Goodnight, Son: A Bedtime Story For Your Manchild

In the not-so-guest bedroom 

There was a full-sized race car bed 

And my 398-month-old son tucked away, watching Beavis and Butthead 

 

And there were 7 cans of Miller Lite 

Sitting below your old Space-Jam nightlight 

 

And a present for Dad and me, that we understand is a bong 

And your poor girlfriend whispering, “let’s just play another round of ping pong” 

 

Good night to my firstborn who’s always welcome 

Good night to our $75 Rum 

 

This is a temporary stay, not a grocery trip 

But at least we’re at the point where we both need surgery on our hips 

 

Good night to my “businessman”, Good night six-figure education 

Good night Sigma Alpha Mu 

We’re so happy after 10 years, you’ve been let off probation 

 

Good night Spiderman boxer-briefs, Good night last week’s laundry 

Good night, and I’m so sorry, to your girlfriend, Audrey 

 

Good night to your Sheepadoodle, the only one you feed 

Good night 7th round of Assassin’s Creed 

 

Good night body-wash that you don’t use much- 

GOOD NIGHT SHIT-STAIN?! 

Oh, phew! 

Good night pocket-melted fudge 

  

Goodnight to your Redditt fans 

Good night extended Verizon family data-plan,  

 

Goodnight Mama’s boy, Good night oddly cohesive face-wash routine 

Good night to my saving Grace, my only daughter, Christine