The Democratic Candidates Ate The Plums That Were In The Icebox 

Biden, “I didn’t eat the plums, jeez louise. I only squeezed all of them. But if I did eat them, would that be a damn crime? You know, some people are just going too far. Forgive me, but I’m pretty sure Barack also squeezed—and even ate—some plums, and everyone seemed to love him.”

Warren, “Yes, I ate every single plum. And yes, I knew that you wanted to eat them for lunch. But hey, I’m human, and probably the first woman to eat them. I don’t expect you to forgive me, but what if I told you that I’ve got a plan to replenish them? What if I told you that eating them was a part of my plan all along?”

Steyer, “The plums are an issue, of course. People are eating out of each other’s ice boxes like it’s their own. Some people have Yeti ice boxes, others prefer Coleman or even Igloo. I once ran a business, too. That’s important.”

Buttigieg, “I want to acknowledge the fact that the plums you were saving were both sweet and so cold—as well as the fact that you were saving them. You see, there’s already so much divide. I think what matters is that we are fortunate enough to have plums in the first place.”

Gabbard, “The American people are tired of hearing about this. Of course I ate the peaches, because the nation is looking for an adept, self-aware leader, and I am her. I love peaches.”

Klobuchar, “This is just another rumor, I assure you. Just like the one about my staffers. Can we talk about that? Did they tell you I ate the plums?”

Sanders, “Eat the plums…I would never do such a thing, even if you offered me one million right now. I was there when you put the little fruits in the icebox this morning and I made a moral decision to not eat any, because I knew you were saving them for lunch. But I’m not gonna make this about me. You work hard and you deserve nothing but cold and sweet plums. In fact, everyone deserves some plums.”

Bloomberg, “Would the former mayor of New York eat them? You know what, search me if that’s what you want, but you’re not gonna find any plums.”