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CARTOON: Santa's Wishlist

Elf-mployed? Today's cartoon by Michael Shaw.

Hellmark Holiday Movie Channel

A Nightmare On 34th St: Fearing that he will flicker out of existence soon, Freddy enlists the aid of the little girl and the lawyer who proved that Santa was real in Miracle On 34th St.   Includes the notorious scene where Freddy invades Santa’s dreamscape and forces him to watch his mother playing with herself.

'Twas the Night of the Election (or "A Visit from St. Kornacki")

‘Twas the night of the election, and all over cable news, / Not a network was covering anything but red states and blues. / The pundits were booked on the panel shows with care, / As one spoke, ten others all nodded and stared.

CARTOON: Pawsitively Pouty

Happy Holidog. Today's cartoon by Matt Percival.

CARTOON: Snowy Snuggles

Charming Frostbite. Today's cartoon by Vaughan Tomlinson.

I Forgot to Tip My Mailman This December, and Now He’s Vindictively Redacting My Holiday Letters

When handing my holiday letters to the mailman, I realized I hadn’t tipped him. So I gifted him the only thing I had on me (the black Sharpie I’d been addressing the letters with). Since then, he’s been getting a lot of use of it…

Last Minute Stocking Stuffer Ideas

Can of protective / defensive Holiday Pepper(mint) Spray, Cursed glass eye, and more!

Thanksgiving Internationale By Chef Louis

You would think it would be hard to top that. Yet, we have! For desert, the cranberry flambe! Oui. It gives you a real reason to be thankful, no?

It’s Me, Macy’s Ronald McDonald Balloon, Afloat Yet Adrift

I look toward the Empire State Building and wonder if I should just puncture myself on its spire. Put myself out of my misery.

CARTOON: Thanksgiving Birdzilla

Thought it was a parade balloon, until it was too late. Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein.

The Book of Exodus Amended to Include Laxatives

12:31 — In the middle of the night, Pharaoh called for Moses and said, “Get up and get out. Take all of your flocks and herds as you have asked.” Now Pharaoh was all backed up and so he said, “But you must leave me all your prune juice.”

The Last Supper If Jesus Christ Was An Instagram Influencer

Dinner will be held during golden hour at 7 p.m sharp. If you are late, you will not be in the photo. A stone will be rolled in front of the door as soon as I break the bread. 

I, The Easter Bunny, No Longer Want To Be Connected To This Creepy ‘Jesus Rising From The Dead’ Thing

Picture this. You. Me. Grandma. No scary shrouded man with the long hair. I’m honestly doing you all a favor by calling this out. Can you imagine how fun Easter would be if death wasn’t the creamy center of the Cadbury egg?

A Letter From the Easter Bunny to the World’s Candymakers, RE Upcoming Changes

This Sunday, in lieu of your fine products, each household on my distribution list will receive a special NFT (in France, an N Oeuf T): a one-of-a-kind virtual plastic egg filled with virtual candy.

CARTOON: Bleeding Heart

Light headed. Today's cartoon by David Ostow.

CARTOON: Knee Slap

Greedy needy. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper

#HorrorAHolidayFood

Ghoul Log, The Hills Have Pies, The Last Gingerbread House On The Left, and more #HorrorAHolidayFood on this week's trending joke game!

Come Buy Our Grocery Store’s Matzah That We Advertise for Any and All Jewish Holidays!

We want you to know that we are here for all of your Jewish holiday food prep needs. The Jewish New Year? Matzah. That one Day of Fasting? Sneak a little matzah in your purse. And Hanukkah, the biggest and most important Jewish holiday of all (we think)? Winter holiday matzah. (That’s regular matzah with some blue twinkle lights strewn around.)

Thrilling Thanksgiving Thrillers!!!

Gone Gravy Gone, The Fat & The Furious, The Hunt For Red Wine In November, and more!

#HolidayASuperHero

Gho-Ho-Ho-ost Rider, Silent Nightcrawler, The Dark Knight before Christmas, and more #HolidayASuperHero on this week's trending joke game!

CARTOON: Passover Plated

Tears of isolation, some bitterness, and more!

#HolidayAHorrorMovie

Night Of The Living Gingerbread, The Hills Have Elves, Nightmare On Elf Street, and more #HolidayAHorrorMovie on this week's trending joke game!

The Dystopian Holiday Gift Catalog

Virtual Fam Holographic Family Projector- $575.99 : Not able to see your relatives this holiday? Virtual Fam’s got you covered. Our new holographic projector creates 3D simulations of various family members, ranging from grandparents and godparents to nephews, nieces and in-laws. We make sure to project each individual’s best qualities, while deleting the more troublesome parts of their personalities.

5 Places to Find Your Hallmark Christmas Husband During a Pandemic  

An Open-Air Christmas Tree Lot, The Dilapidated Inn You're Fixing Up, The Snowy Grave of Your Husband, and more! 

News Briefs: Pandemic Parents

Weekly Humorist News Briefs: Breaking News, Into Little Pieces.

Popular Scented Candles of 2020

Face Mask: Revolutionary technology that uniquely captures the fragrance of your own breath.

This End-of-Decade List Kicks Ass!

My end-of-decade list has the decade’s most memorable moments and most influential people and listy type sports things.  But there’s a twist.  A twist in the list.  Does the whole end-of-decade list rhyme?  A rhyming list?  Would you be pissed?  Like William Rehnquist?

What Your Preferred Spelling of the Jewish Festival of Lights Says About You as a Person

Chanukah: Only child. You own the complete works of Philip Roth and Michael Chabon. While the other kids were watching Disney Channel, you and your parents were listening to jazz. The proudest moment of your life was when you were retweeted by Bari Weiss.

Hey America! What Are You Leaving Out for Your Delivery Drivers?

“The ashes of democracy.” Facebook founder, Mark Zuckerberg

#RuinAReindeer

Pole Dancer, Vomit Comet, Door Dasher and more ways to #RuinAReindeer on this week's joke game!

What Your Father’s Day Gift Says About Your Relationship With Your Dad

GPS watch: You used to turn to your dad for direction, but soon realized that all his advice was taken verbatim from a book he keeps in the bathroom called, “God Made Me Do It.”

Subscription Boxes to Help Make Your Passover Seder Manageable

Gefilte fish in a box: Nobody wants this, yet here we are.

Valentine's for Your Roommate

Valentine, you still owe me for your share of the utilities for December & Thanks for being a quiet masturbator, Valentine. And more!

Frank Loesser, Composer Of Baby, It’s Cold Outside, Rewrites Other Christmas Classics

What child is this? Is she eighteen? I’m asking you, is she legal? I’ll look in her purse when she’s in the can I mustn’t go back to jail.

CARTOON: Wall Funding

Worst Movies of the Year

RebaCop- How about a movie exactly like Robocop, but as portrayed by country music act Reba McEntire? Um, no thanks. And audiences for once agreed. At least this failure saves us from the possibility of the studio's proposed shared "RebaVerse". And more.

Letters Smuggled out from the Front Lines of Amazon’s Never-Ending Holiday Sale

How is Anthony? Is he grown? Does he have his first girlfriend yet? I hope the life-size 6ft dummy I sent with my last note was a suitable replacement for my non-attendance at his piano recital. We’re almost to hump day of Cyber Monday Deals Week, and I fear what will follow. I miss you and hold hope to return to see the family for our annual Christmas Celebration on January 14th

Hallmark Halloween Movies

Pumpkin Spicy: Ryan, a nice Christian man who probably voted for Trump — but it won’t come up — always wins the town’s annual pie contest with his classic pumpkin pie. But this year he has a new adversary — Sophie. And more.

How to Carve a Pumpkin, as Explained by Ronnie the Pumpkin

Everything you love will be ripped away from you. Always pick a shiny pumpkin!

The GOP's Holiday Caroling Set List

Rudolph The Ineligible, Pre-Existing Condition Having Reindeer Baby,…

CARTOON: Gluten-Free Santa

CARTOON: Snowmen Assembly

We Got You This Beautiful Charm Bracelet For Mother’s Day

Mom, we love you so deeply that this Mother’s Day we got you…

"Oh Crap! It's Mother's Day" 14 Last Minute Gift Ideas

Who has time to bake a cake? Little Debbie, that's who. Social…