Extreme Vetting

“We take you live to New York City’s John F. Kennedy International Airport where President Trump’s executive order restricting who can enter the United States is being implemented.

 

“The order denies entry to the United States for anyone from Syria, Iran, Iraq, Sudan, Libya, Somalia or Yemen. It officially went into effect today when government officials scaled the Statue of Liberty and draped around her neck a sign reading, Sorry We’re Closed’.

 

“The President has said that once the temporary ban is lifted, Christian immigrants will be given priority over Muslim immigrants and the only immigrants that will be admitted into the country will be those who “will support our country, and love deeply our people.”

 

“A flight just arrived from the Middle East and an agent from the Department of Homeland Security wearing a red “Make America Great Again” baseball cap is screening passengers as they depart the plane.”

 

“Welcome to America, almost. We need to ask you a couple of questions to make sure you’re not one of them terrorists because, you know, your flight came from a Muslimy-sounding country.”

 

“Go ahead, infidel.”

 

“Are you a Muslim?”

 

“Why no, I’m not, so help me Allah.”

 

“Do you promise to support our country and love deeply our people.”

 

“Sure, sure. I promise.”

 

A ticking sound is heard from inside the traveler’s luggage.

 

“Sir, it kind of sounds like there’s a time bomb ticking inside your luggage, but since you promised to support our country, President Trump welcomes you to America. You’re now officially a Yankee Doodle Dandy, a real live nephew of my Uncle Sam.”

 

“Thank you, nephew of Uncle Sam.”

 

Another traveler — wearing a T-shirt featuring Osama Bin Laden’s face and the words, “Osama was the best Bomba,” — moves to the front of the line. He hands his passport to the agent.

 

“Good. I see you’re not from Syria, Iran, Iraq, Sudan, Libya, Somalia or Lebanon.”

 

“No, sir. Only bad people come from those countries. I come from the America-loving country of Saudi Arabia.”

 

“Welcome to President Trump’s America.”

 

“Thank you, G.I. Joe.”

 

Another traveler moves to the front of the line.

 

“Sir, I have to vet you extremely before you can enter the country.”

 

“Oh, Jesus Christ.”

 

“Welcome to America. Next.”

 

A woman wearing a bloodied burka and carrying a crying baby with dirt on its face steps to the front of the line.

 

“Excuse me, I’ll be right back.”

 

The agent scurries over to greet a well-dressed man who has just gotten off a plane from Moscow.

 

“I know you’re no terrorist, right, comrade,” the agent says nervously as he opens a VIP entrance for the Russian.

 

“Nyet.”

 

The agent returns to the lady with the crying baby.

 

“You’re a light traveler I see.”

 

“The clothes we are wearing are all my baby and I have left.”

 

“You don’t look like a Christian.”

 

“I’m not.”

 

“Do you love our country.”

 

“I thought I did.”

 

“Do you like hot dogs?

 

“What are hot dogs?”

 

“How about apple pie?”

 

“OK, sure.”

 

“Now we’re getting somewhere. So are you a terrorist?”

 

“I’ll get back to you.”

 

The lady turns and walks away as her baby stops crying.