding. I have a great sense of humor. The best.
Adviser 2: You do, sir. You tell a great knock-knock joke.
Trump: Knock knock.
Advisers: Who’s there?
Trump: Putin.
Advisers: Putin who?
Trump: Putin’ your tax dollars to good use with this big, red button. Ha!
Advisers: Good one, sir.
Trump: You know what, I’m going to push that button. Just to see. What’s the worst that could happen?
Adviser 1: The whole portal to hell thing, sir. It would be really, really bad.
Trump: Who says hell is actually bad? Where did you read that? In the New York Times?
Adviser 1: It’s in the Bible, sir.
Trump: I’m doing it.
Advisers: No! No nononononononononooooooooooooo
DONALD TRUMP PUSHES THE BUTTON.
Trump: See? I pushed the button and nothing —
A LARGE DEMON SWOOPS IN AND EATS THE PRESIDENT AND HIS ADVISERS.
-THE END-
- About the Author
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Janine Annett lives in New York, in a house full of piles of books, with her husband, son, and very old cat. Her humor writing has appeared on McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, the Establishment, and other websites. Janine also writes picture books. Her website is www.janineannett.com.
