I am Definitely Not Friending You on Facebook Just to Sell You Skincare Products

Hi! Remember me? We had Ms. Swan’s World Literature class together in the tenth grade! You might wonder what’s inspired me to reach out two decades later, and I can absolutely assure you: it is not to sell you skincare products.

 

You seem to be doing really well! It looks like you’re a high school teacher now—based on the “about” section of your profile and also on the bags under your eyes. Just kidding! You look great, for your age. But if you ever want to get rid of that eye puffiness, I may have just the trick.

 

Anywho, tell me how you are.

 

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Hello again! I see you updated your profile picture. I love that you’re going for the natural look and really embracing your wrinkles. I really admire your bravery.

 

I wish I were that brave. Instead, I hide behind this anti-wrinkle serum, which is all-natural, organic, antioxidant-rich, and all-knowing. And it’s super affordable, especially if you know someone who’s selling it. Luckily I know me!

 

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I had such a random memory the other day! Do you remember when we had to choose a poem to recite aloud for homework in Ms. Swan’s class and you chose Dylan Thomas’ “Do Not Go Gentle Into that Good Night?” It sure seemed to resonate with you back then. And, I kind of feel like we’re in a similar situation now??? Like, maybe I’m Dylan Thomas and you’re his ill father, and I’m begging you to rage against the dying of your wrinkle-free forehead??

 

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Me again, here without aim or agenda! Just wanted to share this photo of us in middle school! Look at the way your skin is glistening in the muted light of the cafeteria’s fluorescent bulbs. Hard to believe we ever looked so young! Well, at least it’s hard to believe you ever looked that young—I still get carded on a regular basis. The other day I almost couldn’t get into an R-rated movie! Just a funny unrelated anecdote.

 

And who would have suspected, looking at my tiny smiling face, that I’d ever have such big dreams or such a robust entrepreneurial spirit? Who would’ve known I’d bet all my savings on this crazy passion for beauty products, leaving a safe and stable job as a paralegal for this unpredictable income?

 

It’s all worth it to bring people their confidence and youthful glow back. Who can put a price on that???And, just curious, what price would you put on that? I bet I could beat it with my steep insider discounts.

 

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Happy Birthday! Time is the goblin that comes for us all.

 

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Hello there! I haven’t heard from you in awhile! It seems a little rude to ignore one of your oldest casual acquaintances—especially an acquaintancewhois so deeply invested in you becoming your best,most-moisturizedself.

 

But I can take a hint. I wish you well, and hope the coming warm weather is kind to your eczema.

 

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I can’t leave things like this! Listen, I’m going to ask you totry something. Clear your mind.Consider: this is the youngest you will ever be again. Concentrate! Feel the gentle but persistent tug of the Grave. Understand that I am not only offering you discounted, cruelty-free, radiance-enhancing,slightly occultskincare products,I amalso offering you a dagger with which to slay the ravenousbeastof Aging that waits to devour us all! Please! Rage with me!! Let this Hydro-Boost Eye Cream save you from the dying of the light.

 

But if you’re more insecure about your pores, our Unblemish Regimen is great, too.