When We Bombed Iran, We Totally 100% Meant to Make Oil More Expensive
U.S. Warns of ‘Most Intense’ Strikes on Iran as It Eases Limits on Russian Oil – The New York Times (March 10, 2026)
From the Office of the Secretary of War:
When we bombed Iran, we totally 100% planned to make oil more expensive, thereby allowing more Russian oil to enter the market, so Putin can further bomb Ukraine. We encourage everyone everywhere to bomb their way to peace.
That’s right, dummies. Let me say it slowly, because you seem too thick to understand the geopolitics at play in Iran and beyond.
This. Was. Our. Plan. All. Along.
What is the plan, exactly, you ask?
First of all, we’ve told you many times. Our goal is regime change in Iran, although it would be fine with us if the regime itself did not change, per se.
How long will the conflict last?
Open your ears. You sound like a kid in the backseat of a station wagon: “How much longer, Dad?” So annoying. As we’ve said many times, this operation will take a short amount of time, trending into a long amount of time, because these things take time.
In good news, operationally, time is on our side, because we just switched over to Daylight Savings Time, which is really confusing and bound to keep the enemy off balance. I still don’t understand the mechanisms at work allowing the sun to literally advance in time and space, but luckily this is one of those things that I don’t spend too much time thinking about, like most operational matters associated with my job.
So, the war will take time but, eventually, it will come to an end, and you will know this for sure when we unveil our new and improved “Mission Accomplished” banner on a ship in an oil-laden ocean somewhere.
Did I say “war”? I don’t think I did. I’ll play the video back for you later where I’m pretty sure I said “gun dance”. Gun dances are more light-hearted, even if just as deadly. But to give you fair warning, this war could also be racist and misogynistic because this war will never be politically correct. My latest baseball hat, which I don with the utmost respect to the fallen, says No Woke Gun Dances. They are currently on sale on my website at 30% off. We can’t discount them any further given the shock to the global oil market.
Speaking of the mess in the energy markets, we bombed Iran knowing full well, nay, hoping, that this would lead to a painful increase in the price of oil. We hoped beyond hope that this oil price shock would affect both our enemies and allies alike, along with some enemies who were so recently our allies (Hola, Spain).
If the price of oil went up, that would get everyone’s attention and, in this global economy, attention is leagues more valuable than oil.
We also knew that this would put pressure on us and our allies to ease sanctions on Russia’s oil, so that Russia can sell more oil and make more money and use it to buy more weapons and therefore fund its war effort in Ukraine.
Like an alcoholic with tremors at a kid’s birthday party, we are playing a shaky game of global Jenga, moving pieces around in the geopolitical landscape with determined recklessness. We take a block from the bottom of the oil market, a block called Venezuela, and put it on top. We take a block from the middle of the oil market, a block called Iran, and put it on top. That’s how you build the tower, you just don’t stop, you’ve got to build that tower putting blocks on top. Sorry, that song always sticks in my head. In this metaphor, the tower is, obviously, peace.
The point is, we are doing this so that the whole tower can eventually go KABOOM and we can start over, even though no one really knows when that will happen. That is the whole point, though. If Russia is bombing Ukraine at a more ferocious pace than before, and we are bombing Iran, and Israel is bombing Lebanon, and celebrities are photo bombing tourists in L.A., then the whole Jenga tower could come crashing down in spectacular fashion at any moment. That’s the fun of it! Predictability is the death of spontaneity; planning is the enemy of fun. And although not formally part of our goals, who would begrudge us a little fun in this long-shortish, non-war-gun-dance, anti-woke, mind-fuck of an operation, known as Epic Fail?
Did I say Epic Fail? I don’t think I did.
I said Epic Fury.
Can’t you feel the fury already? See, it’s working.
- About the Author
- Latest Posts
Nicole Chrolavicius is a lawyer, author and co-host of The New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest Podcast. She lives in Burlington, Ontario, Canada with her husband, three kids, and her unyielding existential dread.
