Things I’ve Done On Ambien That Aren’t Racist
“Guys, I did something unforgivable so do not defend me. It was 2 in the morning and I was Ambien tweeting-it was memorial day too-i went 2 far…” –Roseanne Barr
Ate an entire loaf of sourdough
Tried to give myself a back massage
Burned all my ankle socks
Emailed my ex a picture of us at Disneyland with the subject line “U miss dis?”
Facetimed my boss and sang “How You Remind Me” by Nickelback
Peed in a shoebox
Peed in a moving box
Performed a DIY blood test
Called the police to report a dream about a giant snail
Drank a bottle of moisturizer
Took all the ice cream out of the freezer and moved it to the driveway
Walked to a 7-Eleven, poured a Big Gulp and paid with a clump of my hair
Completed the New York Times Sunday crossword using only nicknames I’ve given to landlords over the years
Drew a portrait of Erykah Badu on my roommate’s one piece of expensive art
Plucked out my eyelashes one by one
Donated my life savings to the ACLU