Entries by AJ DiCosimo


Originals

Ford Memo to All Dealers Regarding 2011-2016 Fiesta and Focus Models About Chimpanzees in Trunks

by AJ DiCosimo
February 6, 2024

Ford is aware that some of the 2011-2016 Focus and Fiesta owners have concerns about the violent, horny chimpanzees that our engineers in Detroit have deliberately placed in the trunk of these automobiles. These vehicles are safe. However, for our customers’ peace of mind, Ford is offering this no-charge service that reduces the potential risk of these hungry primates from entering the vehicle and aggressively satiating their carnal appetites on our customers while on the road.

Best of 2022

Totally True Oscar Facts

by AJ DiCosimo
March 27, 2022

Tom Hanks, Sean Penn, and Jack Nicholson are secretly all the same man. Disney’s Dumbo is the first NC-17 film to ever be nominated. No one has ever seen The English Patient. And more!

Best of 2022

A New Round Of Russian Sanctions

by Jess Faulstich and AJ DiCosimo
March 16, 2022

MGM Studios will remaster Rocky IV by digitally replacing Ivan Drago with Jar Jar Binks, Siberia will now be called ‘Other Alaska’, Rubles are now worth .000095 of a shirt button, and more!

Originals

Cecil Agnew – The Father Of Modern Mixology

by AJ DiCosimo and Jess Faulstich
September 7, 2021

He muddled herbs and strychnine with his father’s wooden leg. He zested citrus using his grocer’s hook hand. He strained cocktails with his grandfather’s dentures. When germs were discovered in 1875, he scrapped the use of prosthetics in favor of traditional metal barware. Ever the environmentalist, Cecil chose to use logs of cured meat as swizzle sticks and lead nuggets as whiskey stones.

Originals

Conversations That May Have Taken Place Off-Camera

by AJ DiCosimo
August 3, 2021

The Wizard Of Oz: Cowardly Lion: I think I’m kind of into her guys. Tin Man: Oh Lion… Cowardly Lion: What should I do? Scarecrow: I think you should tell her. Tin Man: Tell her what? “Hey Dorothy. I know that you’re a small town girl from Kansas and I’m a lion, but when all this is over do you want to go to the movies sometime?” 

Best Of 2021

17 Extinct Dog Breeds

by AJ DiCosimo and Jess Faulstich
April 15, 2021

Palmeranian (phylangesis floofli) A toy breed known for its ability to hold a basketball and to tell the future the Palmeranian became threatened after the invention of gloves and mittens which led to its inevitable suffocation.

Originals

The Commissioner’s Adjusted Rules For The 2020 MLB Season

by AJ DiCosimo
June 26, 2020

Along with having a universal designated hitter every team will be assigned a designated tickler, Stadiums will replace hot dogs with normal temperature regular dogs, Gloves will be replaced with a hand of bananas. And more.

originals

My Petitions

by Brooke Knisley and AJ DiCosimo
January 10, 2020

Extend The ‘Five-Second Rule’ To Food I’ve Dropped On The Floor To The End Of The Current Business Day, and more.

Originals

The Prophecy Speaks Of “The One”

by AJ DiCosimo
June 19, 2019

First, you must be willing to undergo the ritualistic Cave Beating Of Friends where we spelunk you into a cave and beat you with sticks until you can successfully name all six primary characters from the cast of Friends and the actors who played them.

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An Absurd And Morally Irresponsible Look Into 2020’s Possible Best Picture Nominees

by AJ DiCosimo
March 7, 2019

I Transformed My Body Into A Pot Beef Stew For This Role: Christian Bale is a lock for another best actor nod as he’s undergone his most ambitious body transformation to date by morphing himself into a delicious, simmering pot of beef stew. With dynamite performances by Paul Giamatti as the man who makes the stew and Amy Adams as the woman who eats it, this erotic thriller is fun for the whole family and may score Netflix it’s first best picture win.

originals

To Whoever Finds This Note

by AJ DiCosimo
September 6, 2018

I’m sorry that it had to be you, but if you are reading it means that your life is in danger and you don’t have much time. On the table in the dining room, you will find a loaded bazooka next to a flak jacket and an arsenal of automatic assault weapons.

Next to those, you will find the banana in a brown paper bag.

Eat that banana.

originals

Synopsis: Aunt-Man and the W.A.S.P.

by AJ DiCosimo
July 19, 2018

When Black Widow (Scarlett Johansson) catches two homeless kids eating a possum in an alleyway, she takes matters into her own hands and delivers the feral children to their only living relative: Aunt Mya (Scarlett Johannson) a street-smart transgender sex worker with a prescription drug habit and a mean left hook, who wants nothing to […]

Originals

The Art Of The Slaughter: 7 More Humane Ways To Kill Your Livestock

by AJ DiCosimo
June 8, 2018

1. Take your animal to an upscale Italian restaurant. About halfway through your meal start speaking Italian so if anyone is eavesdropping they won’t know what you’re talking about. Excuse yourself to the lavatory to retrieve the gun that was planted by one of your confidants. Return to the table and let the cinematic tension […]