Other Ways to Describe the Election Right Now Besides “A Real Nail-Biter”
A genuine teeth grinder
A definite stomach churner
A palpable zit erupter
A compulsive AP News refresher
An absolute “pace around your apartment in circles”
A rightful “bang your broom on the ceiling because your neighbor won’t stop pacing around their apartment in circles”
A sure nail polish peeler
A veritable nose picker
An actual need for more cheese
A serious gastrointestinal crisis
A frantic Pepto guzzler
A bona fide catalyst for cleaning out your closet just to feel like you have control over something
A true tear ducts burster
A certain blood pressure raiser (but possibly without any health insurance to manage it, results pending)
An undeniable “will-they-or-won’t-they” have a country tomorrow
A positive reminder to “breathe in through your nose, out through your mouth — no, slower than that, calm down, you’re going to hyperventilate”
An honest-to-goodness reason for cable news anchors to tap smartboards and say “What are we looking at?” when what we’re looking at is actually nothing
An authentic democracy strainer
A good ol’ fashioned hope chomper
A suspenseful cliffhanger but that classic thing where the valley below the cliff is autocracy
A real sensitive spot where my nails used to be
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Kate Herzlin is a New York-based playwright, screenwriter and comedy writer who overuses the rule of three. Her work can be seen in McSweeney’s, The Belladonna, Little Old Lady Comedy, and others. She’s trying to be a better millennial by tweeting more often @kateherzlin.
