The NFL announced a new national anthem policy today: Players should wait and see what Bill Belichick does and do the opposite. Players who kneeled during the anthem in 2017 are free to do the same in 2018 because they are no longer in the NFL. Players with concussions should continue as though nothing […]
It turns out Michael Cohen isn’t the only associate of President Trump that FOX News mouthpiece Sean Hannity has secretly consulted for advice. In the interest of full disclosure after boycotts were threatened against his show’s sponsors, Hannity explained the additional totally appropriate relationships: General Mike Flynn: “General Flynn and I spoke for the briefest […]
Now that Trump has made American so damn great again, there’s nothing left to do. Never got over losing his title as Washington’s No. 1 body builder since Huckabee Sanders showed up. Wants to audition for host of Celebrity Apprentice before impeachment inevitably puts Trump back on the open market. Tired of Mike Pence clinging […]
After sending out a series of blistering pre-dawn tweets, watching Fox & Friends and playing 18 holes at the new Trump Miniature Golf Course in Langley, Va., President Trump is ready to start his work day at the crack of 1 p.m. in the Oval Office. He’s seated behind his desk, wearing a Make America […]
Vladimir Putin won re-election as Russian President and immediately went to work trying to fulfill his primary campaign promises: A chicken in every bot To throw a big victory party in the Summer Kremlin at Mar-a-Lago To find something for that pinhead General Flynn to do so he’ll stop hounding me. To film a pilot […]
President Donald J. Trump said this week that if he had been present at the recent deadly shootings at a Florida high school, “I really believe I’d run in there, even if I didn’t have a weapon.” Here’s what else Trump would have done if he had found his way inside the school: […]
The crowd will be the largest for a military parade. Ever. Anywhere. Period. All spectators will stand proudly at attention during National Anthem — at gunpoint, if necessary. Giant inflatable Underdog balloon from the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade will be surpassed by real-life floating Steve Bannon. Female spectators who show their breasts Mardi Gras-style will […]
Stable Genius and the Unindicted Co-Conspirators Obama Doesn’t Live Here Anymore Emoluments The What? J Kelly’s Daycare Center Cash Laundry Manafort Destiny Two Dons and a Fredo Pussy Grab The Plastic MAGA Band Vlad’s Bitch Mar-A-Loco Little Tweet Golden Shower Sgt. Cheetos’ Lonely Farts Club Band Confederate Swastika
“Sorry for the five-hour wait, Mr. President.” “That’s OK, Doctor. I’m a quarter of the way through this fascinating Highlights magazine.” “Stick out your tongue and say, “achtung”.” “Rocket Man’s button has to be bigger.” “Doc, you know I don’t like foreigners crossing my Southern border, if you get my drift.” “We’ll let you know […]
Albania “Voted against my homey Roy Moore.” New Zealand “Not as nice as Old Zealand.” Puerto Rico “Free-loading wannabes think they’re part of the U.S.” Lichtenstein “Too Jewish.” Kenya “That’s where that phony Obama comes from.” Poland “They make jokes about me being stupid.” Chad “Sissy name for a country.” Jordan “I’m more of a […]
Frees up prime real estate in Tel Aviv for developing Trump Kasino and Kibbutz. Figures it’ll piss off “that Kenyan Obama.” Says it will make “The Old City Great Again.” Too many Jews in Tel Aviv. That schmuck Jared said it will bring peace to the Middle East. Will save money on a wall because […]
Forces Trump to wake up twice as early to maintain current tweetstorm intensity. Deflates egos of those who already had 280 characters on experimental basis. Creates jobs for journalists fact checking Kellyanne Conway tweets. Makes it easier for Rand Paul and his neighbor to settle their disputes on Twitter. One tweet can now list all […]
President Donald Trump has challenged Secretary of State Rex Tillerson to an IQ test after Tillerson called the President “a moron.” Here are the questions that Trump has drawn up for the test: 1. What’s a moron? 2. One Access Hollywood bus leaves New York at the same time another leaves Los Angeles. Which one […]
O.J. Simpson was released from prison Sunday and brought with him the following to-do list for starting his new life: Begin controversy-free life by attending NFL game. Hop in the Bronco with A.C. and see how many helicopters follow. Look into that Bruno Magli endorsement. Plan scariest trick or treat visit Brentwood has ever seen. Get […]
As you might imagine, the White House has been receiving thousands of phone calls from both supporters and opponents in recent days. To facilitate the processing of the calls, the White House has installed a new automatic phone answering system to help patriotic Americans and losers alike reach the proper party: “Thank you […]
Current and former members of President Trump’s inner circle have reunited at Mar-a-Lago for the Trump Fantasy Football League draft. Here are the owners and their teams: Gen. Kelly: The Kindergarten Cops Sebastian Gorka: The Brownshirts Jared Kushner: The Colludin’ Bolsheviks Reince Priebus: The Los Angeles Leakers Anthony Scaramucci: The […]
The biggest accomplishments by the Trump Administration during its first 100 days: Attracted the largest Inauguration crowd in nearly four years. Period. Repealed and replaced its National Security Advisor. Raised the President’s approval rating by 20 points. (Oh wait. That’s President Obama.) Significantly reduced the jobless rate with the all the jobs given to Trump […]
President Donald Trump and Texas Senator Ted Cruz officially put their campaign feud behind them when the President hosted Cruz and his wife Heidi for dinner tonight at the White House. The one-time rivals spoke glowingly of each other as well as their spouses during dinner. “In order to make you feel at home, […]
What President Obama overheard while tapping Donald Trump’s phone during the campaign: July 12, 4 p.m.: “Eastwood can’t do the convention? Damn, I love that chair bit.” September. 11, 7 a.m., 8 a.m., 9 a.m., 10 a.m., 11 a.m., noon, 1 p.m., 2 p.m., 3 p.m., 4 p.m., 5 p.m., 9 p.m., 10 p.m.: […]
The American Academy of Arts & Sciences announced during the Oscars tonight that several classic movies will be remade to fit the Trump Administration. The announcement was made by Oscar-winning actress Meryl Streep. The Trump adaptations are: 2016: An Electoral Odyssey Lawrence of Arabia — Banned The Russia House Raging Bullshit One Lined the Cuckoo’s […]
Here’s what President Trump was talking about when he mentioned “what’s happening last night in Sweden. Sweden, who would believe this?” The Ingmar Bergman Comedy Festival opened. Bjorn Borg was disqualified from a seniors tennis match after beating a referee with his racket. Swedish meatballs were served without lingonberry sauce. IKEA sold nothing but […]
“We take you live to the White House where President Trump is holding a joint news conference with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu: Netanyahu: “Under your leadership, Mr. President, I believe we can reverse the rising tide of radical Islam. And in this great task, as in so many others, Israel stands with you […]
The Trump Administration has more phone call problems. (Now former) National Security Adviser Mike Flynn is in hot water for reportedly having an inappropriate telephone conversation with the Russian Ambassador before Donald Trump was sworn in as President. During the conversation Flynn, then a private citizen, reportedly assured the Russian Ambassador that the incoming Administration would […]
“We take you live to the White House where President Trump is holding a joint news conference with the Canadian Prime Minister.” “I just finished a very productive meeting with Canadian Prime Minister Justin Bieber. Thanks, Biebs.” Prime Minister Trudeau nods politely and gives his opening statement in both English and French. […]
President Donald J. Trump reportedly became angry during a telephone conversation with the Prime Minister of Australia and berated the Aussie leader before hanging up on him. Apparently that wasn’t the only such incident. Here are excerpts from other phone conversations the President had with foreign heads of state that were less than Presidential: Austria: […]
Experts predict close to $5 billion will be bet on Sunday’s Super Bowl LI between the New England Patriots and the Atlanta Falcons. The wagering will include all kinds of proposition bets on things such as which team will win the coin toss and who will be named the Most Valuable Player. Here are […]
“We take you live to New York City’s John F. Kennedy International Airport where President Trump’s executive order restricting who can enter the United States is being implemented. “The order denies entry to the United States for anyone from Syria, Iran, Iraq, Sudan, Libya, Somalia or Yemen. It officially went into effect today when […]
Now that Mexico has refused to pay for the wall that the Trump Administration plans to build along the U.S. border with Mexico, U.S. officials have begun exploring alternate ways of paying for the $12 billion-$15 billion price tag:. Raise cost of the Taco Bowl at Trump Tower to $10 million. Levy a “Wall […]
“We take you to Washington D.C. where President Trump is about to hold his first news conference since being sworn into office.” Trump walks onto a giant stage featuring as a backdrop a huge American flag slightly bigger than the used in the opening scene of “Patton.” He walks up to a lectern with a […]
Sticky notes that President Obama has left around Washington to help incoming President Trump and those around him: In the Oval Office: In the Oval Office: In the Lincoln Bedroom: In the Situation Room: In the Office of Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell: In the Treasury Secretary’s Office: In the Treasury Secretary’s Office: At Secret […]
“Ask not what your country can do for you — ask what your country can do for me.” “There is nothing wrong with America that cannot be fixed by a hat with a slogan on it.” “In this present crisis, government is not the solution to our problem; government is a money-making opportunity.” “The first […]
Russian hackers got into the Nielsen computers and sabotaged Arnold Schwarzenegger’s ratings for the debut of the “The New Celebrity Apprentice.” Construction is set to begin on a Trump Casino, Trump Golf Course, Trump Hotel and Trump Kibbutz on the West Bank in Jerusalem. The Trump Administration and the GOP Congress plan to replace […]
Cable networks salivating at their ratings-grabbing replays of live coverage of tragic events such as the Kennedy Assassination and 9/11 on their anniversaries have a new gimmick this holiday season. Several networks are using their 2016 technology and applying their boilerplates to cover the first Christmas as though it were happening in real time. The […]
President-elect Trump is pacing inside the penthouse at Trump Tower. He stares out at the Manhattan skyline and all the Christmas decorations that have sprung up and he listens to a cable news show in the background. Trump catches only bits and pieces of what’s being said because he’s distracted while tweeting on his gold cell phone. […]