Posts

CARTOON: Nosepicker

Feels like a bulbous honker day, don't you agree? Today's cartoon by Rich Sparks.

Truly Terrible TV/Movie Pitches

Bachelord Of The Rings: Lord Of The Rings cosplay enthusiasts vie for the romantic attention of a beautiful model, who spends the better portion of the season pushing heavy furniture in order to block her dressing room door.

In Your Freakin’ Face! I Got Raptured!

Well, this was my revenge plan all along, you dingus! I knew if I kept the faith while you bullied me on earth, I’d get to spend an eternity rubbing it in your face while you got tortured by demons! I’ve always focused way more on the wrath part of Christianity than on the forgiveness part.

CARTOON: DIY

First lesson free. Today's cartoon by John Reynolds.

Hi, I’m the Toilet in the Back of Your Mirror Selfie—You Can See Me, Right?

If you absolutely needed a full-body pic (I get it, I like to show off my full tank every once in a while too), you have a full-length mirror in your room. Your cute room, where there’s sexier background items like your unmade bed, your chaise lounge with all your dirty clothes thrown on it, your dying plants. It screams sex appeal!

Chutes and Ladders: Vaccine Edition

To play: On your turn, spin the spinner and move your pawn, square by square, until you reach the final square, where you will receive your Covid-19 vaccine at your local fairgrounds. Throughout the game, try your best to jump the line by landing on ladders and avoiding pitfalls that will send you spiraling down chutes, relegating you to additional days, months, and maybe years of pandemic depression. 

The Daily Mail: Discomfort With Our Centuries-Old Breeding Program a Sign of Poor Breeding

We stand by our journalistic integrity. We have plumbed the depths to identify why the divorced, American commoner who married into the curated gene pool of our ceremonial oligarchy is so “grating.” Thus far, our reporting suggests that the Duchess of Sussex is “not the right sort,”

Getting the Most out of Your Haunted Mirror

The reflection of a haunted mirror is often an actual parallel dimension, and given half a chance an inhabitant of that dimension will attempt to possess and replace you at the first opportunity. This of course would leave you trapped in the mirror dimension, but so what? Who couldn't use a rest from the problems and responsibilities of their normal, daily routine? Just make sure that the reflection contains a nice, comfy bed, a tv and your bong. Now you're all set for the ultimate staycation!

CARTOON: Medical Averages

Recommendation Ratios. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

You Don't Actually Understand Gaslighting

I can understand how you would get confused. “Gaslighting” gets thrown around so much these days that it can feel like it’s lost all meaning. But it is pretty strange that you keep saying you know what it means when everybody else disagrees with you. Literally everyone. I asked all of them.

Glowing Hotel Reviews From Bedbugs

Trump Tower, New York, NY - [5 stars] Trump Tower was a home away from home! The satin sheets had a surprisingly low thread count, but that just meant more holes for me and my family to crawl through and feast on unsuspecting prey. I was pregnant during our stay, and my bed was so comfortable that I actually gave birth to my 500 children right under the covers! Would absolutely come again.

Introducing Giggle, the Search Engine for Determining if You Came up With a Joke or Unwittingly Ripped It off

'When Peter Gabriel left the band Genesis, why didn’t they change their name to Exodus?' Good one! That has potential niche value, bridging the gap between fans of Genesis’s early prog years and people who are at least vaguely familiar with the first few books of the bible (or the Pentateuch, depending on their religion). You may have an original joke on your hands. But for a little peace of mind, let our state of the art machine learning assistant double check that for you. The Giggle search engine has returned just one result:

Introducing “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Better!”

With 100% less substance than actual efforts to make things better, the sentiment “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Better!” is the rich new way to respond to your recent decisions. For example, let’s say you choose to spread a succulent deception. What can you possibly say about the unsavory behavior of some who consume it? That's easy. “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Better!”

CARTOON: Instagrim

Pics or it didn't happen. Today's cartoon by Dave Whamond.

Trump “Will Return in Some Form”

A fly, Lo-Flo Toilet, A Bad Smell, Mitch McConnell's Hemorrhoid Pillow, and other manifestations Trump might return as.

CARTOON: Password

Have that same combination on my luggage! Today's cartoon by Jake Goldwasser.

Lost Dr. Seuss Book: Fox in Socks 2: A Descent Into Madness- Much Worse Then The Others!

If they're struggling with the drugs while they're chugging from a bottle, And they hide drugs up their buttholes just to get across the border, That's a druggy chugging wuggle buggle bottle butthole border struggle.

Welcome to Your Pandemic Airbnb Rental

We invite you to help yourself to the small collection of books in the living room. While the sampling of Danielle Steele and Bill O’Reilly’s Culture Warrior may cause you to roll your eyes and deduce that we are backwards idiots, please know we have made similar assumptions about you based upon your Vampire Weekend t-shirts and many cases of flavored seltzer.

Home Depot’s Updated In-Store Bird Policy

Thank you for choosing Home Depot, where doers get more done.…

#BarfyBooks

The Great Gagsby, Brave New Hurl, Stephen King’s VomIT, and more #BarfyBooks on this week's trending joke game!

Is Your Writing Career Fledgling, Emerging or Buried Under Ground Like a Lost Treasure?

If you want some help, take this quiz to find out where your career stands.

CARTOON: Bullish

Cancel Cattle Culture? Today's cartoon by Vaughan Tomlinson.

Errands I'm Going to Run While I Wait for My Covid Test Results

On my way back from the gym, I’ll quickly pop into the grocery store, butcher, fish shop, bakery, a nail salon, and a real estate office to see about taking some apartment tours in the next few days. Rent prices are actually pretty good right now for some reason, so I’m going to set up 7-9 tours for the next few days. Want to get them done in case I actually do have Covid, haha (unlikely, I’ve been so careful, especially when I was in Mexico).

People You Really Don’t Want to Hear Say, “I’m Not a Magician”

The plumber, The loan officer, The financial advisor when you plead with her to find a way to replenish your daughter's college fund. And More!

CARTOON: Bumped

No more talking to the hand? Today's cartoon by Meg Richardson.

Q & Anon- Top Questions From QAnon's Website FAQ

Q: Is wiping front to back is the work of Satan and his minions (ie, Liberals). A: If you're wiping at all, you're several steps ahead than the vast majority of our members.

Despite the Fact That I Personally Orchestrated His Release From Arkham Asylum, It Is Not My Responsibility as Mayor of Gotham City to Protect Citizens From Mr. Freeze

Only the strong who have a $50,000 backup generator in their basement will survive. The weak (poor), who do not have a $50,000 backup generator that has been specially programmed to be resistant to the cryogenics of Mr. Freeze will ultimately perish. Don’t blame me, blame your elected officials. No, not me. Your other elected officials. 

Pandemic Looks for Fashion Week

Trendy vaccinations are taking the world by storm. If you’ve got it, this fringe will flaunt it.

Moments from Post-Presidential Comedy Careers

John F. Kennedy: Seinfeld-type Comic: Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask what’s the deal with the Bay of Pigs? 

Who Said It: Theodore Roosevelt or Theodore Roosevelt from Night At The Museum? 

“Bodily vigor is good, and vigor of intellect is even better, but far above both is character.” 2. “A great democracy has got to be progressive, or it will soon cease to be neither great nor a democracy.” 3. “I’m made of wax, Larry.”

A Memo from Cupid: Changes to Valentine Season

Collazac for Countenance: This innovative arrow delivers a double-dose of collagen and Prozac, designed to fix sad wrinkly faces that have persisted beyond 2020. Your target will be able to put on a happy face even living with the troubling news that The Masked Singer is now getting spin-offs.

Valentine’s Day Has Lost Its Original Purpose: Raw Dogging (By: St. Valentine)

But this year doesn’t have to be ruled by Hallmark, a stuffed animal, or a candy organ. The only organ we should be celebrating is the one without a condom going in and out of a lover or even better, a stranger.

#LustyLunches

Humplings, Legs Benedict, Flirt Steak, and more #LustyLunches on this week's trending joke game!

I, An Instagram Influencer, Say This Luxury Garbage Bag Poncho Is 100% A Necessity And You Must Buy It

So the poncho is $8,000, which daddy would say is too much, but daddy doesn’t know fashion and I do, so listen to me.

Introducing Sedition, a New Hallmark Greeting Card Line!

Thank you, High School Friend. Thanks for changing the subject when we get dangerously close to discussing current events. I appreciate the reminder to avoid hot-button topics, such as, How are you doing?

CARTOON: IQAnon Test

And all we see is crazy. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

Human Resource Emails Sent to James Bond

Hi everyone. I didn’t want to single anyone out, but it has come to my attention that some agents have been intimate with clients, and targets, and targets’ widows. This is just a reminder that someone cannot consent if they are afraid for their life. I have attached the code of conduct.

Rejected Buzzfeed Questions

Between Zesty Blood Orange, Ginger Lime, Feisty Cherry Or Twisty Mango, Which New Diet Coke Flavor Would Be Your Stripper Name? And more!

CARTOON: Prohibited Produce

Don't even think about it, unless you have a coupon.

So, Honey, I Might Have Accidentally Drunk-bought Some GameStop Stock

No, no, you’re right, of course. Let me see if I can retrace my steps and figure out exactly how I bought in so I can… un-buy in? Whatever you call it. Unless we want to hold onto it and see how high it goes before it crashes? Ow! Ok, you’re right, but you didn’t have to smack me.

3 Restaurant Concepts Built to Last Through the Winter of Covid-19

1. SNØRDNØRT: Inspired by Norwegian cuisine and culture, this outdoor-only dining destination welcomes the winter. “Of course it’s going to be cold outside. And dark.” SNØRDNØRT also employs a paramedic on-site, to tell you when you have legit developed frostbite and need to leave.

Your Favorite Orders on Timeless, the Time-Travel Food-Delivery Service

Recession Special from the Greenwich Village Gray’s Papaya, 2002: Our courier will bring you two hot dogs and a “banana daiquiri” drink whose taste is scarcely even related to banana. It won't be spoiled; he picked it up from 2002 five minutes ago, then jumped into his time-traveling Chevrolet Impala.

My January Exercise Journal With My New Workout Mirror!

Jan 5th: Did my first workout today. Phew, it’s hard to keep up with the instructor (a super smiley and toned gal named Holly) during all those thigh busting pop squats. She really understands what motivates me, like when she yells, “Every step you take gets me closer to FREEDOM!” She must know I love helping people.

Melania Trump’s Letter to Jill Biden

You have big stilettos to fill, for I was the greatest First Lady in the history of the United States. No other First Lady, both past and future, has even been or will ever be as good as me at avoiding the three evils: listening, caring, and working. 

CARTOON: Read Between The Lines

Decoding. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

Illustrated List: Baskets, Ranked

Easter Basket, Keister Basket, and more! (Who you calling a basket case?!)

Why I, A Rat, Won’t Tolerate One More Day on This Sinking Ship

And here we are. I don’t like to use the word hero (though I’m sure I will, many times, when I write my memoirs). I’m just a simple rat who knows right for wrong when I see it. And then, someday, after years of consideration, I finally choose to listen to the searing fires of my burning conscience. It’s what any good, patriotic rat would do.

Punishing Trump With AddenDUMBS To The 25th Amendment

25 B-7: Trump forced to live in a run-down condo with son Eric as a roommate, for a minimum of no less than seven years. 25 J-7: Louie Anderson to portray Trump in any / all future tell-all movies (this will drive Trump crazy!!). 25 N-2: The McRib? Gone forever, never to return. And more!

New Year's Resolutions From 2020 That Aged So Poorly

Sell that treadmill, join a gym! Divest in Zoom, Invest in United Airlines, Open-mouth kiss a stranger on the subway, and more!

Children’s Books in the Time of COVID

Charlotte’s Web of Coronavirus Conspiracy Theories, How to Train Your Dragon to Eat Anti-Maskers, The Very Hungry Caterpillar Has Been Less Interested in Eating Since Losing His Sense of Smell, and more.

#BreakfastAMovie

The French Toast Connection, Romancing the Scone, Scream! Of Wheat, and more #BreakfastAMovie on this week's trending joke game!

In Loving Memory

Charity Case was born in 1942 in Kansas City, to Albert and Sue Greenberg. She was a pillar of strength and kindness in the community. A doting mother, she is survived by two wonderful sons, Head Case and Basket Case, and a beautiful daughter, Vanity Case.

CARTOON: Clean Slate

For the gulls. Today's cartoons by Bob Eckstein.

I Sure Picked the Right Year to Get Trapped in this Luscious 18th Century Armoire

The situation wasn’t ideal, but then again I didn’t have to pretend that a Zoom happy hour was a fulfilling experience. I’ll stick with projecting personalities onto the handful of winter coats I own, thank you very much. 

Memo from the Office of the Vice Chancellor of the Lizard Overlord Project to the Costuming Department

And what is going on with Bill Barr’s facial unit?  The prototype we were shown had a full range of mobility and expression.  The unit in the field now has become the target of ridicule and given rise to unwelcome notoriety through slurs like “Resting Bill Barr Face” and “Attorney General Grumpy Cat”.

The Dystopian Holiday Gift Catalog

Virtual Fam Holographic Family Projector- $575.99 : Not able to see your relatives this holiday? Virtual Fam’s got you covered. Our new holographic projector creates 3D simulations of various family members, ranging from grandparents and godparents to nephews, nieces and in-laws. We make sure to project each individual’s best qualities, while deleting the more troublesome parts of their personalities.

BOOK EXCERPT: Slouchers: The Novelization

But Wes is a Gen X’er.   And Gen X’ers take matters into their own hands! The term “Gen X” was coined in 1991 by writer and “Baby Boomer” Douglas Coupland.   “Baby Boomer” is another important sociological term, this one coined years ago by a writer from the “Greatest Generation.”   Before that, no generations—at least with any marketable names—ever existed.   That’s just the way it was.  

CARTOON: Missing

About yay high and Shiny? Today's cartoon by Dave Whamond.

How the Mitch Stole Stimulus

Every Blue down in Blue-Ville loved stimulus a lot. But the Mitch who lived in the Senate of Blue Ville did not. The Mitch hated stimulus! The whole Covid season! Maybe because he believes socialism is treason. 

5 Places to Find Your Hallmark Christmas Husband During a Pandemic  

An Open-Air Christmas Tree Lot, The Dilapidated Inn You're Fixing Up, The Snowy Grave of Your Husband, and more! 

The Love Song of J. Electoral College Prufrock

No! I am not the magical elixir; / Am neither a remedy nor fixer / I’m not suited for this nation in this day and age, / When people in states red and blue must be more engaged...

Bill Lumbergh Leads a Zoom Meeting

Now, about Slack. It seems there have been some problems lately when it comes to people not responding to messages – how should I say this – quickly. I’ve talked with Bob and Bob about this and we feel like this is a good sign of whether or not someone is a team player. We’re going on month eight of working from home, so by now you should be treating this as if you’re at your desk or otherwise within my line of sight.

CARTOON: Wear Your Santa Mask

The 12 days of isolation. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

What Your Animal Tattoo Says About You

Lion (male): Your masculinity is toxic. Lion (female): You’re forced to carry the emotional labor for your entire family. Scar from The Lion King: You are murderously jealous of your older, more successful brother.

Ads For Products You Never Wanted

Winner's Rubix Cube: Did you like fidget spinners? Do you want to feel smart without doing any work to get there? Soothe your ego with a Winner's Rubix Cube.

CARTOON: Thanksgiving Simulator

Feel like you are really there! Today's cartoon by David Ostow and Ellis Rosen.

Despite the CDC’s Warnings, I, Hannibal Lecter, Expect to See You at my Thanksgiving Dinner

You will have to wear a mask. Diseased meats taste worse. And we don’t want the pigs to taste badly.

#FoodAMusical

Brittle Shop of Horrors, Fry Fry Birdie, Pies & Dolls, and more #FoodAMusical on this week's trending joke game!

Trump Turkey Pardon

We just need a signature here, here and here....everything will be taken care of, and then the turkey and his family will be in no way held liable for any crimes past or present. But if there's any room for disagreement, I may be willing to haggle regarding a member or two of the turkey's family. Like the turkey's sons, just as one example.

Popular Scented Candles of 2020

Face Mask: Revolutionary technology that uniquely captures the fragrance of your own breath.

The Art of the Memoir by Donald J. Trump

Chapter 3- Growing Up: My Dad was a Nazi, and if you’d asked me when I was a boy if that would help me relate to people, I’d have said “no.” But, as it turns out, “yes.”

CARTOON: Futile

Why don't you make like a tree, and get outta here. Today's cartoon by David Ostow.

What to Do When Your Screaming Autocrat Won’t Leave the White House

Offer a choice. This will make him feel like he has some say in the matter, even though he doesn’t. “On the way home, do you want us to keep counting the votes in Pennsylvania or stop counting them?”

Fun Tips To Shaving Your Dad's Back

Needing to earn a bit of extra money on the side? Scoop up the latest batch of your dad's back-hair trimmings and sell to your stepmother for use in her collection of ex-husband voodoo dolls.

The Bigliest Sore Loser and 14 Other Future Reality Shows for The Post Presidency Trumps to Appear On

Criminal Double Jeopardy, Lame Duck Dynasty, The Bigliest Sore Loser, and more!

CARTOON: Bird Brain

Quick unsend! Come back! Today's cartoon by David Ostow and Dan Salomon.

NEWS BRIEFS: Cat Caper

Weekly Humorist New Briefs: Breaking News, Into Little Pieces.

Titles, Explained

Detective: Just about the only one who’s isn’t afraid to find out what’s really going on here. Lieutenant: A company man who started out as a good cop (sure, maybe too much of an idealist back then, but who wasn’t? Those were different times.) yet now understands that you have to play their game to make captain—and if that means turning a blind eye to some of the stuff that goes on around here, so be it. And more!

Daniel Tiger Loses A Presidential Election

DANIEL: I refuse to concede! Prince Wednesday, I need you to hold a press conference to announce that all of the votes were illegal and I'm president. Book a venue, get me the Doubletree. PRINCE WEDNESDAY: You got it, DT.

#CrankyCocktails

Madhattan, Snidecar, Champagne In The Ass, and more #CrankyCocktails on this week's trending joke game!

CARTOON: Just A Flesh Wound

I'll bite your ankles! Today's cartoon by Tom Chitty.

Funkytown: 2020

As the ‘80s gave way to the ‘90s, Funkytown crumbled into disrepair, a shell of its former self, remembered only during brief periods of renewed interest in ‘70s culture, such as the Pulp Fiction-fueled comeback of John Travolta and the rise of Jamiroquai.

Alexa, I Know American Democracy is On the Edge of Collapse, But I Need You To Play Baby Beluga by Raffi

Hey Alexa, I get it. America is about to have its second Civil War. We are a flaming pile of shit. There are a lot of noises in this house, lots of stuff being screamed at the TV, but I need you to focus up: my baby refuses to let me wipe her ass unless you play Baby Beluga by Raffi. You need to play Baby Beluga by Raffi.

CARTOON: Soon

Stand by to re-inflate. Today's cartoon by Ali Solomon.

Taco Bell Has Wine Now! Here Are Other Luxury Items We’re Rolling Out This Year

Our indulgent handbags are all limited edition items, so limited, in fact, that they must be thrown away after three days of use. Nothing says fashion like an expiration date. Vogue called this specially crafted handbag: “A taco.”

#StressedCelebs

Betty White Knuckles, Harried Styles, ProZac Efron, and more #StressedCelebs on this week's trending joke game!

Goosebumps Books Updated for Current Times

Please Don't Feed the Vampire! A plucky White House intern investigates the mysterious disappearance of some of Stephen Miller's staff.

Welcome to Deplorables: Portland’s First Alt-Right Craft Brewery

Deep State Dunkel: Enjoy the smooth malty flavor of this beer while you swap your favorite Obama conspiracy theories over a game of cornhole. Did he kill JFK? Probably!

CARTOON: 'Minimum-Effort Precaution' Mask

It's the LEAST you can do- and we do mean the least. Cartoon by Brandon Hicks.

9 Spooky Halloween Costume Ideas During the Pandemic

Eager Zoomer with suit, tie and no pants, Mummified toilet paper hoarder, 6-foot space invader, and more!

EXCLUSIVE! "The Shout Out" Quarantine Comedy Short Filmed Entirely on Phones in Lockdown Premieres!

A Reality Star joins Cameo during quarantine and has a meltdown while recording a birthday message for a fan.

7 Sexy COVID-19 Halloween Costumes

Sexy Cancelled Wedding: Did you cancel your wedding during COVID-19 or get invited to a cancelled wedding? Mmm, nothing sexier. In this micro-wedding dress, there are cancelled deposits stuck all over, as well as wedding vows from real almost couples who have now broken up cause it’s a pandemic and they realize they hate each other and the other person is a fricking weird chewer.

The Defunct Corporations Support Club Welcomes Quibi

Agenda: Welcome Quibi to the group! We really are impressed that you became a member in record time. You beat the record that MoviePass set in 2018!

CARTOON: Mutt

Gonna ruin your dinner! Today's cartoon by Asher Perlman.

My House has Been on Fire for the Past Four Years but I’m Still Undecided About Calling the Fire Department

Hey there, new neighbor! Sorry, I couldn’t hear you over the roaring blaze destroying my home. Have I decided if I should call the fire department or not? No, I haven’t, not yet at least. I still need more time. What am I waiting for? I’m not sure if they’ll make the state of my home any better. Yes, we’ve been running out of air and visibility for awhile now, but isn’t the fire department just as bad? 

#SpookySeasonings

Scream of Tartar, Oreganoooo, Boosil, Goryander, and more #SpookySeasons on this week's trending joke game!

Talkward w/ guest Emily Flake

Today on Talkward is cartoonist, comedy writer, and performer Emily Flake! Emily draws wonderful cartoons for The New Yorker, The New York Times and has many books and comics strips. Her latest project is over at kickstarter and needs your support! St. Nell's Humor Writing Residency for Ladies! Go check it out right now!

The Son From ‘Cats in The Cradle’ Would Like To Correct The Narrative

“My child arrived just the other day/He came to the world in the usual way” ~ Actually, my birth story’s quite harrowing. Dad, like most mid-twentieth century men, wasn’t even in the room. Mom was in labor for fifteen brutal hours. Far from “usual,” I’d say. 

Steps To Deprogramming A Trump Follower

Lure the Trump supporter to a tantalizing mock-up garage sale, featuring items such as confederate flag shot-glasses and beer cozies, back issues of Guns & Ammo, and collectible figurines and snow-globes that feature Jesus punching a hippie in the mouth.

CARTOON: Fortune

NEED TO KNOW! Today's cartoon by Lila Ash.

#HorrorVeggies

Lima Screams, The Texas Coleslaw Massacre, Kales from the Crypt, and more #HorrorVeggies on this week's trending joke game!

CARTOON: Jumped The Shark

"Damn, Season 45 was Crazy!" "Yeah, but the whole Virus plotline was over the top."

NEWS BRIEFS: Technology

Weekly Humorist News Briefs: Breaking News, Into Little Pieces.

Classic Urban Legends Updated for 2020

The Stolen Kidney updated for 2020: A beautiful woman seduces a young anti-vaxxer. The following morning he awakens in a bathtub full of cotton balls to find his arms covered with band-aids and a document containing a list of all the vaccinations he received.

Suggested Snacks For The Vice Presidential Debate

QAnonfat yogurt dip, KamalaTov Cocktails, Black Olives Matter, and more!

Human-watching

The Northern Card, aka the Mockingturd, spends its days pecking out puns, forced metaphors, and other desperate attempts to make light of the End Times. Call (repeated hourly): “Pleeeeez go viral.”

Hear Ye! Hear Ye! The King and Queen Have the Bubonic Plague!

Doth not tremble in cowardliness! Though many of us have fallen from these maladies and the King hast told us to do nothing to prevent the maladies from ravaging many of us, there is no reason to believe his wisdom won’t lead him to victory.

NEWS BRIEFS: Infected

Weekly Humorist News Briefs: Breaking news, Into Little Pieces.

New Shows for the Fall Season

Everyone Loves Working From Home, Juicing With the Stars, and more!

#CelebABook

Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret Cho, LeBron James and the Giant Peach, The Ceelo Green Mile, and more #CelebABook on this week's trending joke game!

Seven New Rules to Ensure the Second Presidential Debate will be more Presidential than the First

Rule #2: The moderator will have the ability to mute a candidate's microphone if he fails to give the other candidate an opportunity to speak. The candidate in violation will be docked an electoral vote from a battleground state of his opponents choosing.

I Voted Stickers For Everyday Activities

Voting is cool, but there's all sorts of other things to brag about!

CARTOON: First Of All...

Pretty sure it was like this before. Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein. Check out Bob's new book, The Elements of Stress!

Weekly Humorist's Election Season Forecast Calendar

Thursday, October 15- Following the previous evening's debate, Trump voters decide to finally being wearing masks, but due to embarrassment rather than pandemic concerns.

How’s It Going? A F.A.Q.

Q: How’s it going? A: The standard answer “as well as can be excepted” applies, although this may fluctuate slightly on a day-to-day basis. Things that can influence how well things are going on any given day include exercising, sex (or lack thereof), looking at real estate listings, level of news consumption, and which of our national institutions are falling apart.

COVID-19's Kitschy Bumper Sticker Phase

Honk if you have Antibodies! And more!

Talkward w/ guests Bob Eckstein and Michael Shaw

This episode of Talkward welcomes the non-stop comedy cartoon duo Bob Eckstein and Michael Shaw! The both are long-time famous cartoonists and writers who have been featured in The New Yorker, New York Times, among many others. They have a new book out, THE ELEMENTS OF STRESS and the Pursuit of Happy-ish in this Current Sh*tstorm! It aims to help de-stress our currently very stressful world. It's very funny, and guaranteed to relax you, even if you have to roll it up and smoke it.

Your Child’s First Day at Bezos Academy

We believe in the importance of letting your child develop their mind and spirit through the wonders of the great outdoors. Your child will be able to romp through our vast warehouses, venture through stacked metal crates, and crawl through ventilation to kill the rats that evaded the grasp of industrial-strength poison.

I’m Your Fitness Tracker, and I’m Worried About You 

I also feel like our relationship has suffered. When you originally customized my settings, you asked me to provide hourly “Get Up and Move!” alerts during your waking hours. But lately, you’ve been deleting these prompts by jabbing roughly at my screen. Remember, only a light tap of your finger is necessary!

Tips for Fleeing a Zombie Apocalypse or Leaving the House with a Toddler

For either a zombie apocalypse or an errand involving a toddler, pack enough provisions for three times the anticipated length of your trip. Water bottles and cereal bars are recommended for both. Canned luncheon meat is highly desirable for fleeing zombies, but can get mixed reactions from toddlers.

CARTOON: Demographics

Check these figures and get back to me. Today's cartoon by Drew Panckeri.

I Will Absolutely Be Sending My Kids Back To Swim At Amity Island Even Though Jaws Is Still In The Water

This shark impacts different people in different ways. It violently pulls some people underwater, only to have their partial remains wash ashore the next day while others it merely maims and leaves permanently disfigured. 

It’s Me, Venus, And After Putting Me in the Uninhabitable Zone, You Finally See I Had Life All Along

So here I am. No rings. No moons. I’m just a planet, standing in front of another planet on the brink of disaster, asking its scientists to believe there’s life in me. Earth might spin in my opposite direction, but to me, you are perfect. Choose me. Inhabit me. Let me make you happy.

CARTOON: Sign Here

I'm writing on your crack, does it tickle? Today's cartoon by Tom Chitty.

I’m That Little Ghost Girl from "The Ring", and the Death of VHS Has Destroyed My Small Business

Still, as DVDs, VOD, and eventually streaming crushed VHS into a rectangle relic of the past, the final nail in my coffin came with the ubiquity of the smartphone.

11 Ways to Recreate the Magic of Back-to-School Night Virtually

Flush $40 down the toilet. You’ve just paid your PTA dues! Fashion a necklace out of your teen's socks to capture the olfactory splendor of the high school gymnasium. And more!

#StinkySoapOperas

Rots Landing, Falcon Crust, The Mold and the Beautiful, and more #StinkySoapOperas on this week's trending joke game!

Back To Home School Supply List

Mouse Pad (if unavailable, back issue of Entertainment Weekly from the bathroom will do). Beer Koozie (for the days when Dad is helping out). Pencil Box, with extra compartment used to hold Mommy's Xanax. And more!

CARTOON: Targeted Advertising

Row, Row, Scroll, Scroll. Today's cartoon by Jake Goldwasser.

One Schools Very Thought Out Safety Plan

Welcome to the Fall 2020 School Year at District 13 Elementary School. We want you to know we are taking extreme precautions, to ensure our school is a safe environment for both students and faculty.

CARTOON: Just Deserts

Suddenly prime real estate. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

I, Willy Wonka, Am Finally Glad to Be Rid of Financial Burden That Is Running a Chocolate Factory

Suckers! That unsuspecting dummy had no idea what he was getting himself or his family into. That place was a money pit and I’m glad to be free of the financial burden. Good riddance!

Less Evil & Catastrophic, But Still Fairly Disturbing, Bombshell Revelations From Bob Woodward's Rage

Claims that, during his previous campaign, he didn't reveal to the American people that he was going to be such a shitty president because he "didn't want to create a panic".

Ways Jane Austen Heroines Deal With the Men They Love or Ways I Deal With People Who Won't Wear Masks During a Pandemic 

Go on lots of walks alone in the woods. Swear immovable hatred for them to no one in particular. Keep a detailed, running tally of their offenses in a diary. And more.

More Accurate Names for a Virtual Meeting

A noisy pop-up. The Early Morning Afternoon Evening Late Night Can’t Escape It Show. With your host, You! And more!

CARTOON: Whodunit?

Need a clue? Today's cartoon by Tom Chitty.

Good News From The Florin District School Board: Classes Will Now Be Held Outdoors In The Fire Swamp

We know you may have some concerns about this location and many people have already been lamenting, “We’ll never survive the fire swamp.” There was even a time, not that long ago, when no one had survived the Fire Swamp, but, thanks to Westley and Buttercup, that simply isn’t true anymore. If they can survive the three terrors of the Fire Swamp, so can you!

Bold Predictions for the 2020/21 NFL Season

Philadelphia: Knowing that they are scientifically unable to spread the virus, all the players from the Philadelphia Eagles will be replaced by actual eagles. 

CARTOON: Fatal Flattery

Killer compliment. Today's cartoon by Kit Lively.

How To Enjoy The Sun Safely During The Pandemic

Including 'don't shake hands with the sun' and 'Stay at least 2 metres from the sun' And more!

Clickbait For The Trendy Victorian Woman

QUIZ: Are You a Witch Or Are You Just Overwhelmed By Running the Household? Everything Your Husband Isn't Telling You About the Steamboat. And more!

What Do You Mean I Didn’t Go On A Quick Ice Cream Run, But Have Actually Been Missing For Five Days?

Why have the police set up a command center on top of my Spiderman air hockey table?  No, I did not know a gravelly voice identifying himself only as The Sandman was calling every thirteen minutes. And I had no idea he was threatening my life if you didn’t acquiesce to his demand for a sculpture in his likeness made of gypsum sand and the blood of virgin stallions. Marianne, it was probably just some kid yanking your crank.      

Angel & Devil On My Shoulders Can Agree On One Thing: The Dandruff On My Shoulders Is Gross

DEVIL: While you’re taking my advice, I think it might be a good idea if you start keeping up a little more with your … [Devil waves his pitchfork around my head.] DEVIL: … situation. ME: My what? My dander? What does that have to do with the issue at hand? DEVIL: Forget I said anything.

Updated Classics That Reflect Our Current Times

A Tale Of Two CDCs, Pride & Prejudiced President, Nasty Little Women, and more!