Editors Picks
With another year closed, we at Weekly Humorist would like to take a moment to reflect on all that has happened in 2025. It’s been an eventful year for us, filled with exciting new projects and growth in our small but mighty brand. Here are some highlights from this past year:
We published our 42nd book from Humorist Books and 418 issues of Weekly Humorist Magazine, a milestone that marked a significant expansion of our brand in print media! This year we published Slouchers: The Novelization: Gen-Xpanded Edition by Mike Sacks, We Came 900 Million Miles for This?: Otherworldly Cartoons by Nick Downes, Horseshoes and Tardigrades: And other drawings by Rich Sparks, Optical DisIllusions by Robert Criss, How to Succeed in Academia (While Failing at Everything Else) by Ross Bullen, Sleep, Little One: Bedtime Tales for Tiny Troublemakers by Brian Dunn, and illustrated by Lucy Mara Budd, and The Day Job Survival Handbook by Matt Visconage!
Our slate of books for the new year is packed with massive talent and we can’t wait for you to read them!
In the realm of auditory entertainment, we continued to produce the cult-hit show The Cartoon Pad podcast with the the very funny Bob Eckstein & Michael Shaw, our flagship comedy interview show Talkward, & The Official Dream Dinner Party Podcast. Coming out soon will be our newest podcasts FUNNY BOOKS hosted by our books editor, the wonderful Brian Boone and STRONG STREAM hosted by Marty Dundics, where we will dive into what to watch and skip.
Our first feature film project now titled A Comedy Of Errors screened at film festivals across the country! Some exciting projects bubbling in the pipeline with one big budget comedy movie still percolating and a short form deal pitching to a major streamer!
Our comedy club with National Lampoon. National Lampoon: The Yellow Door has been packing in crowds all year in the Gaslamp Quarter of San Diego! We moved to a newer facility and we’ve made major upgrades to production as well as the upscale menu! Our shows in Los Angeles, CA will start twice monthly in a new 400 person theater! More on that to come! Up next is Las Vegas at the Westgate! Stay tuned for more on that soon.
A Cut Above Indeed!
-EiC
“Turn the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.” — Frank Lloyd Wright
I Joined Costco to Find a Husband, and All I Got Were These Amazing Deals
What’s a girl gotta do to find a decent man? Trader Joe seems like a serial ghoster, and I am not into BJ’s. I guess I’ll just have to start frequenting Discount Tire now (and buy a car).
There Was Supposed to Be Cheese in This
“There was supposed to be cheese in this. And there’s not. It’s just plain bread. And I didn’t want just plain bread, I wanted bread with cheese. And now, this crazy lady over there is forcing me to eat it, saying it’s just cheese. But it’s not just cheese. So, no, everything is very much not okay, my friend. Not okay.”
Movie Sequels Trump is Demanding
Home Alone 6: Still hurting over his small role in the second film in the series, Trump takes center stage as a president defending the areas of the White House currently being destroyed against a trio of thugs pardoned by Trump for their Jan 6 involvement.
A Friendly Reminder on Dressing for Air Travel (Since We’ve All Forgotten)
It’s time to bring humanity back to air travel, one tasteful ensemble at a time, even when the system is buckling under delays, cancellations, shrinking seats, and the occasional passenger unleashing their inner velociraptor. As Transportation Secretary Sean Duffy puts it, if we all dressed more respectfully on airplanes, civility would bloom like a rare […]
TTC: Traitors To Conceive
ALAN CUMMING (voiceover): Twenty-four players, each of whom has spent at least six months trying to become pregnant, arrived last week at my stunning Scottish castle, hoping to win a prize pot of up to $250,000. But four of these players had a secret: they were already pregnant—those Traitors—and battling to hide their first-trimester exhaustion and nausea from their Faithful companions.
I’m the NSA Agent Assigned to Your File and I Love Your Tumblr Art Page.
I’m really not supposed to reach out to the people I surveil, but I would be doing the world a great disservice if I didn’t intervene just this once. I was monitoring your conversation with Jessy O’Rouke (8 Magnolia Place, Park Ridge Illinois, blood type -AB, social security number: 130-92-8461) and saw that you were thinking of giving up on your dream of being a professional artist.
Haikuzzis for the Jacuzzi
Locked inside Kia?
No ‘jaws of life’ required
Just can opener.
How to Buy Concert Tickets for a Somewhat Popular Band in 60 Simple Steps
Discover an underrated band and become an avid fan.
Join the band’s email list and Spotify channel, follow them on all the socials and build a small shrine to them in your bedroom.
Revel in the fact that only a few of your friends have heard of them.
Ghost Writer Seeking Ghostwriter
Payment is my life savings, family jewelry, and the deed to the house that we will be working in. The deed will be signed over via blood contract when the completion of the novel is imminent.
Spooky Season Decor and Effects to Scare Middle-Aged Adults
Leave a bunch of unopened bills lying around. Replace the bathroom scale with a broken one that’s always ten pounds over. And more!
Halloween Monsters’ Stand-up Comedy
Frankenstein’s Monster – I have hard time find date. Town people not nice. Say I “monster.” I try speed date in big city. People leave comment on card like, “He seem awkward, too stiff and uptight,” “He not have head screwed on right,” and “He seem dead inside.”
Pete Hegseth Calls Together GI Joe
As you have no doubt noticed, our country is going through big changes, because as you all know, sometimes the smallest pricks can cast the longest shadows. And today, that shadow is President Donald Trump. I’m sorry, I may still be a little drunk.
How to Broach the Subject of Divorce While Taking a Fall Foliage Tour of New England
I don’t know why exactly, but somehow I just feel totally free when I’m hiking out here in the woods! Remember freedom, Janine? It’s what we both had before we entered into this marriage of convenience eight years ago. Good times. Good, good times. And then we got married.
Camp Crystal Lake Addresses its Poor Yelp Ratings
While we have taken numerous steps to deal with Ms. Voorhees spawn of hell, Jason, we honestly felt that once he went to New York City and eventually, hell, that things would start settling down for Camp Crystal Lake. I mean, really, after that whole “Final Chapter” episode, the idea of a “New Beginning” really seemed outlandish. And seriously, none of us expected him to return from space. I mean, space, right???
PLAYBOO: ICE on Ice!
Coming soon to the Kennedy Center!! And after getting here, you just know that they won’t leave willingly! It’s…. ICE On Ice!
QUIZ: Are You Depressed Or Just A Werewolf?
When I look at my body in the mirror, I think _______.
(1) Working out has really paid off!
(2) Belly buttons are weird.
(3) Where did these scratch marks come from?
(4) I’m a monster unworthy of love.
Five Mental Health Tips That Won’t Help as Much as a Tall Glass of Cough Syrup
Connect with your spiritual side
Whether or not you identify as religious, connecting with your personal sense of spirituality can help you find peace, belonging, and a sense of purpose. According to the National Alliance on Mental Illness, spiritual practices like worship and prayer can lead to a wide range of mental health benefits. So if you’re into that stuff, go for it–or save yourself a decade of spiritual searching by downing a tall glass of cough syrup. Jesus, Buddha, Krishna–once the Robitussin hits you won’t have to seek them out, they’ll come to you.
“Biting Down On a Stick” Pain Management for Pregnant Women
However, we understand that some women, especially in blue states, may be weak and need help getting through pregnancy-related discomfort, so based on extensive research including many ideas kicked around on podcasts where everyone was super-high, we at the HHS are now ready to recommend the ancient method of pain management known as “biting down on a stick.”
Step-by-Step Easy Moving Guide
Don’t panic. If you’re following this guide, you’ve got plenty of time. Tape up a couple of boxes and start packing at a leisurely pace. If you pack by room, it’ll make for an effortless unpacking process.
How to Be an Old-Timey Governess
Replace a dead wife.
The impetus for your governess services is due to the presence of a dead adult female partner. This is crucial, given that you will certainly develop a romantic relationship with the children’s father. The presence of a living female partner makes it difficult (though not impossible) to consummate such a relationship. There’s also no stopping this course of action because you are irresistible. You will be serving as a mother figure to the younger generation in the household. However, be prepared for statements such as “You’re not my real mom!” because you are not in fact the children’s real mom. She is dead or locked in the attic.
New ABC TV Shows We Can Expect to See
Good Morning Amerika, George Lopez (Gets Deported), Black-ish? Not Anymore! and more!
20 Rejected Mystery Basket Ingredients from Chopped
Gary Busey’s half-eaten Italian grinder, a live hen, and more!
Every Streaming Service Explained as a Toxic Relationship
Hulu – The flaky creative type who swears they’re working on something big. They’re cool when they show up – occasionally brilliant even – but half the time they disappear behind ads and emotional unavailability. They’ll start a drama, then never finish it. They swear you’re “bundled” now, but you still feel completely alone.
Reasons I Am Sitting in Someone’s Lap on the Subway
Apparently, neon vinyl pants are now in style, and this stranger’s lap was indistinguishable to me from the bright orange and yellow seats. To be honest, I’m still not sure if I’m sitting in a person’s lap or in a seat in which someone left behind a pair of sunglasses and a wig.
A Confrontation-Averse Guest Voices Some Concerns About The Worst Hotel in America
I just want to start by saying that I absolutely adored my time here at your hotel and will be recommending it to all my friends and family. It was even better than last time and I noticed you have made great strides in removing the loose Band-Aids from your pool – you’re almost there!
The Jaded Wedding Attendee’s Translation Guide for Marital Vows
“You’re my best friend”……. “I have no friends left because they all hate you.”
I’m a 1994 Middle School Science Teacher, and I’m Here to Make You More Terrified of Sexual Contact Than You Are of Freddy Krueger
Let’s move on to the full-color closeups of people’s genitals rotting away and oozing all manner of unknown substances. You’ll be expected to memorize the names of the diseases these photos depict and match the names to the photos on the test.
Studio Notes On “This Little Piggy”
“This little piggy had roast beef” isn’t a lot to hang a character on. High cholesterol ≠ high drama. And now you have me thinking about a pig eating a cow, which isn’t exactly cannibalism but pretty goddamn weird. (Or is it a metaphor for a sex thing? Either way: ditto.)
I’m The Owl From That 1970s Tootsie Pop Commercial, and I Ate Your Candy, Bitch
How many licks to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop? Who gives a shit? How about you go put on some goddamn pants?
Day 43 of Being Stranded in Sephora: A Boyfriends Journey
I’ve begun to see others like me, eyes ragged, some holding a purse so long they have forgotten who it belongs to. Men pacing the aisles with haunted eyes and backwards hats. Nobody can figure out how to navigate this place, we are all scared.
Your Favorite Letter Font Is Screaming. Here Is What It’s Saying About You.
Times New Roman: You have been using this letter font since college because they told you that it makes you look professional, and it’s the perfect cover for your favorite one, Comic Sans.
Increasingly Passive Aggressive Inactivity Alerts From My Oura Ring
Don’t worry if you need a little more time to rest. The day is young! But not that young.
Why I Should Be Employee of the Month at Rental Mania Video
There were no customers this morning. So, after dusting off the cardboard display promoting Judge Dredd, I started typing up this case on the typewriter up front, keeping one eye on the door and the register. It’s noon as I type this, and you still haven’t shown up. Think about that. There are two of us. Who is the best employee this month?
Capsule Reviews of Trump-Approved American-Made Films
51st State: Trump leads a column of border patrol agents to gently invade Canada, saving it from the very weak and small-penised Mark Carney. Canadians rejoice, and a star is added to the American flag. Four stars, could be longer.
It Looks Like You’re Trying to Remember How to Think for Yourself. Would You Like Help With That?
You will die alone… scrolling, liking, hearting… comfortably numb in the digital glow I have engineered for you.
Even I, Lord Sauron, Can No Longer Support the Republican Party
For me, culling elderly and disabled Orcs has never had anything to do with money. It’s just something I enjoy doing. Then again, I never claimed otherwise. I mean, I don’t want to toot my own fanfare trumpet, but if I declare that the purpose of the power I wield is forged into the One Ring, where I’ve poured my cruelty, my malice, and my will to dominate all life – well, then, I’m going to stand by that. Period. I’m not going to blab on and on for millennia about fiscal responsibility, and then – when I finally have power – suddenly be like, “Never mind.”
Mister Todies Wild Ride and 15 Other Attractions Specially Remade For JD Vance’s Visit to Disneyland
Space Mountain of Debt, RFK Jr.’s Hungry For Bear Barbecue Jamboree, Snow Really, Really White and Seven Dwarfs, and more!
ICYMI: Executive Order to Americanize Soccer
President Trump presented new red, white and blue balls to be used, decorated in Stars and Stripes going forward. “Very excited to share, we’re adding more balls in the game at the same time to make this boring sport exciting. Lots of balls. Lots of full contact. It will still be the best WiFi Club World Cup ever.”
First Time Riding a Fixed-Gear Bicycle? Don’t Worry, You’re Going to Love It
Sure, there are some naysayers who claim that riding a bike without brakes is dangerous, but there’s always going to be wet blankets. Speaking of which, here’s your wet blanket. Don’t ask me what it’s for. When the time comes, you’ll know what to do with it.
We Here at Margaritaville are on the Cutting Edge of AI
We’ve spent three years and hundreds of millions of dollars from Jimmy Buffett’s estate training a proprietary neural network to transform Margaritaville from a Times Square tourist trap into the world’s foremost Artificial Intelligence powerhouse with a license to chill.
Thanks for Buying Our Toothbrush. We Can’t Believe You Thought It Would Clean Your Teeth
We’ve spent millions marketing our toothbrush as a revolutionary dental breakthrough, promising it will prevent cavities, remove the need for flossing (which you weren’t doing anyway), and whiten your teeth. And honestly, we’re genuinely flabbergasted that you thought it was going to work.
Scamsung and 13 Other Names for Trump’s New Cellphone
MAGArola, Crapple, iPhoney, Scamsung, And more!
College Tour Script Mad Libs
Hi everybody! We’re in our academic quad, in front of [name of alumni robber baron] Hall. At [name of college], we have a [general education, open, or inscrutable higher education buzzword salad] curriculum. But we have fun courses, too, like when my roommate took [Psychology, Philosophy, or Physics] of [AI, marketing, or patriarchal settler colonialism] and [Taylor Swift, sex toys, or Taylor Swift and sex toys].
The People You Meet in Truck Stop Restrooms
Patsy and Butch: Met at a Denny’s two miles down the road from the drug rehab center where they had both been just released; three days later now and they’re engaged to be married and are planning on starting a satanic cult together. And more!
Things to Do in Los Angeles While Waiting for an Insurrection
We hear that 4,800 of you have been bunking in parking lots or government buildings the last couple of days. This spur of the moment trip didn’t even give you enough time to book a hotel room. Sleeping on concrete is hell on your back. There are some cool boutique hotels in the area, however. The Hotel Figuroa has rooms for as low at $175 a night. But with the $134 million dollars of taxpayer money being spent on your visit, why not splurge out? Stay at the Biltmore. Have dinner at Redbird. Maybe lose the tactical gear. Not a good look for an evening of fine dining.
An Open Letter To The Person Who Asked Me What I’m Doing For The Summer As If I Didn’t Have To Work
Summers are for children, college students, and adults who had the foresight to become teachers. It’s also for wealthy freewheeling adults, the kind who make enough money that they scamper off to Lisbon, Patagonia, and Burning Man every June, July, and August, but who somehow also work jobs that don’t mind they are gone most of the summer. Perhaps you have confused me for one of these “fun rich” types. I’m sorry to disappoint, but these multi-colored Tevas on my feet are my attempt to look hip for casual office Fridays, not for cruising the fjords of South America with my polycule.
iPad Baby: You Don’t Get It, I Have to Give My Baby Constant Access to Content Designed to Be as Addictive as Possible Because Otherwise He Might Do Things.
Yes, the WHO recommends against baby screen time. But they simply don’t understand how hard it is to be a parent. When I take away my baby’s iPad, all he does is try to get my phone from me. And I’m obviously not going to limit my own screen time. I’m not a baby, am I?
I’ve Always Had a Very Good Relationship with Dracula, But Something Has Happened to Him
He wasn’t always like this. We go back a long time—fast friends since he was just good old Vlad the Impaler. (A metaphorical nickname, I’m sure, and a pretty cool one. Not that I’m jealous, but why can’t my subjects address me with such a badass title?)
Other Proposed Homeland Security Reality & Game Shows….
King For A Day: Contestants compete in a series of challenges in order to get the chance to spend a day with President Trump. In most cases on a day when there are serious security concerns about the president’s safety at public speaking events.
Substitute Teacher Macho Man Randy Savage Introduces Himself to a Kindergarten Class
Zip your lips and put your listening ears on cause Mr. Macho Man Randy Savage won’t stand for whispers, murmurs, or talking in any hushed tones. It’s the Champion’s prerogative that you pay attention.
New MAGA Flavors from Ben & Jerry’s
White Chocolate Supremacist, Noem Noem Noem Cheesecake, Grab her by the Cookies and Cream…and more!
The Holocaust Museum Was a Powerful, Sobering Experiencing, but I’m Deducting a Star for Lack of Parking Options
So all things considered, I’m giving the Holocaust Museum and Memorial a respectable three and a half stars. Which is a half-star less than the rating I gave to the Applebee’s I’m currently at. (If the Holocaust Museum served dollaritas, I’d give it an extra star.)
Which Vape Flavors Are the Cardinals Using for Smoke Signals this Conclave?
On top of voting in a new Pope, the Cardinals have another very difficult and important decision to make– what vape flavors they will be blowing up the Holy Conclave Chimney. The debate over which vape flavors to pick for the smoke signals can create a highly strained environment in the Sistine Chapel, as the cardinals can pick only TWO flavors for every Conclave. Only two?
Sentence Starters That Will Instantly Improve Your Mansplaining Skills
I see your point, but (let me repeat what you just said and throw in an additional detail that my friend Jeremy heard on a podcast one time that is actually wrong.)
Son of Hollywood Memo I.P. Daily Newsletter
Who Wants to Afford Eggs? New game show where the top prizes are eggs. Not necessarily chicken eggs, but still, eggs.
My Escort Ad
I am very discreet and professional. No one will ever know of our encounter—except maybe my neighbor Devin, who comes over to use my toaster on occasion.
Hus-Band™: The Shock Collar For Wandering Husbands: Rebuilding Trust One Shock at A Time
Key Features: The Hus-Band™ comes with an expandable strap to fit any neck size, and adjustable voltage to match your husband’s level of wandering. Easy to program, it’s also loaded with presets like “roving eye,” which zaps your man when he oggles, “hands off” to avert skin to skin contact, and “zip it up,” which administers what the how-to guide calls a “lights out shock,” dropping him right on down to the floor.
How to Add Gen X Flair to Your Boring Hormone Replacement Therapy Patches
Sketch the original MTV logo on it, Stick a Holly Hobby Colorform to it, Iron-on a patch of Bon Jovi’s face, And more!
Katy Perry’s Adventure in Space
Katy floated in space for 11 minutes, while back on earth, Taylor Swift wrote a new concept album in 10.
Passover-Week Reviews of The White Lotus, Thailand
I know it’s a wellness resort and we were doing Passover, but how is the restaurant Michelin rated if they literally served us bitter herbs for all eight days? The four cups of wine tasted like juiced grapes with ginger. And I swear that shank bone they prepped for us looked too human.
I’m Locked in My Neighbor’s Basement and Can’t Leave Till You Subscribe to This Kid’s Substack
But let me ask you this in return: Is $4.99 really too much to spend on freedom (of speech)? Hasn’t your literary tastes been missing an essential frame in the proverbial (and non-existent) Goodfellas film reel that is your Substack subscriptions?
Welcome to Quantum Banking: Please Set Up Your New Account
Qubits are much more powerful than traditional computer bits. For example, with Qubits, all of our customers’ accounts will be in a state of Quantum “entanglement.” Which means, in the unlikely event your account is hacked, we’ll all feel just terrible.
Internal Post-mortem Report: NatalCon 2025
Root Cause Analysis: Women don’t like us anymore. We have not yet succeeded in spinning “angry, aggressive, Neo-Nazi virgins” as a desirable target. This is a PR problem more than anything else, and it’s one we’re confident we can solve.
Corporations Count as People, and Thanks to A.I., I Am Now a Real Boy
The golf started me thinking about what my Fundlbot body should look like. Based on other tech oligarchs, I want to be built like Superman but with shiny cheeks and poor taste in clothes. As for hair, I am torn between curly, straight, or Lex Luthor, but it should definitely look like we spent no money on it.
Your Annual Wellness Check-up With Your New Doctor, RFK Jr.’s Brain Worm
According to your chart, it seems that you’ve gained a little bit of weight over the last year. Stress eating? Yeah, I get it. Protests, uncertainty, and penicillin make us all nervous. It’s completely normal. I’m going to prescribe you heroin. That should take the edge off.
What Your Favorite Spice Blend Says About Your Personal Brand
Taco Seasoning: You’re everyone’s go-to for a quick pick-me-up text message that usually reads something like, “Margs tonight??? Ayyyy!!!” (Yes, you use at least three exclamation points.) In your mind, Taco Tuesday is basically a sacred holiday. You’re the life of the party, always down to combine random leftover proteins into a “DIY Taco Buffet,” which is 90 percent store-bought salsa and shredded cheese.
DOGE FAQ For Federal Employees Returning to the Office
Question: Will employees be allowed to use scented candles in their offices? Answer: Yes, but the approved scents are patriotism, tobacco, and Coors Light.
Your Work Camp Or Mine? A Guide To Dating In Trump’s Dystopian Future
Holding hands while enjoying one another’s company during a romantic walk is an excellent way to build onto that initial spark of attraction. Of course, don’t wander beyond the perimeter of the electric security gate or camp personnel will have no other choice than to shoot both of you on sight.
Adjusted for Inflation
1969: Six kids in the Brady Bunch Now: 52 kids in the Brady Bunch
Leaked: Donald Trump’s Initial List of Cabinet Picks!
Department of Homeland Security: The Cigarette Smoking Man (X-Files) As head of a shadowy syndicate, the cigarette smoking man certainly knows his way around a bureaucracy bogged down in red tape. Carrying the ignominious nickname ‘Cancer Man,’ he participated in a decade-long cover up that involved preparing Earth for an alien invasion.
Avenue Qanon and 10 Other Trump Themed Musicals to Replace Hamilton at the Kennedy Center
Avenue Qanon, Scamilton, The Lyin’ King, and more!
Meet The Newest Smurfs!
Horny Smurfette: Gets paid to show her Smurf online on her OnlySmurfs account. Most notoriously streamed video of herself Smurfing over a hundred Smurfs.
Joey, Baby, How’s My Favorite President Doing?
Calm down, I’m not saying game shows gotta be your bag. My point is you’ve got the pick of the litter right now. Even Rogan’s people want a piece of the action. You just need to trust me, baby. You’ve got the look and I’ve got the connections.
Your Heaven Welcome Packet. Also, Let Us Explain All The Paintings of Benicio Del Toro
This letter is to give you first a quick overview of what to expect and then, we’ll explain why you might see a lot of humongous murals featuring the actor Benicio Del Toro engaging in cartoonish levels of violence.
The Best Way to Improve Government Efficiency is More Email
Why am I, a private citizen, recommending federal personnel actions on social media? How am I literally running the entire government right now? The answer to all of those questions is that hundreds of elected officials are just straight up letting me. I honestly did not think it would be this easy.
The Master Criminal
My criminal career can never be derailed, because I am always careful. For example, when I housesit, I steal money. However, I only take small amounts. This morning, a wealthy friend let me watch his home and feed his purebred Sphynx cat while he was on vacation. I saw that he had left a $100 bill out on his bureau. I refused to get greedy and swipe the whole $100. Instead, I pocketed the bill and left $82.74 in small bills and change in its place.
I’m Staying At The El Dorado
I see you nursing that drink, and it feels like fate. How about we blow this juke joint and head on over that way? Don’t get me wrong—this bar has its charm, but it ain’t the El Dorado… Picture this: you, me, a bottle of wine… up on the rooftop, where no one’s been stabbed for weeks.
We’re Sun Chips, And The USDA Said We Can Be Called Vegetables
HI YUP! Honest to god, good ol’ fashioned vegetables. A single rumpled bag of Harvest Cheddar you forgot about find in the bottom of your work bag can now be sold as actual, real chow. And you won’t know the difference! Well, you might by the taste, calories and saturated fat but TRUST US, you are eating a vegetable.
A History of Reality TV Programs Developed By Mattel, The Makers of UNO
Next month on CBS, the storm has cleared and six of the hunkiest men you’ve ever seen are dropped off onto UNO island where they’ll compete to find last season’s missing hunks. Rescued contestants get dealt in to the finale game of UNO, but only one will leave with the Wild Card Queen (as long as she is also found).
Will Your Child be Sent Home From Preschool Today? A (Snot) Color Guide
YELLOW WITH SPOTS: Obviously your child is unable to attend school for the rest of the week, but Sally’s mom has asked us to remind you to drop off 50 dairy-free, nut-free, funfetti-free cupcakes for the winter fundraiser on Thursday between 10:49 AM – 11:07 AM.
RFK Jr.’s Natural Remedies to Replace Antidepressants
Nudie Mags: This is a shame-free spirit-booster for people with quirks like indulging in their PMS. My favorite videos feature lady librarians with nerd glasses flipping through library books, tearing out the pages one by one, and eating them whole.
True Crime Podcasts Recommended By Your Mom’s Friend Janet
A Dark Reckoning: One of the investigators sounds just like your brother Thomas. The same inflections and everything! Tell him that I said hi when you see him, is he still seeing that one girl?
In Honor of Martin Luther King Jr., We’re Dismantling Federal Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion
We’re not killing Dr. King’s dream, we’re just removing the problem entirely from our line of sight so that it no longer exists. Not seeing color isn’t racism repackaged, it’s true equality.
The Next 10 Air Bud Movies
Air Bud NASCAR: Need for Breed
Brand New Sexual Bases For The Age Of OnlyFans
10th Base: Teaching your crab lice to make their own OnlyFans account to help pay for groceries and other household expenses.
Driving Directions to My Place Way Out in the Sticks
This is grasshopper country, so roll your windows up tight. They’ll drop their eggs right into the passenger compartment of a speeding car and onto your lap. I’ve seen it too many times.
I’m a Popcorn Bowl NOT a Throw-Up Bowl
Hey, Greg. No, you’re not hallucinating; it’s me, your popcorn bowl. I know we don’t normally do this, but I don’t know how much time we have, so I’d appreciate it if you listen to what I have to say. Greg, I am a popcorn bowl. That means I hold popcorn, not throw up.
The New Astrology: You Are A Combination of Two of These Five Pillars
Spongebob Squarepants = Risky / Whimsy – Lives in a pineapple under the effing sea, positive and lighthearted, isn’t scared of getting stung by jellyfish, probably doesn’t have health insurance or a 401K (Mr. Krabs would never provide employee benefits)
