How to Tell Whether Someone is a Spooky Costume Person, a Silly Costume Person, or a Sexy Costume Person

If someone has fall-themed hand towels in their bathroom, they are a spooky costume person. (This year, expect that person to be: a Vampire)

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If someone listens to Vampire Weekend the moment the leaves start changing color, they are a silly costume person. (This year: Robin Williams in Dead Poets Society)

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If a man has a favorite pair of overalls, he is a silly costume person. (This year: One of those inflatable horse riders)

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If he has a favorite leather jacket, he is a spooky costume person. (This year: A mummy)

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If a woman’s favorite pair of overalls are leather, she’s a sexy costume person. (This year: Catwoman).

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If a man’s favorite sports team has a namesake and/or a logo featuring a member of the feline family, he is a sexy costume person.  (This year: shirtless Joe Biden.)

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If a person has a favorite pinball machine, they are a spooky costume person. (This year: The Creature from The Black Lagoon)

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However, if that favorite pinball machine is Bally’s 1977 classic Evel Knievel game, that person is a silly costume person. (This year: Rod from Hot Rod )

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If a woman watches all seven seasons of Gilmore Girls between October and December, she is a spooky costume person. (This year: Frankenstein’s monster)

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If a man does the same, he is a silly costume person. (This year: Dr. Frankenstein)

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If anyone shed a tear during Gilmore Girls’ Season 4, Episode 22, the episode called “Raincoats and Recipes,” well, that makes them human. (They won’t be dressing up or going out this Halloween, and that’s OK.)

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If anyone cheers for the Kansas City Chiefs because they enjoy watching a revolutionary offense led by generational talent Patrick Mahomes, they are a spooky costume person. (This year: The Headless Horseman)

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If anyone cheers for the Kansas City Chiefs because they enjoy reading tabloid drama about Travis Kelce & Taylor Swift, they are a silly costume person. (This year: Travis Kelce or Taylor Swift)

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If anyone cheers for the Kansas City Chiefs because they fantasize about eating a rack of spare ribs slathered with Kansas City BBQ sauce with legendary coach Andy Reid, they are a sexy costume person.  (This year: Dorothy from Wizard of Oz, aka “the original Kansas Hottie,” with the blue and white gingham halter top and Ruby stilettos)

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If someone’s fridge contains over six (6) pumpkin spice beers, they are a silly costume person. (This year: Any character from Sex Education). Unless they brewed the beers themselves. Then they are a spooky costume person (This year: The bad guy from SAW)

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If someone has a personal best corn maze escape time, they are a silly costume person. (This year: Nicole Kidman in the AMC Movie Theater Ad.) (Note: If this person is a parent, they are still a silly costume person but that costume will be homemade, involve a couple hundred square feet of cardboard, utilize a complex system of levers and pulleys and hydraulics, and integrate the baby stroller or wagon.)

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If someone’s favorite Halloween movie is Halloween, they are a spooky costume person. (This year, just like every year since 1978: Michael Myers from Halloween)

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If someone’s favorite Halloween movie is The Addams Family, they are a silly costume person. (This year: Pugsley)

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If someone knows their high score in The Addams Family pinball game, they are a sexy costume person. (This year: A very suggestive Cousin Itt)

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If someone’s favorite Halloween movie is It’s The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown they are both a silly costume person and a spooky costume person. (This year: Sheet ghost)

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If someone has a Snoopy tattoo, they are a silly costume person. (This year: Gumby)

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If someone has a Woodstock tattoo, they are a sexy costume person. (This year: Lumberjack or Lumberjill. Real hatchet included.)

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If someone eats candy corn by the handful and appears to enjoy it, they are a sexy costume person. (This year: Uma Thurman as Pulp Fiction’s Mia Wallace.)

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If someone brings a charcuterie board to a Halloween party and uses prosciutto and cheese to replicate witches fingers, they are a sexy costume person. (This year: Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader.)

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If someone drinks Miller Lite because it tastes great, they are a spooky costume person. (This year: Elvira, Mistress of the Dark.)  If someone drinks Miller Lite because it’s less filling, they are a silly costume person. (This year: Elvira, Mistress of the Dark with one of those propeller hats on.) If someone drinks Miller Lite because they like a good beer buzz early in the mornin’, they are a sexy costume person. (This year: Elvira, Mistress of the Dark, dressed as Sheryl Crow.)

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If someone buys Halloween candy in September but eats it all by October 1, they are a spooky costume person. (This year: Lukas Matsson from Succession when he was at that Election Day Eve party at Tom and Shiv’s apartment or when he was peeing on that mountain by Roman.)

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If you hear Sade’s “Smooth Operator” during an Uber ride, that Uber driver is a spooky costume person. (I know! You’d think that a sexy costume Uber driver would be inclined to play such a sensuous song during a rideshare! But the vast amount of data we’ve collected indicates that they’re a spooky costume person.) (This year: Pennywise the Clown.)

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If someone has left their sunroof open the night before it snows more than twice, they are a silly costume person. (This year: Joe Biden on his bike)

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If someone FaceTimes you without warning, uninvite them from your Halloween party. (This year: Who cares?)