Statement From The Press Secretary On The Man Who Terrorized Austin Not Being A Terrorist

Phew. For a second there, we thought the bomber who murdered two people, injured five and paralyzed one of our nation’s largest cities with a sustained campaign of fear and anxiety was a terrorist. But it turns out he was just a quiet, twenty-three-year-old man who loved computers and his family.

 

We’re sure this month-long spree of terror wasn’t terrorism because the bomber did not yell “Allah Akbar” before detonating any of the bombs. In fact, his family assures us he was a good Christian, a claim that is corroborated in a series of blog posts he wrote about how abortion should be illegal and women should only have sex if they want children. Sure those views may sound as extreme as Islamic fundamentalism, but this guy definitely did not have a beard.

 

Plus, his name didn’t sound foreign or threatening at all. He went by the alias “Kelly Killmore.”

 

Now that we know the killer was simply a nice Caucasian boy who wanted sex offenders to have access to playgrounds and thought gay people should be illegal, we can breathe a sigh of relief. If he was a terrorist, we’d have to pick another Muslim country to invade. And honestly, between the president’s gaggle of legal battles with various porn stars and planning Putin’s inaugural ball, we really don’t have money for a war right now.

 

We can’t tell you how relieved we were to find out the suspect was just a nerdy, science buff who enjoyed discussing niche chemicals and homemade pipe bombs with his home-schooled gang of misfits. It’s unfortunate that he sent his deadly science projects to a handful of minorities, but we must celebrate his intellectual curiosity. Who knows, if he hadn’t blown himself up, the bomber might have made a great soldier in the president’s new space army.

 

Did we mention how white this guy was? He was like, freshly-fallen snow white. Like, bleached milk white. Like, alt-right white. Way too white to be indoctrinated by an online terrorist organization who could poison his mind with hateful, racist propaganda.

 

Now that this ordeal is behind us, we can get back to banning people who might be REAL terrorists, and arming school teachers to protect our children from other pensive boys who wander into classrooms with military grade weapons to take out their economic anxiety on our youth.

 

Thank you.