Satan Announcing Layoffs In Hell
Hello Demons, Goblins, Devils, Hellhounds and Incubi,
This is one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever had to make in my 100 billion years at the helm of the nether world. We are facing very uncertain times and a worrying macroeconomic environment that even us down here must consider when running our operation. All of that considered, I have decided to downsize our staff by 6.66%. If I had a soul, it would certainly be hurting at the notion of letting some of my most twisted and evil workers go. We will also institute a hiring freeze of new demons and hellspawn through Q1 of the next fiscal year.
As I mentioned, the macroeconomic environment has put a damper on our firm. One of our most beloved children, Vladimir Putin has caused a war that has luckily wrought chaos and destruction, but it has unfortunately negatively impacted our margins and supply chain. Our lead times for endless torture chambers and echoes of souls burning in eternal fire has been much longer than anticipated and impacted our Q4 performance.
We have not been immune to the effects of inflation either. With the rising cost of drugs, booze, pornography, and shellfish, our incoming souls per month has been effected as more humans refrain from sinful activities. The cost of our most used equipment including whips, chains, hellfire, Machine Gun Kelly CD’s, and pitchforks has gone up tremendously. Until inflationary pressures recede, our ability to punish the damned and wreak havoc on all that is holy will be increasingly challenging.
A majority of our cuts will take place in the Temptation Department. This is by no means a reflection on your team’s ability to lure innocent souls into a life of transgression and sin but a strategic decision to streamline our operations in an uncertain macroeconomic environment. We want to thank you for every child you introduced to gangster rap and every priest you crushed the spirit of and induced a gambling and alcohol binge out of. While your terrible work has been fantastic, certain sacrifices must be made for the good of Hell and its shareholders.
While we will still be hiring in essential verticals of Hell like Torture Logistics, Heaven Relations and Toe Stubbing Coordination, we will not be bringing on any new Marketing or Social Media Managers as we scale back our advertising. We have realized that so much of the internet is already filled with content we love and that drives our operation that we do not need inhouse employees creating disturbing and incredibly annoying content.
For those we are letting go, we will be offering generous severance packages including the souls of 10,000 babies and a gift card to Spencers Gifts, the official retail partner of hell. We will also provide career relocation services. We have a particularly strong relationship with the HR department at Twitter and would be happy to make referrals, but we acknowledge that the work environment there will be much more intolerable than this one.
Despite some hard decisions and difficulties, we believe that Hell is as strong a place as ever and are as confident in our ability to torture and haunt the world with a spectre of evil as we have ever been. With so many new wars, plagues, influencer podcasts, and famines happening everyday, we truly believe our firm has the capacity to thrive during difficult times.
I have always said we are a family here in Hell, and much like a family sometimes you need to fire some people to make the shareholders happy. If you have any questions please reach out to myself or my executive assistant Hitler and we would be happy to discuss.