Posts

When You Forget That Person’s Name 

Take them to a mirror to show them the new self-love affirmations you learned on the Calm app. You go: “I am [Your name] and I am enough.” Now their turn! What a sucker! (For revealing their name, not for doing the affirmations. That shit works.)

Getting Smashed At Your Monster Mash

Crack O’ Lantern:   You’ve heard about using an apple as a bong, but how about using a hollow pumpkin for smoking some crack?   Just don’t do it on your front porch, maybe.

I’m Addicted to Taking MDMA 3-4 Times a Year

Some people take MDMA for spiritual reasons, but I’m not acclaimed New Yorker writer Jia Tolentino. I take MDMA for one of the basest motivations known to humankind: I like having fun.

An Open Letter To Those Who Declined My Facebook Event Invite

It is with great disappointment that I write to you today, the day after our Ninth Annual Footie Pajama Game Of Thrones Bar Crawl. The turnout, as you can imagine, was incredible.

I’m Sorry for Wearing a Sexy Nurse Costume to Your Event But It’s Kinda Your Fault for Having It Close to Halloween

I’m sorry I invited 10 random people to your private family and friends shindig and told them it was going to be a rager. I’m sorry they showed up.

CARTOON: Trunk Bunk

Strife of the party. Today's cartoon by Paul Lander & Dan McConnell.

Geoffrey’s Sad Clown Rental

These clowns are medicated right up to their blue-tear painted eyeballs and straight through their red noses (some of them snort depression cocaine). You name it, these clowns have been prescribed it. Zoloft, Prozac, low-doses of Morphine. The FDA has recently approved a new and very special niche medication, Klownopin.

CARTOON: Brain Drain

Morning meeting. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

CARTOON: NYE Kiss

Give us a smooch. Today's cartoon by Brandon Hicks

Reasons That I'm Not Coming To Your Baby Shower

You're not having a baby;  you're considering maybe buying an iguana when you get your tax refund next year.     Look, that's great and all, but I'm not going to help you buy iguana-chow or whatever.    You still live at home with your parents, con them into paying for the damned thing.

How to Trick the Unvaccinated into Getting the COVID Vaccine, According to Six Children's Party Magicians

Follow your nose down the trail of Axe Body Spray and boom, that’s your mark. Lead him to your magic disappearing box and have him confirm the box is solid with no secret escape panel. The purple smoke that billows out as he climbs in is actually a general anaesthetic. Spin the box around three times and open it to show he’s gone. He’ll wake up in a clinic waiting room with a 3pm vaccination appointment. Voilà!

CARTOON: Wishy Washy Witches

Melting good time. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

AirBnB Listing for the Love Shack

Other Things to Note: The air conditioner is busted, so you might find yourself wearin’ next to nothing ‘cause it’s hot as an oven. Also, the whole shack shimmies when everybody’s movin’ around. Will this be an issue? Only if you find yourselves having a pure and innocent dance party! 

CARTOON: Gender Reveal

Looks like rain. Today's cartoon by Ed Naylor.

Brood X Cicada or Frat Boy on Break?

All they want to do is get laid. No concept of personal space. They never travel in groups smaller than swarms. And more!

Jimmy Buffet Song or How I’m Explaining the Divorce to My Kids from Inside the New Akron Margaritaville

1. A Pirate Looks at Forty 2. Pencil Thin Mustache 3. Changes…

A Toddler’s Etiquette Tips For Extricating Oneself From Boring Small Talk at a Party

Hand them a piece of clay that looks too much like poop and whisper, “I made this for you,” then disappear while they try to decipher it. 

The Best Goddamned Surprise 30th Birthday Party Ever

Katie, I swear, you must be the village idiot.  I know you would never park your car right in front of a SURPRISE party, now would you? Did you not think Karen wouldn’t recognize your SEXYGRL license plate and wonder what you are doing here?

Other Ways to Celebrate Woodstock 50

Go back and listen to the music that made Woodstock, perhaps for the first time while sober.

Memorial Day Picnic Tips

Honor our fallen soldiers by eating mayonnaise-based “salads” that have been sitting in the sun all day. And more.

CARTOON: Re-Introductions

Icy Greetings. Today's cartoon by Evan Lian.

CARTOON: Hold On Tight!

Don't get carried away! Today's cartoon by Mike Shiell.

New Coachella Ticket Add-Ons

Use of trans-dimensional portal to visit Earth-2’s famous music and arts festival, Craig T Nelsonella. ($850 up charge)

#NewYearsEveRegrets

Our heads are still ringing in the new year, or just ringing...where's the Tylenol!? Lots of unregretful fun this week on our Weekly Humorist Hashtag game!

CARTOON: Enough About Me

It's important to be an active listener. Today's cartoon by Brandon Hicks.

CARTOON: Hog Wild

Epic Gender Reveal Party Theme Ideas for Men

Football Game Gender Reveal: Hire two professional football…

The Tri-State Area’s Lowest-Rated Birthday Party Clowns

The Clown That Ran Over Your Dog While He Was Parking, and Diabeeto: The Clown That Needs to Give Himself a Shot Real Quick. Smile!

CARTOON: Ruff Day

CARTOON: Lobster Party

Why You’re Not Invited to Parties Anymore

That woman you brought to the last party kept biting the other…

Signs That You're At A Terrible New Year's Eve Party

Your mom makes you go to bed right after it turns midnight. The…

Office Christmas Party Rules That Reflect Current Sexual Harassment Concerns

No more placing the mistletoe above your crotch and referring…

Spring Broke: Your Cheap Destination Guide

(Your Guide To Fun, Inexpensive Places To Visit For Spring Breakers…

Grim Reaper’s 2016 Party Gets Outta Control

Looks like someone can’t get enough celebrating this year,…

CARTOON: New Year's Eve Drop