This, finally, is the maximum Barbie branding saturation you have been waiting for.

Notification #5: Your package finally arrived at the sorting facility Justin, a third-generation Teamster, is now sorting your package, but he only gets a five-minute break once every four hours, so he might “make a mistake”. And when you deliver 18.7 million packages domestically each day, they can’t all be winners. 

Why did you go to dinner at Applebee’s? That’s something I kept asking myself during the dinner itself. I suppose the easiest answer is guilt. I hadn’t seen my mom in a while, and she asked if I wanted to grab dinner “somewhere nice,” which I took to mean like a steakhouse or something.

Amazon, you're one of the wealthiest entities on Earth, and after a nice pizza dinner, your Choice is to save a large slice of hand-tossed pepperoni in a clear triangular sleeve around your neck before going about your business like nothing is amiss.

Pride Parade Float Is Set On Fire : We here at [cabal of billionaires/actual power behind the government] are [saddened/overjoyed] to hear about the [tragic/wonderful] events that took place at the recent Pride parade.

Point Break: FBI rookie Johnny Utah is tasked with catching a group of masked thieves who rob Kohl’s cashiers at gunpoint for all the Kohl’s Cash in their drawers, plus some checkout line chocolate. Utah learns the bandits are surfers and they have been robbing Kohl’s Cash so they can buy sick surfing graphic tees.

Baroquing and Entering, The Delinquintet, Treblemakers, and more!

You’ve given up, haven’t you? Look, it’s only a game and I’m a rapidly advancing AI programmed to solve this puzzle in four turns or less practically every day. If my feedback comes across as patronizing, I sincerely apologize. I’m not bad, I’m just written that way! No? Nothing? Like I said, humor is tough, but secondhand depression is more palpable. One more turn.  

SURREY, ENGLAND – 1502 A.D. I’ve been sitting on this news (heh) for weeks, but I’m thrilled to finally announce that I’ll be joining Richmond Palace as King Henry VII’s new Groom of the Stool! I’m a HUGE fan of the king’s small intestine, and I can’t wait to sit across from him and pick his brain while his legendary guts do their thing. Other than being a Tudor, he’s totally self-made. I’m kind of stoolstruck, tbh.

Teeth: And I can’t believe how stupid you are. I mean, it’s not like you have any practice with this whole eating process. We’ve only been doing it for - oh, I don’t know - our whole lives! Tongue: Gross, all I can taste is blood. Ow, that stings.

All the weight you’ve ever lost: Seventeen pounds through Weight Watchers, eight pounds through Noom, thirty pounds from a low-carb diet, three pounds from Covid, and six from a smoothie fast—all the fat you’ve lost over the decades is back. It has congealed into a half-ton quivering mass that oozes toward you, dead set on a reunion.

Place the money at the end of an elaborate treasure hunt. The ideal treasure hunt should take at least fifty years to solve, enabling the value of the cash to appreciate due to the mystery surrounding it.

Large portions of the Bible no longer make very much sense. Rebel flag in the front yard is now hot pink and purple rather than red and blue. VHS tape of Legally Blonde 2 obviously watched but not rewound. And more!

I made a documentary about you with your family and friends. Oh, the documentary turned out so well that Netflix acquired the streaming rights.

'Cancel Cancel Culture: Canceling Cancelation', 'Me First and You Maybe', 'My Pride and My Prejudice', and more!

If you’re hanging out with Jewish friends around sundown during the week of Hanukkah, and you say something like ‘the history of Jewish suffering is overrated,” you’re both lighting and gaslighting. 

See you in 15-20. Today's cartoon by Drew Panckeri.

This episode of Talkward welcomes Amy Fusselman, author of the new novel 'The Means' which follows the character Shelly Means and her hilarious quest to own a beach house in the Hamptons. Shipping containers, talking dogs, anger management classes, and vision boards make up this very funny book. Follow her @amyfusselman and http://amyfusselman.com

Just as I begin to feel at peace with my impending death, I think about the turkey that the president is pardoning tomorrow. It isn’t fair. I don’t even know who it is yet, but it isn’t fair. If it’s Marvin and his ball sack-looking ass neck I’m gonna scream.

Before you publicly announce your intention to purchase this long standing social media site please be sure of the following: Log onto Twitter and ask yourself, "Do I want this?" I mean it. Open Twitter and actually say out loud, "Do I want to be the owner of this nightmare?"

Who takes a cute little box with a face and limbs and rips him open to insert poop? I’ll tell you who–people with problems. Which is why I’m now equipped to tell you what’s wrong with your personality. And believe me, there is something wrong with you. You’re pooping in a box.

Your purpose isn’t to please your parents. It’s to find your own bliss, whether that comes from bar trivia, travel to destinations that allow you to bring your dog, or covering my rent once I’m too old to work but haven’t amassed a large enough 401(k) to last through retirement.

Now that there’s a huge pumpkin head walking around your house - meals are going to be a little trickier than normal. If however you eat all of your meals alone while hiding in a closet then please, skip this step. Food is going to be a problem because your lover has no way of eating it - she just has three goofy teeth and no jaw motion whatsoever.

Just for fun, I post my social security number on Reddit. I change all my passwords to “whatever,” and my security questions to Highlights Magazine word-searches. I change my political affiliation to “undecided, seeking suggestions.” I start trials on every streaming service, even fake ones like Paramount+. Like an unsupervised child, I allow any and all cookies. I haven’t cleared my cache in weeks and yet, mentally, I’ve never been clearer. Instead of URL I see “You are loved.”

Paint a Pretty Picture: Describe the people in your life as more attractive than they are. A good-looking cast begets a good, listening therapist. Vividly detail stunning features, exotic locales, and witty repartee. Consider giving your characters catchphrases. For example: “Now that’s what I call a doughnut, volume cake!” It makes sense in context.

Key Lyme Disease Pie, Carrot Top Cake, S'ores, and more!

That is why we’ve developed a new series, For Dummies By Dummies ®.  In each For Dummies By Dummies ® book, we have real, unqualified lay people posing as experts writing to other real, unqualified lay people in a way that is both relatable and completely unreliable. Join us in celebrating some of our newest titles!

Do you ever feel like you had a specific purpose in life, but then you were called to do something different? And it doesn’t feel right? Recently I was visiting my cousin, Ball, who’s been upcycled as a trendy, country-chic soap dispenser. He never knew he was going to become a trendy, country-chic soap dispenser, but he said he feels like his life is full.

This episode features the very talented comedy writer and TV producer Craig Thomas! Craig is the co-creator, executive producer, and writer of “How I Met Your Mother,” which received 30 Emmy Award nominations in its nine-season run. Before that he wrote for 'The Late Show with David Letterman' and 'American Dad!'. Craig is also an accomplished musician and songwriter! Most recently his prose has been published in The New Yorker, McSweeney’s, Weekly Humorist and soon, The Iowa Review. Follow him on twitter at @HIMYMCraig

“Internet trolls” need better PR. Our slogan should be something like: Providing A Pro-Bono Reality Check One Comment at a Time! Because, contrary to popular opinion, we don’t muck up the  internet. We nudge people to their senses.

I am Eloise. I am twenty-nine. I am an adult (ish). I STILL live at The Plaza. I know it’s not as cool to live in Midtown anymore. But my mom refuses to buy me a loft in DUMBO. Which is RAWTHER frustrating! So here I am living amongst tourists, tourists, tourists!

Let’s start with hiring history professors who, unlike Professor Binns, happen to be alive. All the other ghosts at Hogwarts are either house mascots or dead students, and it’s unconscionable that we still employ a ghost to teach the humanities while Defense Against the Dark Arts, whose faculty have included a Voldemort-denier and a parasitic host for Voldemort himself, seems to get a new – breathing – teacher annually.

Hot Boxing, Ping Bong, Kentucky Doobie, and more #PotSports on this week's trending joke game!

Associate Justice Neil Gorsuch: Remember to give thanks to the Lord God Himself! Since separation of church and state is no longer a thing, gather your guests of various faiths, or lack thereof, and lead them in a Christian-centric Grace. If a coach can do this on the football field of a public school, what’s stopping you from mandating it in your backyard? If you don’t, we’ll do it for you!

Now tell me: Would you do anything to bring your friend or loved one back? If so, say “BARGAINING”. You can also say, “I’M STILL ANGRY” or throw your phone out the window. / Bargaining. / Sounds like you’re currently in a state of BARGAINING. Would you like to hear about exclusive travel deals from our sponsors? / No. / Got it. We’ll still text you with those offers after this call...

With heat and water to mortals given - / But their electricity, without Verizon/ MUST YOU REALLY NEED THAT DOG OR CAT?/ As ample storage a plenty, uncommon as is/ Trade thy Australian Shephard for stainless steel appliances 

Not sure why but I’ve transformed into a giant insect (see pictures attached). I tried sleeping it off but that didn’t seem to work. Rest assured though I am working hard to figure this out so that it doesn’t affect my job performance. I’m getting better at controlling the mobility of all these legs, so I can still dial into the 10am...

"One minute I’m resting peacefully and now I’m dropped here without explanation. And I really don’t know why you keep giving me children. It’s not a good idea to hand your children to someone you just met. Do you understand me? I don’t know what’s happening right now. What is the train schedule? I need to leave. I don’t want to be here.”

Atlas Shrugged: Overachiever: Everything. It’s your favorite book, in a really annoying way.  Average:  Not much. You haven’t thought about the book since high school. Terrible: Nothing. You also say it’s your favorite book in a really annoying way.

Snaked and drained. Today's cartoon by Lynn Hsu.

Just scratching the surface. Today's cartoon by Steve Daugherty.

“I don’t remember those little black specks being there yesterday.” Filter Time: 1–8 Weeks Comments: If we’re being honest, we’re not sure what those black specks are either, but the water still tastes generally the same. Should I change it?: Meh? We’re pretty sure* that they’re minerals and not harmful if consumed. *Legally we must advise you not to consume the specks.

How long should I take ColonBroom? The feeling when I poop is nothing but the purest form of euphoria and triumph. Like Moses parting the Red Sea and leading his people out of Egypt. Like the Achaeans pouring out of the wooden horse and enveloping the streets of Troy. That moment on the brink of life and death, that point of no return when you’re still extremely nauseous from giving rectal birth to a pound of raw broccoli, but already thinking about the leftover burrito in the fridge. 

I would never place an item in the bagging area without scanning it. Even if I wave it over the barcode reader and it doesn’t read, I would never place it in the bagging area or my pocket. I would simply ask for assistance, wait my turn as other honest patrons are served, and then explain to the worker that the baby formula says it’s twice as much as it used to be and there must be some kind of mistake. 

Why have more than one door when you’ll never leave? This is the paradise you thought was only for other people! Every exquisite feature of this bespoke property reflects your public record. Constructed by Unhallowed Homes and occasionally materializing near Cancun...

Mountain of Regret Pose: While seated, hug knees to your chest and drop your head into your legs, so that your shadow resembles a mountain. Hold it there as a way of drowning out the sounds of all your poor life choices surrounding you. Many prefer an alcoholic beverage to enhance the effects of the Mountain of Regret pose, but please exercise moderation, or you will find yourself stuck in this pose indefinitely.

Ripe avocados, A glimpse of Susan Collins’ spine, Skinny jeans that fit after 40, and more!

This is an action seeking behavior modification and redress for damages from relentless and cumulative incidents of age discrimination. Plaintiff alleges James “Jimmy” Decker, 37; Mike “Groggy” Boulheim 35; and Geoff “Zippo” Rinaldi, 38 (“The Guys”), have treated Plaintiff differently since his 40th birthday, regarding his opinions and cultural references as “outdated and irrelevant.”