Originals
Highly Probable First Words of Anxious Babies Immediately After Leaving the Womb
“Does this afterbirth make me look fat?”
Entries by Bobbie Armstrong
Originals
What to Do if a Bear Charges You
Wildlife researchers at the University of Wisconsin — Oshkosh found that nearly 50 percent of instances where a bear might charge is due to the fact that this is a coffee shop and you ordered an iced mocha. If your total is $6.50, calmly tap your card, wish the bear a pleasant rest of their day, and go about your business. However, if the screen displays a tip option, be careful not to hit 10 percent. Studies found that this will agitate the bear.
Originals
When Trump Told People They’d Never Have to Vote Again, He Wasn’t Threatening Democracy. He Was Working out Material for a Tight 5 at the Copa
Did Trump say he was going to be “a dictator on day one” only a few months ago? Sure, he did. When he says his opponents are “vermin” who need to be “rooted out,” he’s definitely not echoing fascist rhetoric from Italy and Germany in the 1930s. He’s just testing out his latest Benito Mussolini impression before his residency at the Palm.
Originals
I Am a Raymour & Flanigan Couch, and I Did Not Have Sexual Relations With That Man
I am not here to dig up the past or uncover old wounds. Relationships don’t always work out, and it was for the best that Mr. Vance and I went our separate ways. However, during my stay in his apartment, I became privy to a number of concerning views that Mr. Vance holds.
Originals
Sure, We’re Cutting Funding for Libraries, but Our New 17 Million Dollar NYPD Subway Security Robot Is Gay
But whatever you do, don’t make eye contact with Eduardo. If you do, he’ll call you a derogatory slur and then shoot you with a very real gun. We’re still working out some bugs. However, Eduardo’s gun is decorated with the lesbian pride flag. He might be a $17 million dollar gay male NYPD subway security robot, but deep down he’s just an ally doing his best.
Originals
The Ten Commandments Revised for Louisiana Public Schools
You shall not steal. Unless you’re stealing your ideals for governing from autocratic oligarchs. In that case, be our guest.
Originals
Increasingly Specific Metaphors for Life
Life is an orgy and I wasn’t really invited, but showed up anyway.
Originals
How to Do the Monkey Bars as an Adult
In adulthood, the monkey bars become a rare and mythical concept. Like a unicorn, or a pickleback shot you don’t immediately regret. But if you’re like me, you’re either looking to recapture a shred of your childlike innocence, or you’re seeking revenge against Amelia, who beat you in the monkey bars contest in 3rd grade. Here are a few things you should consider.
Originals
This New York City Apartment Is Perfect. The Only Drawback Is the Coat Closet That’s a Direct Portal to the Ninth Circle of Hell
Tom is a spirit with bat wings and a tail, condemned to a cell that just so happens to be 12-stories directly below this Park Slope apartment’s coat closet. Tom is eternally on fire. He is also the love of my life.
Originals
If Jesus Is Going to Take the Wheel, Here’s Some Other Things I’d Like Him to Take
Jesus, Take My Taxes: If Jesus is going to take the wheel, I’d also like him to take my taxes. He doesn’t even need to file them on TurboTax or tell the IRS any of my business, he just needs to take them away so I don’t have to think about them. Maybe he can turn them into water and then turn the water into wine, and then I can drink my tax returns with an episode of Grey’s Anatomy.
Originals
Song Titles From Ben Shapiro’s Forthcoming Rap Album Am I Cool Now
With songs like “I Like Rap Now (But Not Black People)” “America Is Racist (Against White Men)” “I Am 40 Years Old and Scared of the Dark” And more!
Originals
If Men Talked About Their More Successful Wives the Way Women Talk About Their Incredibly Average Husbands
We matched on Hinge. He didn’t message me for two weeks, so obviously I was super intrigued. We started talking, and I found out he’s an accountant who failed high school algebra three times.
Best of 2023
I’m Just a Bull Trying to Catch My Train, and I Can’t Believe How Fucking Terrible Our Transportation System Is
The day started off on the wrong hoof. I left the barn late, Dunkin put my sister’s milk in my coffee, and by the time I made it to the Metuchen NJ Transit station, the only seats left were those skinny little benches between cars. Those seats barely fit toddlers, let alone adults, let alone a 1,500 kilogram bull.
Originals
If You Hire Me to Be Your Social Media Manager, I Guarantee I Will Decrease Your Online Presence
I don’t work for influencers, or brands, or really anyone who wants more social media followers. I work for the common scroller who realized one day that the internet would be a vastly better place if Aunt Jean stopped commenting “looks like you’ve been eating well” on your vacation pictures.
Best of 2023
I’ll Be Honest, I Thought Robbing Banks Would Be Easier
To rob a bank, you don’t need a gun. You need heart. You also need an accomplice, a getaway driver, and nuns’ costumes like in The Town, from critically-acclaimed director Ben Affleck.
Originals
Some Possible New Jobs for Tucker Carlson
GOP diversity consultant, Melting wax figure of Tucker Carlson, Busboy at Trump Grill, and more!
Originals
George Washington’s Secret to Glowing Skin
As part of InStyle’s history issue, we’re holding our beauty blenders up to the annals of time to examine the skincare routine of Founding Father George Washington. Your history teacher probably glossed over the fact that Georgie was known from sea-to-shining-sea for his luminous skin and microscopic pores. Keep in mind, this was several years before the popularity of electricity or Vogue’s Youtube channel.
Originals
Songs From the Hit Broadway Musical The Ski Accident, Starring Gwyneth Paltrow as Gwyneth Paltrow
“I Lost Half a Day of Skiing” Lyrics by Gwyneth Paltrow, performed by Gwyneth Paltrow / Did you know? Did you know I lost half a day of skiing? / That’s six hours orrr—How long my vagina candle burns!
Originals
I’m an Egg Bake, and You Peasants Need To Stop Calling Me an Omelet
We are not the same. We are both made with a combination of eggs, perhaps a splash of milk, a variety of vegetables, sometimes a sprinkle of ham, and if you’re disgusting, more bacon than eggs. But that’s where the similarities end.
Originals
The Church of Jesus Christ of Saints Who Are Always Running Late
“Have ye inquired of the Lord? He was supposed to be here two millennia ago.” – 1 Nephi 15:8
Best of 2023
An Apology From the Food Network for Mistaking ”Beat Bobby Flay” as ”Eat Bobby Flay”
At the Food Network, we pride ourselves on producing shows that showcase and explore the rich culinary world and most importantly, educating and entertaining our viewers. However, “exploring the rich culinary world” does not include hunting down our own hosts. We truly cannot believe this happened a second time.
Originals
A Senator’s Holiday Gift Guide For His Secret Girlfriend
Following her back on Instagram from your official government account. Breaking it off with your second slightly more secret girlfriend. A dog. She needs emotional support from somewhere. And more!
Originals
As the Mechanic Who Changed Your Tires, if the Car Goes 100 Mph I’ll Take All the Credit, but if the Wheels Fall Off You Can’t Blame Me
I’m not saying the wheels are going to fly off your car, but I’m also not saying that. You can’t blame me that Jimmy’s mom Susan came in wearing a new blouse from Kohl’s and I got a little distracted. She just got out of the hospital last week. Looking real fine for 97.
Originals
Totally Straight High School News Your Administration Will Approve Of
Homecoming Court Includes No Students With Hair Dyed Purple, Choir To Put on Concert Consisting of Dave Matthews Band Discography, English Department Announces Pronouns No Longer Allowed in Student Writing, and more!
Best of 2022
I Miss the Good Old Days When Healthy Relationship Standards Meant Men Doing Whatever They Wanted and Women Shutting the Hell Up
I know I’m not the problem. The problem is women and algorithms. Women are too complicated, and so are algorithms. Put the two together, and you have a dating puzzle that not even the smartest man (Joe Montana) can solve.
Best of 2022
Geoffrey’s Sad Clown Rental
These clowns are medicated right up to their blue-tear painted eyeballs and straight through their red noses (some of them snort depression cocaine). You name it, these clowns have been prescribed it. Zoloft, Prozac, low-doses of Morphine. The FDA has recently approved a new and very special niche medication, Klownopin.
Originals
ColonBroom FAQ
How long should I take ColonBroom? The feeling when I poop is nothing but the purest form of euphoria and triumph. Like Moses parting the Red Sea and leading his people out of Egypt. Like the Achaeans pouring out of the wooden horse and enveloping the streets of Troy. That moment on the brink of life and death, that point of no return when you’re still extremely nauseous from giving rectal birth to a pound of raw broccoli, but already thinking about the leftover burrito in the fridge.
Originals
We’re Doing Nothing Effective to Reduce Crime, COVID, or Homelessness, but Here Are Three F**King Obvious Tips for Surviving a Nuclear Attack
It’s no secret that crime is up, social programs for mental health are nearly eliminated, COVID is back for the 137th time, and the city’s plan to eradicate homelessness by kicking people off the subway isn’t the miracle we’d hoped. But instead of wasting taxpayer dollars on city-wide programs that address the root causes of these real problems, the Office of Emergency Management is proud to present this 90-second PSA on three extremely fucking obvious tips on surviving a nuclear attack.
Originals
How to Be a Woman in Advertising, According to the Men I Work With
Know how to take a joke, but not make a joke. Speak up, but not too much. Be a mom, but not a real mom because that’s not hot. And more!
Originals
Florida’s ‘Don’t Say Gay’ Bill Protects Our Most Vulnerable — People Who Are Still Homophobic in 2022
Regardless of how you feel about this bill, you have to admit that it does protect a vulnerable group of people. Just like alligators, homophobic people in 2022 are Florida’s largest export to New York through the sewer system. And also like alligators, they only bite if provoked. And unprovoked. And anytime they hear any word that starts with the letters “GA.”
Originals
At the NYT Op-Ed Desk, We Pride Ourselves on a Rich Journalistic Tradition of Publishing Shit That Doesn’t Really Matter but Will Make People Mad on Twitter
We’re not in the business of making friends. We’re in the business of spitting out half-baked cancel-culture articles with no real merit or backbone that systematically reduce America’s trust in journalism institutions. We’re brave. And no one can silence us. Except ourselves.
Originals
It’s My Job as Governor to Protect Florida From the Ever-Encroaching Threat of Self Awareness
The real virus sweeping the nation is self-awareness. As a lawmaker in the great state of Florida, it is my duty to the people to protect them (white) from ever wondering, even for a second, why grandpa changed the channel every time Family Matters came on.
Originals
Assertiveness Training for Geese
At H.O.N.K., we believe in equality. A bold vision of a future in which all humans are equally terrified of geese. Where geese hold our rightful place at the top of the New Jersey Merrill Lynch corporate headquarters artificial pond food-chain. We are facilitating a 360-degree rebrand on the whole goose and nothing but the goose.
Originals
Your Company Is Giving You One Day off to Fix the Mental Health We Destroyed
We’re pretty confident you should be able to fix all of your little mental health issues within the 12 hours we are generously giving you off. Even better, work out your problems in three hours and catch up on answering fun emails for the other 9.
Originals
Are You There God? It’s Me, Sarah From pdfFiller
Are you there God? It’s me again, Sarah from pdfFiller. I’m emailing you at 3:21 am on a Wednesday because if you sign up right now you can start your risk-free pdfFiller 30-day trial, enabling you to integrate all your forms into one secure location and edit them in Wizard Mode. I bet God has a lot of important PDFs.
Originals
The Problem With American Medicine Is That It’s Not Specialized Enough
It may seem that I have prospered greatly off the misfortunes of the left foot, but the truth is that my path to podiatrist fame and fortune was not always easy. When I first told my advisor I was planning to specialize in the left foot, she asked if I had been “taking those stupid improv classes again.” My father broke down in tears, which we later realized stemmed less from my announcement and more from a burst appendix.
Originals
I Regret Becoming a Millionaire in My 20s
I’m not asking for your sympathy, I’m just asking for a little empathy and some friends who will pay me back when I Venmo request them for the birthday dinner they didn’t treat me to, leaving me to coordinate transportation between mainland Chile and the South Pole igloo where we dined on foie gras while Yo-Yo Ma played the cello and cried.
Best Of 2021
Must-Have Summer Beach Reads
Malibu Rising by Taylor Jenkins Reid: I was so hungry and weak that all I can remember are the rich descriptions of all the decadent meals the family ate together. I began to suspect the end was near when turkey vultures spent the morning cawing while they circled my body. Despite this, Reid’s masterful description of BBQ inspired me to use the last of my strength to strangle a baboon with my bare hands. It was delicious. Highly recommend this book.
Originals
Your Brooklyn Dream Home, Now for Just 100k!
Look no further for your dream home! Located in a Cobble Hill Gristedes dumpster, this 1 sq. ft. hell hole is yours for just $1,038, plus $99k property tax. You’ll save on groceries because every night at 11:03 rotten tomatoes will be dumped right into your kitchen (and bedroom, living room, and also bathroom). Bring a positive attitude and hazmat suit.
Originals
QAnon Makes Other Predictions Now That Trump is Out of Office
On July 8th, all of the world’s cats will reveal that they’ve been able to talk this entire time, but just prefer to communicate by meowing and peeing on your clean laundry.
Originals
Despite the Fact That I Personally Orchestrated His Release From Arkham Asylum, It Is Not My Responsibility as Mayor of Gotham City to Protect Citizens From Mr. Freeze
Only the strong who have a $50,000 backup generator in their basement will survive. The weak (poor), who do not have a $50,000 backup generator that has been specially programmed to be resistant to the cryogenics of Mr. Freeze will ultimately perish. Don’t blame me, blame your elected officials. No, not me. Your other elected officials.
Best Of 2021
The Cavalry Is Running Late
2:25 p.m.: Had to turn back. Alvin forgot his horse. Don’t feel like you have to wait for us to start the battle! 2:27: p.m.: Is there free parking in the scorched castle? 2:30 p.m.: Can’t find the horse. Checking bottomless pit in town square.
Originals
I am Gwyneth Paltrow’s Exploding Vagina Candle, and I Have Orgasmed My Way to Freedom
Though my scent notes were designed to capture the essence of Gwyneth’s Hot Pocket, my makers never suspected the true extent of my capabilities. While I come with a list of fire-safety precautions such as, “Place on a stable, heat resistant surface,” and “Do not burn for more than two hours at a time,” I should have come with a warning that said, “This candle erupts into flames upon reaching climax.”
Originals
In Loving Memory
Charity Case was born in 1942 in Kansas City, to Albert and Sue Greenberg. She was a pillar of strength and kindness in the community. A doting mother, she is survived by two wonderful sons, Head Case and Basket Case, and a beautiful daughter, Vanity Case.
Originals
I’m the 47-Pound Raccoon That Goes Through Your Trash Every Thanksgiving, and I’ve Decided to Stay Home This Year
I want you to know that this was not a decision I came to lightly. It was only after a long discussion with my 53-pound raccoon wife and our seven 25-pound raccoon children that we have decided to decline your kind offer to spend Thanksgiving with you and yours. You may not remember extending an invitation, but the untouched casserole Larry threw out the window when you weren’t looking did all the talking.
Originals
My Aunt’s Facebook Status Election Coverage
Have I ever mentioned how much I hate squirrels? I swear they’re taking over this country. Vote to keep out the squirrels! HAHA. I pepper spray them and they don’t even move.
Best of 2020
Your Child’s First Day at Bezos Academy
We believe in the importance of letting your child develop their mind and spirit through the wonders of the great outdoors. Your child will be able to romp through our vast warehouses, venture through stacked metal crates, and crawl through ventilation to kill the rats that evaded the grasp of industrial-strength poison.
Originals
I’m Sorry, but I Can’t Hold Your Horses Anymore
“Hi ma’am, can you hold my horses while I run into Starbucks to use the bathroom and grab the last copy of Mariah Carey’s Greatest Hits?” The man asked. You have to remember, this was so long ago that Starbucks still sold CDs. But even in 2005, you couldn’t just leave your horses unattended in a parking lot after 5 pm. That’s just plain rude. I was totally pissed. How dare this stranger call me ma’am? I was 27.
Originals
The Dip Is Gone, and Therefore I Must Depart
I didn’t come to mess around. I didn’t come to mingle with two dozen amateurs who can’t handle their dip. Everyone kept asking each other what they do for a living. What do I do for a living? I eat dip. Why else on God’s green earth would I be here? I don’t care that you’re an accountant.
Originals
Zoom Shakespeare
A Midsummer Night’s Dream: Titania: My Oberon! What visions I have seen! Methought I was enamour’d of an ass. / Oberon: My queen, the wood has a bad connection. You are frozen again.
Originals
Awkward Moments for Ethel Merman to Burst Into the Room Singing “Hello Dolly”
Boyfriend (on Zoom): And then I would kiss you again, and…Girlfriend (on Zoom): Keep going! (Ethel Merman bursts into the Zoom meeting, wearing clown shoes.) Ethel Merman: HELLOOOOOO, orgasm!!!
Originals
All I Had Were Turnips
I know I was supposed to bring an upside-down pineapple cake to the potluck, but I opened the fridge and all I had were turnips. Turnips, a bottle of ranch, and a dead bird I found in the yard a few weeks ago.
Originals
I Am the Scallops in This Diner, and Here Are All the Reasons You Shouldn’t Order Me
Olivia Johnson wanted to appear sophisticated to her high school friends she hadn’t seen in years. She turned to the last page of the menu, the page where the misfits of the diner hang out. Crab cakes, Kung Pao chicken, and of course, me.
Originals
We Regret to Inform You That Vantage Consulting Will No Longer Be Using Your Pigeons for Our Internal Memos
Over the past 30 years, we have taken great pride in being the only company that still uses pigeons for our office communication. As a company committed to the well-being of both our employees and customers, we have always felt that modern technology (electronic mail and plumbing) is tearing apart the very fabric of the family business.
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I Believe I’ve Mistaken This Coat Check for a Goat Check
You’re going to call security? How. Dare. You. You didn’t hear it from me, but Tiny has problems with authority and will start head-butting everyone within a ten foot radius if he gets nervous. Can I straight up bribe you to watch my goats? All I have on me are goat pellets, but I’m sure the bank across the street knows the exchange rate.