A great treat for kids who are too young to smoke, but still want to look cool. The candy cigarette paved the way for the invention of candy chewing tobacco, and candy nicotine patches. These are hard to find nowadays -  tobacco companies want kids to vape, anyway!

Returns: Unfortunately, due to the perishable nature of the body, returns cannot be accepted. Washing instructions: Do not wash — washing will degrade the quality of your carcass and ruin your washing machine.

Decorative Inflatable Witches Can Be Embarrassing From Certain Angles, and We Need to Acknowledge That.

Ghost with the most... kills. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

Nutty! Today's cartoon by Michael Shaw.

Your identity disguised by a Halloween costume, moon their Ring doorbell camera. Set up a dozen or so porta potties on their front lawn. Trap a particularly violent poltergeist in their bird-house. And more!

Shrinkage. Today's cartoon by Steve Daugherty.

DONT use your Ouija as a cheese board during a supernatural-themed dinner party, particularly if the ghosts you will be contacting are lactose intolerant. DO allow ghosts to reach out for friendship by providing you with your neighbor's Wi-Fi password. And more!

Torturous homeownership. Today's cartoon by Nick Downes.

Now that there’s a huge pumpkin head walking around your house - meals are going to be a little trickier than normal. If however you eat all of your meals alone while hiding in a closet then please, skip this step. Food is going to be a problem because your lover has no way of eating it - she just has three goofy teeth and no jaw motion whatsoever.

Boring blue ribbon winner. Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein.

I’m sorry I invited 10 random people to your private family and friends shindig and told them it was going to be a rager. I’m sorry they showed up.

I’ve been shot, stabbed, lit on fire, poked through the eye with a wire hanger — the list goes on. All have been her doing. Other acts of violence have been outright demeaning as well. Just last year, while a vicious mob had me surrounded in the street, some old lady struck me with, of all things, an iron. Like I’m just one big joke.

'Ding Dong, Fooled You! and 6 Other Practical Jokes No Reaper Can Resist', 'Slim Reapers: This Year's Most Flattering Death Robes!' 'Which Celebrities Are On Your Bucket List?' and More from this month's Reaper's Digest!

95,000 LinkedIn updates, That article you're going to read someday soon, Response to the email about setting up a playdate with a kid you don't know, and more!

It's a mistake to appear too eager! Have your friend play it cool and hang back from the crowd a bit. The person handing out treats will be intrigued by the indifference, and your friend may end up with a couple of extra fun-size Twix bars in his bag.

Howling Happy Hour. Today's cartoon by Mat Barton & Adam Cooper.

It's the LEAST you can do- and we do mean the least. Cartoon by Brandon Hicks.

Be super, mask up. Today's cartoon by Dalton Vaughn.

Sexy Cancelled Wedding: Did you cancel your wedding during COVID-19 or get invited to a cancelled wedding? Mmm, nothing sexier. In this micro-wedding dress, there are cancelled deposits stuck all over, as well as wedding vows from real almost couples who have now broken up cause it’s a pandemic and they realize they hate each other and the other person is a fricking weird chewer.

Lima Screams, The Texas Coleslaw Massacre, Kales from the Crypt, and more #HorrorVeggies on this week's trending joke game!

This spooky Halloween episode of Talkward welcomes humor writer and performer James Folta! James writes for The New Yorker, McSweeney's , Weekly Humorist and is the Managing Editor of Points In Case. James also is a co-founder of The Satire and Humor Festival which is in NYC in March but just announced a pop-up weekend in Chicago in November! Check it out here and go! We discuss Halloween costumes, writing, book publishing and James' current projects in writing and pitching new narrative humor podcasts.  Also, who knew how bad at math we both are! Jokes! James also teaches humor and parody. Follow him on twitter @JamesFolta and we'll see you at the festival!

Stay hydrated! A dehydrated zombie is, well, the same as a hydrated zombie, but it’ll give you something to do between feedings. 

Feel free to use both our washer and our dryer, we keep the laundry detergent under the sink. Before inserting your load, take the cowbell off the shelf above the laundry machine and ring it three times. This should scare the poltergeist enough that he vacates the washer. If he’s in the dryer, you’re out of luck – he really likes it there. 

Rainbow Fright, Indiana Bones, Scooby-Doom and more #Haunted Heroes on our weekly joke game!

Leftover Halloween candy (yeah, right) can be used as Christmas…

Thomas' House Kind of a bummer this time around, as his mom's…

Sexy Mitch McConnell, Zombie Mitch McConnell, just Mitch McConnell. And more.

It was a funny, excuse filled haunting this week on our Weekly Humorist Witty Wednesday Hashtag game! On @HashtagRoundUp powered by @TheHashtagGame. We trended #8 in USA! Play our comedy hashtag twitter games every Wednesday at 11 am EST.

Thank you for your interest in Halloween MegaStore. Unfortunately, we decided to go in a different direction. The “blood-spattered” paper your resume was on certainly caught our eye. It also soaked my desk...

Everything you love will be ripped away from you. Always pick a shiny pumpkin!