Sedona’s Bell Rock Energy Vortex Yelp Review: One Star

---

My 5G stopped working from the Vortex’s 4D: fourth dimension (4D) “consciousness.” So, I let my third eye guide me up the rock. But energy erupting from bulging cactus heads clouded my Vision. It was sticky and palpable: One Star. Arizona’s Parks and Rec should put signs up about this: “Warning: 4D not compatible with 5G. Third eye might get cloudy from metaphysical cactus cum.”

---

I read about how certain vortexes have an “outflow” or “inflow” of female or male energy. And all I can say is, this was definitely an outflow site! I’d consumed copious amounts of Taco Bell on my seven-hour drive there. And boy did I leave a Bell Rock trail, squatting behind boulders. They should call it Taco Bell Rock Trail. Very inconvenient, very uncomfortable: One Star.

---

The only way to feel the electricity in this sacred electromagnetic hotspot is to bathe in the red dirt. But I couldn’t feel anything with elderly tourists watching. They kept yelling “please stop” and “is she ok?” as I stripped to my birthday suit. I heard one woman smack her husband. Following Reddit’s advice, I rubbed the sacred soil into every crevice of my face, thighs, and buttocks…. And nada!

Parks and Rec should post etiquette rules for uninformed tourists! Very inconvenient, very rude: One Star. There should also be an A-list section for people with more elite energy, like myself, those versed in the occult, who’ve done their research!

---

I did some self-exploration on my way down the rock, taking a page from the Indigenous Yavapai Apache tribes. And let’s just say I saw a side of myself I would’ve rather not seen. Bell Rock opened my chakras, ruffling up memories I’ve stuffed down (with Taco Bell). Like, last week when I accidentally called my boss “Mom” in a meeting. And other painful moments we shall not speak of… So, I’m billing Sedona’s tourist board for the shaman I now must pay to exorcise resurfaced trauma: ONE STAR!

---