The NRA is Attempting to Raise Additional Funds Through the Sale of Cookies Because Those Girl Scout Brats Never Need to Launder Russian Money to Stay Solvent

Since 1871, the NRA has been the backbone of conservative values as well as ardent supporter of every American’s God-given right to shoot loved ones whom they mistook as late-night intruders. Now, the NRA has entered troubling times and found itself in financial difficulty.

But do they give up? No.

Do they back down? No!

Do they let the commie libtards destroy America? Hell no!

The NRA does what every man, woman, and child among us would do when faced with a mountain of evidence that could potentially spell an end to our unnecessary existence based on fear-driven myths: Make a last-minute cash grab.

Hastily conceived and rushed to production in America’s heartland (China), the NRA’s newest offering is standing up for your right to bear armfuls of cookies!

The All-Murican

Our chefs start with a stick of margarine, stuff it with pork rinds and cheese balls, dip it in lite beer batter, and deep fry it until the 3:04 mark of I’m Proud to be an American by Lee Greenwood. Finally, these browned biscuits are whitewashed to perfection in powdered sugar.

Animal Trophy Crackers

Now you can use your teeth to remove the heads of these baked delights such as endangered rhinos, American red wolves, and completely non-threatening giraffes. These cookies are for anyone that justifies hunting by calling it a sport but secretly just likes killing shit.

Triple Chocolate Chip and Double Fudge Cookie Blast 

It’s like you placed the barrel of a chocolate shotgun in your mouth, loaded it with chocolate buckshot, then pulled the trigger with your toe!  

White and White Cookies

It’s a reimagining of the Black and White cookies forced upon us by liberal judges and politicians in the late 50’s and 1960’s. When you bite into a White and White cookie, you’ll feel like you’ve been transplanted back to a time when things made more sense, a time when, you know, the neighborhood was different. You know.

The MAGA Jesus Reagan 2A Biscuit

This cookie is for the most patriotic of American patriots. With each bite, you’ll cry like a baby because you love this country so much and hate what’s happening to it as you succumb to the narrative that your rights are actively being taken from us in what is essentially a second Civil War. With a cookie this patriotic, you’ll own the libs every time you take a bite.

Russian Tea Cookies

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So, next time you’re shopping for diapers, canned chili, and Sudafed at your nearest Wal-Mart, pick up a few boxes of NRA cookies. At only $50 per box, you can’t deny the NRA. After all, they’re fighting for your rights that aren’t actively in danger despite their misleading and often dangerous rhetoric, so the least you can do is line their pockets.

Thoughts and prayers, y’all.