Take them to a mirror to show them the new self-love affirmations you learned on the Calm app. You go: “I am [Your name] and I am enough.” Now their turn! What a sucker! (For revealing their name, not for doing the affirmations. That shit works.)

I couldn't believe how fast the trip went = It was the longest two weeks of my life.

Teaching the servers to scoop just the right amount, dropping it in just the right spot on the lettuce, which, in turn, is centered in just the right spot on the toast – all this is difficult, which is why people come to Nothing But Egg Salad, the nation’s number one spot for egg salad sandwiches. 

Thursday 3:33 pm: I keep seeing people post night footage of strangers checking to see if car doors are open.  Why doesn’t anyone try the doors on my ’95 Chevrolet Cavalier?  I’ve even left the keys in it.

You’re pounding down tater skins. Bubblin’ bacon bits going down easy as you watch b-ball on the big screen. It’s TGI Fridays, baby, and 2 pm is tater-skins-o-clock, but you ain’t buying this round, cuz Benjamin Franklin’s got his purse out and he’s slanging those doubloons.

Social Climbing, Coattail Riding, Polo (Wearing) and more!

Toddler: Speak the first, most important, and only words any female should ever use: “Yes, Father.” Take care of dolls and prepare fake meals in a plastic kitchen. Be a good girl and bring Father another real beer.

Foiled Again. Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein.

I knew the whole “turn Black” thing was a winner. And demanding that someone “look into” Kamala’s ethnicity? That’s some 2015-era birtherism right there. Tried and true. And viola. We’re back in business, baby.

Price Pivot. Today's cartoon by Amanda Chung & Vin Coca.

Please do not display your voodoo doll with your Beanie Babies; it’s just insulting.

Out, but what does that mean? Sun interference, but you still blame yourself, Home run, but it still doesn’t leave you fulfilled. And more!

The role:  Friend.  Bring your A-game, as this could be the gig of a lifetime for you.  Literally. The casting directors:  My husband Rusty and myself, aiming to prove that it is possible to make new friends after the age of 40. The setting:  Our kitchen table. (Excerpts from the directors’ notes follow.)

Air Traffic Controller: Take a Power Nap While The Planes Fly: Sleep is imperative to functioning during the work day. And let’s be honest, the planes pretty much fly themselves these days, right? In such a high-stress job, you deserve to get some shut eye so that you can power through the rest of your shift before the door of the Boeing plane flies off.

In the future, your phone, your car, and your talking sex machine, will all speak to you in the tender-yet-bro-ish tones of Chris Pratt. Every syllable of every language will be recorded meticulously by Pratt allowing AI developers to design models of Chris Pratt’s voice for limitless uses around the globe.

I know you advocate downsizing as the path to joy. Then you will be happy to know, I am currently living above my friend Mark’s garage, sleeping on an inflatable mattress. Please note there is no clutter on the nightstand. There is no nightstand.

As we wind down this academic year, we reflect how we’ve overcome – maybe how we’ve thrived – since our opening day in August and “The Incident.” In case you don’t recall, The Incident, simply put, was the failing of the newly implemented Washburn County Public School Bus pickups and drop offs on the first day of school, August 9th...

Alice's Activism in Wonderland: Upon witnessing the Red Queen’s abuse of capital punishment, Alice’s disillusionment with the monarchy only grows as she encounters the populous of Wonderland falling into unhealthy coping mechanisms, drug use, and addiction in an attempt to distract from a tyrannical, “colorblind” head of state. Alice takes matters into her own hands to usurp the powers-that-be and help everyone get on the Caterpillar’s level with some solid smoke.

CHAINSAWS ARE NOT PLAYTHINGS! We know that you’ve got a whole workbench and set of tools in the garage that you’re finally getting around to using because you realize the cost of hiring professionals is outlandishly expensive.

Q: If you had one piece of advice for making a great Seder, what would it be? A: Dude, it’s in the title. Don’t bring up Israel.

Draoug (noun) - One handful of beer. Könbleiben (noun) - The realization that you no longer fit into your lederhosen due to one too many draougen. And more!

Look at yourself in the mirror. There’s pubic hair everywhere, there’s black mold in the grout, and the water’s rising because of a clog. You deserve a better kind of body bathing during the month of April. You need…a bath.

The Health app becomes overly concerned about your well-being and starts diagnosing you with rare diseases based on your daily step count. And more!

As I handle mementos around my house, they bring up recollections from many years ago. The movie-ticket stub that I found and fished out of a public garbage can. The program from a play that I found and fished out of a public garbage can. The public garbage can that I carried home in case anything else interesting was in there. Now I use it to store my mementos.

Wake up, me! Stop dreaming and look alive! This is my moment. I see Them, their gloved fingers a crescendo of taps on the buttons above me, entering those precious numbers and letters that bring me to life, infused with the joy of guiding others to their sacred destination.

Just a little poop on my jacket, it’ll wash right off. These…

Well, well, well, it seems I’ve finally gotten my 17ish minutes of fame, hovering juuuust at the bottom of the frame while ol’ Mama Bear vocal-fried up a hot platter of American Carnage Lite for the public. And let me tell you, as the surface upon which Katie has served that dinner she worries about at 2am for longer than I like to admit: what you all saw tonight is just the tip of the straitjacket. 

CPAC-Man: You're CPAC-Man, darting around the maze-like corridors of CPAC, gobbling up donor funds and seedy political favors while also trying to avoid Nazis who have made themselves cozy at the convention.    Keep an eye out for those guys, they're sneaky; before you know it photos of you standing right next to a Nazi salute could be a trending story on MSNBC, which could end your game!    Ah, who're we kidding?   No one on the conservative side will care about that kind of thing anyway.   This game has endless lives.

Beer Yoga: Nothing wrong with a little hair of the downward dog. You risk getting too woo-woo at these spiritual thingies unless you bring a couple cold Bud Lights to bring you back down to your Midwestern roots. Plus, the booze will deffo give you the extra confidence boost to hit that headstand at the end of class while all the other losers are laying down for that dumb sleeping part. If you can’t find a Beer Yoga class listed in your area, you can always bring a forty in a brown bag to the free park yoga class nearest you. I don’t see why everyone wouldn’t be chill with that.

Why did the fisherman's wife whittle his oar into a realistic shaped dildo? She wanted to finally have an oar-gasm!

ConnectThor: Broadcasting from the same bedroom he's had since the fifth grade, middle aged cosplay enthusiast Jacob dresses like Thor and challenges viewers to a game of Connect Four.    Games typically devolve into fans placing bets as to how many Connect Four pieces Jacob can stuff into his own bottom.

You want me to “talk?” What’s next, I have to sing and dance? Choreograph an original musical number based on the events of my life up to this point? And then what? Novelize? Monetize? Record a best-selling audio book, foreword by Peter Bogdanovich? Adapt it for the silver screen and audition for the role of myself? Practice being myself in the mirror so I can really nail it? Is that what you want? Huh?

The Swifties are cloned from a single teenage girl who traveled to our time from Jan 6th, 7008.    On this date in the future, the 28,532nd insurrection against the capital was attempted by TrumpBot and his legion of mutant followers.    In desperation, members of the non-mutant community sent this teenage girl back in time to influence the early actions of the future President Swift.

Riding me is one thing, but when people want to disclose their most depraved thoughts I’m like, “Whoa whoa whoa! Maybe we should get to know each other a bit first!”

1960s: Americans too busy smoking cigarettes to drink water. Think about it– unless you had two mouths, you couldn’t do both at the same time. Doctors were more concerned with people smoking the right brand of cancer sticks to curb their dessert appetite after dinner than letting folks in on the benefits of drinking a glass of simple H20.

Barf bag that magically transforms vomit into fresh microwave popcorn. And more!

Our superintendent is more than pleased with our decision, stating that our school’s new name will make it perfectly clear that any discrimination in the halls of Robert E. Lee Was Bad is bad. We hope that the community also recognizes that absolutely no hate or prejudice at Robert E. Lee Was Bad is good. It’s bad.

Cut It Out. Today's cartoon by Sarah Morrissette.

Telemachus, Prednisone, Locaid and more!

Our yearly countdown of the years best numbers. You won't believe number 1!

Midnight Snack: 14 slices bread, preferably stale white, 1 cup Miracle Whip, 15 slices Oscar Mayer bologna, 8 slices American cheese - While the bread is toasting, go into a reverie about how you lost your one chance for love and now pass each day, each night alone, until one day everyone who would remember you is dead and you shuffle painfully on two scraping knee joints, your world reduced to one room where you will die alone, unloved, unnoticed.

Mistletoes: similar to athlete's foot, an infection caused by wearing stockings not hung with care. It can be easily treated with a medicated tannen-balm.

The day started off on the wrong hoof. I left the barn late, Dunkin put my sister’s milk in my coffee, and by the time I made it to the Metuchen NJ Transit station, the only seats left were those skinny little benches between cars. Those seats barely fit toddlers, let alone adults, let alone a 1,500 kilogram bull. 

Murder on the Polar Express: The kids are forced to solve the murder of Mr. Conductor with the help of Hercule Poirot, who just happens to be on the train.

Elf On A MILF; Stepmom Into Christmas, I Came Upon A Midnight Rear; Noggy Style- And more!

My friend said by the time he got his degree, he had partied so much that he wasn’t even sure what he’d majored in. Upon getting his diploma at graduation, he learned that he had actually obtained a BA in partying.

No more mentions of a "witch hunt", as many Trump followers believe in actual witches, and the continued repetition of the phrase really frightens them.