Dunkin’ Iced Coffee:  Quippy tech guru PRIME Energy: Sadistic but easily dispatched henchman La Croix (Pamplemousse flavor):  Self-conscious artist making film within a film, and more!

Bad binge. Today's cartoon by Alex John.

Get ready to Stockholm Syndrome your way into a dubiously legally-binding marriage with the least financially stable, most emotionally volatile, sentient pair of swim trousers you’ve ever met on our new dating show, Sex Fest Island. The twist? There’s no sex and you’re trapped 30 feet underground in a dark, dark chamber devoid of warmth or feeling. You are technically on an island, though. 

153) Absolutely no noise after 10:00pm, even television, on any given day of the week: I mean it, there are no exceptions to this rule. Although it is only two beats total, my cat is trained to wake me at the opening sound of any Netflix show.

What has she got that I haven’t got, Craig? Besides eight mesmerizing tentacles, the ability to change color and texture, and a disinclination to speak? I’ll dye my hair any color you want, but I’m sorry, buddy – I’ve only got the two arms, and neither of them are covered in little suction cups.

Before you Google whether or not that last sentence is true, please skim the below exhaustive list of red flags that the person you’ve been coupled with is actually a couple in and of themselves —i.e. a duo of secret twins masquerading as one. You never know until it’s too late!

* “A rose by any other name would smell as sweet” - Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet * Now streaming on Netflix: A Rose As Sweet! One bachelor will date twenty women named Rose. The twist: he can’t see them or talk to them. He must decide which Rose to marry -- only by smelling them.

Side effects of Binge-A-Derm TV are common, but severe. They include an inability to communicate using anything other than TV references, contempt for anyone who hasn’t seen the latest episode, and nausea. Cool!

“The Haunted Air BnB”: It’s a Sherlock crossover episode this week as the Gang heads across the pond for a star-studded Saturday morning special! Fresh off the plane, Velma beelines to a local pub to get wifi on her smartphone, while Fred and Daphne stumble upon a string of haunted AirBnBs being investigated by none other than British national icon Sherlock Holmes. Will Fred overcome his jealousy and be able to work with Sherlock, despite seeing this chiseled, animated version of Benedict Cumberbatch shamelessly flirt with Daphne? Are the ghosts in the AirBnB paying customers, or simply squatters claiming housing rights? Seriously, how is AirBnB even legal with the limited amount of protections in place for both consumers and hosts?

Just because you don’t read anymore doesn’t mean you don’t need your books: Do you think books arranged into a high order rainbow are pretty? Does the perfect symmetry turn the volume down on the noise in your brain? Then you definitely can’t get rid of your textbooks from AP Bio, or any of your 17 copies of The Mists of Avalon.

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