Air Traffic Controller: Take a Power Nap While The Planes Fly: Sleep is imperative to functioning during the work day. And let’s be honest, the planes pretty much fly themselves these days, right? In such a high-stress job, you deserve to get some shut eye so that you can power through the rest of your shift before the door of the Boeing plane flies off.

SURREY, ENGLAND – 1502 A.D. I’ve been sitting on this news (heh) for weeks, but I’m thrilled to finally announce that I’ll be joining Richmond Palace as King Henry VII’s new Groom of the Stool! I’m a HUGE fan of the king’s small intestine, and I can’t wait to sit across from him and pick his brain while his legendary guts do their thing. Other than being a Tudor, he’s totally self-made. I’m kind of stoolstruck, tbh.

For those we are letting go, we will be offering generous severance packages including the souls of 10,000 babies and a gift card to Spencers Gifts, the official retail partner of hell.

Broadcast Journalist- LIE: Newsrooms are desperate for a feminist angle for their stories! TRUTH: Must be smoking hot according to the standards of a bunch of middle aged men in a conference room.

Trump GOP carousel. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

6)  You instinctively dip your hand into the vat of hot milk chocolate to retrieve the AirPod and you burn your fingers.

Qualifications: Able to handle quippy dialogue. Tragic backstory. Skilled with using Quickbooks Pro.

Headache Medicine Prescriber Arsonist Parachute Safety…