I know it’s a wellness resort and we were doing Passover, but how is the restaurant Michelin rated if they literally served us bitter herbs for all eight days? The four cups of wine tasted like juiced grapes with ginger. And I swear that shank bone they prepped for us looked too human.
We are tired of all these conspiracy theories. Remember last year when Gillikin Country was blanketed in a glowing mystery haze and we told you it was nothing? Sure it turned out to be a deadly tornado originating from Kansas, but it was most certainly not Elphaba trying to get hold of those ruby slippers by blowing weed into your lungs. Or that time when the green liquid was found flowing out of Lake Quad? It was just some raw poison poppy contaminating the crops. Not the witch urinating on Oz.
Can I jump over a blazing hot fire pit? Performing stunts are not permitted either. Also, it’s not a good idea to risk burning bridges or your face. If acting ever becomes a thing again, you’ll need our organization and also, good headshots.
Dream Colors for Climate Change: There’s no camouflaging our burning planet. So might as well use paint colors that can be seen miles away in outer space. Maybe in a perfect world we’ll be rescued by a fleet of alien dolls.
The Climate? The Wealth Gap? The Supply Chain? See it as a hotdog! You know you are wondering…
We’d love to hand out some cash and stick around for the cleanup, but unfortunately, we only cover large natural disasters and not a little milk spillage.
I have seven nieces and only one of them’s in a photo. But even in that one, her face is hidden behind a manx wearing a large felt hat like Meghan Markle. Couldn’t you have moved her? Also, couldn’t you have focused on my bridesmaids in their fabulous dresses and not kittens in ill-fitting cummerbunds?
If you’re hanging out with Jewish friends around sundown during the week of Hanukkah, and you say something like ‘the history of Jewish suffering is overrated,” you’re both lighting and gaslighting.
9:32 AM — Hi! I’m your state’s Republican candidate for Governor. I got your number from some voter registry list. Can I count on your support this Election Day? I’m texting you because I don’t trust the polls and figure if I slide into your phone without consent, you’ll definitely vote for me. 9:33 AM —If you want to opt out of these messages reply “STOP” and I’ll continue sending them to you.
The University takes the success of our students very seriously. Especially the success of students who grew up getting trophies for losing. Now, we’ve gotten word that many students are distressed over the difficulty of your Organic Chemistry course. So do you mind handing in your Faculty ID? We simply can’t have you failing students who don’t deserve to pass.
We’re not kidnapping you, and we’re not forcing you to fight against your will. You aren’t pawns in some elaborate game… You are prized gladiator fighters– royalty even! As proof, here’s a gift card to McDonald’s, and some armor we’ve crafted out of recycled Diet Coke cans.
12:31 — In the middle of the night, Pharaoh called for Moses and said, “Get up and get out. Take all of your flocks and herds as you have asked.” Now Pharaoh was all backed up and so he said, “But you must leave me all your prune juice.”
Hold an office Christmas tree lighting ceremony. Ask select personnel to hang their now-deactivated key cards as ornaments. Elves escort the terminated out before entertainment arrives.
The turkey guys! You smell it? Smells, just like the real thing — and bet you’ll never be able to tell it’s made entirely out of Pretzel Goldfish®. But the secret’s in the sauce, folks — there’s nothing a Nutribullet can’t liquify. Six-packs of Disney Princess x Goldfish®, one pack of beer, and bits of Grandma Lottie’s heirloom china make the best, foolproof gravy.
These nasty novelties are needed at once for gifts — this Christian can not ruin Christmas for lonely men seeking safe pleasure play during these plague-ed times. NOW, YOU MUST HONOR OUR AGREED PRICE TO DELIVER THE GOODS and stop this coitus supply interruptus.
Hello! My name is Elder Zuckerberg and I would like to share with you the most amazing update to my book. The good book. The Facebook. Not only can you follow your friends, but now, you can also follow God with the help of the new worship features available to you. That’s right, sinners. I brought God to Facebook so you can experience salvation.