Things I’ve Done On Ambien That Aren’t Racist
“Guys, I did something unforgivable so do not defend me. It was 2 in the morning and I was Ambien tweeting-it was memorial day too-i went 2 far…” –Roseanne Barr
Ate an entire loaf of sourdough
Tried to give myself a back massage
Burned all my ankle socks
Emailed my ex a picture of us at Disneyland with the subject line “U miss dis?”
Facetimed my boss and sang “How You Remind Me” by Nickelback
Peed in a shoebox
Peed in a moving box
Performed a DIY blood test
Called the police to report a dream about a giant snail
Drank a bottle of moisturizer
Took all the ice cream out of the freezer and moved it to the driveway
Walked to a 7-Eleven, poured a Big Gulp and paid with a clump of my hair
Completed the New York Times Sunday crossword using only nicknames I’ve given to landlords over the years
Drew a portrait of Erykah Badu on my roommate’s one piece of expensive art
Plucked out my eyelashes one by one
Donated my life savings to the ACLU
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Casey Rand is a Creative Director at Droga5 and the co-author of People Who Deserve It. Her humor writing has appeared in Reductress, The Belladonna Comedy, Funny Or Die and other, now defunct internet publications. You can follow her in the social medias @caseyrand.