Blistering Democratic Presidential Debate Clapbacks

“Okay, now that Vice President Biden has hugged and sniffed every other candidate on the dais, could we please begin with the actual debate?”

“Mr. Higgenlooper, we haven’t heard much from you this evening. And that’s fine. The debate only has a few more minutes, would you mind running up front and assisting the valet guys? They had someone call in sick earlier.”

“And we’d also like to thank Senator Sanders for being a champ and staying up past eight in order to attend these debates.”

“Senator Warren, you’re very sweet, but probably no need to keep licking your finger and gingerly wiping at Mayor Buttigieg’s face. He’s a big boy, he can handle that himself.”

“Mr. O’Rourke, your use of Spanish in answering debate questions is very impressive, but the poncho, sombrero and large mustache are quite unnecessary, and possibly even insensitive.”

“No, Mr. Castro, Senator Booker is not staring at you as a form of intimidation. His eye just sometimes… does that.”

“Mayor de Blasio, please, this is not New York! No flipping off the other candidates!”

“Vice President Biden, please, please, PLEASE refrain from asking Senator Harris to ‘run and grab me another glass of water, sweetie.’!”

“Ms. Williamson, as we’ve had to tell you on several separate occasions, you simply cannot sell these Joe Biden voodoo dolls in the lobby!”