Children’s Books in the Time of COVID

Charlotte’s Web of Coronavirus Conspiracy Theories, How to Train Your Dragon to Eat Anti-Maskers, The Very Hungry Caterpillar Has Been Less Interested in Eating Since Losing His Sense of Smell, and more.

I Sure Picked the Right Year to Get Trapped in this Luscious 18th Century Armoire

The situation wasn’t ideal, but then again I didn’t have to pretend that a Zoom happy hour was a fulfilling experience. I’ll stick with projecting personalities onto the handful of winter coats I own, thank you very much. 

Memo from the Office of the Vice Chancellor of the Lizard Overlord Project to the Costuming Department

And what is going on with Bill Barr’s facial unit?  The prototype we were shown had a full range of mobility and expression.  The unit in the field now has become the target of ridicule and given rise to unwelcome notoriety through slurs like “Resting Bill Barr Face” and “Attorney General Grumpy Cat”.

How to Have a Super-Traditional Hanukkah That Is in NO Way Like Christmas

Night 6: The kids complained that the Hanukkah Bush is too small. Race around your backyard trying to find something larger--oh look! It’s the evergreen that’s been growing outside your den for the past three decades. Hack it down, prop it up in your bay window, and emblazon it with enough twinkling Hanukkah miracles that it glows radioactively. It is the Festival of Lights, after all.

How the Mitch Stole Stimulus

Every Blue down in Blue-Ville loved stimulus a lot. But the Mitch who lived in the Senate of Blue Ville did not. The Mitch hated stimulus! The whole Covid season! Maybe because he believes socialism is treason. 

5 Places to Find Your Hallmark Christmas Husband During a Pandemic  

An Open-Air Christmas Tree Lot, The Dilapidated Inn You're Fixing Up, The Snowy Grave of Your Husband, and more! 

Bill Lumbergh Leads a Zoom Meeting

Now, about Slack. It seems there have been some problems lately when it comes to people not responding to messages – how should I say this – quickly. I’ve talked with Bob and Bob about this and we feel like this is a good sign of whether or not someone is a team player. We’re going on month eight of working from home, so by now you should be treating this as if you’re at your desk or otherwise within my line of sight.

Despite the CDC’s Warnings, I, Hannibal Lecter, Expect to See You at my Thanksgiving Dinner

You will have to wear a mask. Diseased meats taste worse. And we don’t want the pigs to taste badly.

What to Do When Your Screaming Autocrat Won’t Leave the White House

Offer a choice. This will make him feel like he has some say in the matter, even though he doesn’t. “On the way home, do you want us to keep counting the votes in Pennsylvania or stop counting them?”

Daniel Tiger Loses A Presidential Election

DANIEL: I refuse to concede! Prince Wednesday, I need you to hold a press conference to announce that all of the votes were illegal and I'm president. Book a venue, get me the Doubletree. PRINCE WEDNESDAY: You got it, DT.

Alexa, I Know American Democracy is On the Edge of Collapse, But I Need You To Play Baby Beluga by Raffi

Hey Alexa, I get it. America is about to have its second Civil War. We are a flaming pile of shit. There are a lot of noises in this house, lots of stuff being screamed at the TV, but I need you to focus up: my baby refuses to let me wipe her ass unless you play Baby Beluga by Raffi. You need to play Baby Beluga by Raffi.

What’s Coming to Netflix This Week: Carelessly Loose Spin-Offs Edition

In light of ongoing pandemic troubles and a frighteningly uncertain presidential election, we felt that our main demographic would like to escape from literally everything and regress back to their childhood. To that end, we’re excited to release five, new spin-off series this week that take your favorite characters-- and the characters you didn’t even know about-- and place them in crazy situations that are all more stable than reality!

My House has Been on Fire for the Past Four Years but I’m Still Undecided About Calling the Fire Department

Hey there, new neighbor! Sorry, I couldn’t hear you over the roaring blaze destroying my home. Have I decided if I should call the fire department or not? No, I haven’t, not yet at least. I still need more time. What am I waiting for? I’m not sure if they’ll make the state of my home any better. Yes, we’ve been running out of air and visibility for awhile now, but isn’t the fire department just as bad? 

Hear Ye! Hear Ye! The King and Queen Have the Bubonic Plague!

Doth not tremble in cowardliness! Though many of us have fallen from these maladies and the King hast told us to do nothing to prevent the maladies from ravaging many of us, there is no reason to believe his wisdom won’t lead him to victory.

New Shows for the Fall Season

Everyone Loves Working From Home, Juicing With the Stars, and more!

Your Child’s First Day at Bezos Academy

We believe in the importance of letting your child develop their mind and spirit through the wonders of the great outdoors. Your child will be able to romp through our vast warehouses, venture through stacked metal crates, and crawl through ventilation to kill the rats that evaded the grasp of industrial-strength poison.

I Will Absolutely Be Sending My Kids Back To Swim At Amity Island Even Though Jaws Is Still In The Water

This shark impacts different people in different ways. It violently pulls some people underwater, only to have their partial remains wash ashore the next day while others it merely maims and leaves permanently disfigured. 

Ways Jane Austen Heroines Deal With the Men They Love or Ways I Deal With People Who Won't Wear Masks During a Pandemic 

Go on lots of walks alone in the woods. Swear immovable hatred for them to no one in particular. Keep a detailed, running tally of their offenses in a diary. And more.

More Accurate Names for a Virtual Meeting

A noisy pop-up. The Early Morning Afternoon Evening Late Night Can’t Escape It Show. With your host, You! And more!

Clickbait For The Trendy Victorian Woman

QUIZ: Are You a Witch Or Are You Just Overwhelmed By Running the Household? Everything Your Husband Isn't Telling You About the Steamboat. And more!

Dracula Plans To Visit Village of Recent Vampire Attack

Your town’s Baron, the pathetic bag of flesh, is not doing a good job of maintaining law and order. He has stoked your anarchy by suggesting that I am somehow complicit in these vampire attacks. Am I the King Vampire? Yes. Do I have control over those whom I turn into the un-dead? Yes. Should I intervene when vampires attack villagers? Over my un-dead body.

Angel & Devil On My Shoulders Can Agree On One Thing: The Dandruff On My Shoulders Is Gross

DEVIL: While you’re taking my advice, I think it might be a good idea if you start keeping up a little more with your … [Devil waves his pitchfork around my head.] DEVIL: … situation. ME: My what? My dander? What does that have to do with the issue at hand? DEVIL: Forget I said anything.

An Oral History Of The Time Dylan Miller Ate Nine Deli Sandwiches

Rebecca Johnson (Dylan’s then Girlfriend): Dylan always seemed more interested in sandwiches than me. Dylan Miller: I was definitely more interested in sandwiches than Rebecca. We were not a good match. 

Intentionally Uninspiring Throw Pillows

We Actually Hate Having Guests! And more.

What the Location of Your Anti-Mask Tirade Says About You

Sur La Table — Your kids go to a school that used to be a rich person’s house. Target — You purchased a brand of dryer sheets because others were boycotting it. And more!

Hallmark Channel Presents: Alt-right Rom-coms!

Carrying a Tiki Torch For You: Small town patriots Kirk and Allie meet while protesting the removal of a Confederate statue and sparks fly—literally, from their flaming tiki torches! Kirk falls fast for Allie, but in order to save the family hardware store, Kirk has already agreed to marry an Harvard-educated lady lawyer who voted for Hillary. Can Kirk find a way to save the store, be with the woman he loves, and maybe even lock up his fiancée?

Actual Phases of Being Stuck Inside of a Global Pandemic

'The I-watch-HGTV-and-can-therefore-build-an-addition-to-my-house phase.' 'The I-just-realized-I-don’t-even-own-a-hammer phase.' And more!

The Calm App Presents: Shark Week

Why Shark Week? We’ve long admired these powerful predators, which, through centuries of optimization and mindfulness, have evolved into single-minded masses of sinew and cartilage with one goal: to destroy. In this way, sharks exemplify the Calm manifesto. Also, as the alpha predator of the sea with near-nothing to worry about, what’s calmer than a shark?

Herman Melville Workshops Whale Names Before Settling on Moby Dick

Big Ding-Dong Whale, Shamu, Moby Penis, Jedediah Whaleshlong (Note to self: too long)

Evergreen Satire Headline Generator

Evergreen satire is hard! Use your birthday below to create a headline for your very own evergreen satire piece now! Then BAM- You’ve got the perfect evergreen headline! Now all you have to do is write the piece, submit it, and wait for the rejections to come pouring in!

Is it Time for our Pandemic Pod to Become a Swingers’ Circle?

There’s any number of configurations this could take. It’s gonna be a long summer – we could rotate out who watches the kids while the rest of us ménage it up in the rec room. We could watch each other bone. We could wait until the kids are all asleep and throw ourselves a proper orgy. The possibilities are endless.

1930s Life Skills Adapted for the Next Great Depression 2.0

Spruce up the walls of your shanty lean-to with copies of your viral tweet.

A Note on the “No Passionate Open Mouthed Kissing” Rule for the 2020 Baseball Season

P.S. Goes without saying, but we’ve also cancelled the Seventh Inning French.

If Classic TV Shows Took Place in 2020

SEINFELD: Jerry’s date becomes infuriated when he won’t let her get within six feet of him. George starts a protest movement to get a haircut. Elaine argues with a security guard after not maintaining proper social distance in line to buy toilet paper. Kramer sets out to prove the coronavirus is man-made by eating only genetically-modified foods.

Hall of Impeached Presidents And 9 Other Disney World Updated Attractions For 2020 Grand Reopening

It’s a Smaller World After All - (With Americans banned from most countries on this ride) and more!

Fortune Cookies for the Coronapocalypse

Beware of chaotic sexual energy that could land you in the ICU. No glove, no love. No mask, no ass.

Days of the Week Underwear Quarantine Edition

Very helpful way to keep on track, and be as focused and efficient as possible!

Star Wars if All The Bad Guys Refused to Wear Their Masks

Onboard the Death Star, Luke Skywalker and Han Solo try to disguise themselves as Stormtroopers. Everyone recognizes them immediately because Stormtroopers don’t wear masks.

If Shakespeare Characters Had Podcasts

Something Old, Something New, Something Borrowed, Something Stabby: Hi, we’re high school #powercouple Romeo and Juliet, and we bite our thumbs at your tacky wedding. Check out our weekly podcast where we answer all your most common wedding questions regarding: venue, music, difficult in-laws, and ways to prevent a dramatic accidental suicide over your way too intense love before the big day! Sponsored by ChristianMingle.com.

Prom Theme Ideas for Your DIY Quarantine Home Prom 

“Grey Gardens” The excess of the roaring twenties comes to life.  Grab your mom, several feral kittens, and some cans of corn and prepare to dance the night away. Playlist suggestions: “Solitaire” by Laura Branigan; “Let’s Go Crazy” by Prince; “Crazy for You” by Madonna; “Old Money” by Lana del Ray.

Trump's Other Photo-Op's You Might Have Missed

Trump used tear gas to clear peaceful protesters so he could have a photo op with a bible and a church. But there were other photo ops you might have missed!

Amelia Bedelia Single-Handedly Creates Coronavirus Hot Spot by Hilariously Misunderstanding Safety Instructions

“Amelia!!” she cried. “What have you done?! Why is the window broken???” “Because of the pandemic!” said Amelia. “I had to get those things out of here as quickly as possible!” “Amelia!” cried Mrs. Rogers. “The pandemic doesn’t have anything to do with pans!”  “Oh, rats,” said Amelia. “Well at least now we’ll get some fresh air!” “The air is full of germs, Amelia!!

Your Brain Recommends Dreams Based On Your Watch History

Our data suggest that you enjoyed watching the cast of Queer Eye makeover dogs, so how about this 7-hour movie where all of your friends hate you for no reason?

People and Things I Would Rather Vote for Than Trump

The list is long, and repulsive, yet all much, much better options. Illustrated list by Jason Chatfield.

QUARANTEEN Magazine

Your first kiss!! Which type of face-masks are best? ... Page 34/ Win a Zoom chat video lunch date with Nick Jonas!! .... Page 38/ No need to social distance yourself from these hot shirtless hunk wall posters !!

Classic Novels Rewritten for the Coronavirus Pandemic 

The Great Gatsby Regrets Having That Party Because Now He Has to Disinfect His Whole Damn House

Pandemericks

We’re asked to shelter in place,/ And “No more touching your face!”,/ But some just refuse,/ Shouting “Fake news!”,/ And embarrassing the human race.

The Little Pence

From forbidden asteroids to dinners alone, take a journey with The Little Pence.

Romantic E-Cards for the Pandemic

Let those quaran-crushes know how you feel!

Excuses For Missing Your Video Call Even Though You Know I’m Alone In Quarantine

I tried cutting my own hair and am too embarrassed to be seen for the next few weeks. How about you just text me and I’ll get back to you when I get the chance?

Drinking Apparatuses I’d Sooner Use Than A Paper Straw

A Funnel: When time is of the essence and decency is not.

I Wish to Apologize for our Class’ “Zoombomber” and his Pedestrian Contributions to our Discussion of To the Lighthouse

This is my fault. I should have ended class the moment AssOlympics began monologuing about how Mrs. Ramsay a “Christ-like” protagonist.

Who Said It: An Actual Doctor, Star Trek’s Dr. McCoy, or Donald Trump?

WHAT AM I, A DOCTOR—OR A MOON SHUTTLE CONDUCTOR?!

Elon Musk Brainstorms More Ways to Help During the Pandemic

It’s an outrage that healthcare providers don’t have access to critical medical supplies, like masks with Bluetooth capability. Docs are treating sick people every day, but what about sick beats? See if we can spin up a model that can RickRoll patients when things get too heavy.

I am Andrew Cuomo's PowerPoint Presentation and I Will Save This Country

I will not and shall not be tainted by Comic Sans. It’s Arial. All-day, every day. If I am feeling saucy, then perhaps Helvetica. SOMETIMES ALL CAPS. If I am really trying to get a point across, those words will be colored. What color? •Butterscotch.

Have You Heard The One About President Trump?

With a gleam in his eye, the doctor jibes: “That’s true, Mr. President. But your brain is very unusual, because on the left side there isn’t anything right, while on the right side there isn’t anything left!”

Quiz: Have You Fallen Through a Magical Time Portal to Where You’re 17 Again, or Are You Just Self-Isolating Due to a Global Pandemic?

Everything feels totally out of your control so you’ve started making lanyard ankle bracelets. No one understands you except your cat/dog/succulent. You’ve started journaling. And more.

A Look Back on the Beatles, the Worst Band of the 1990s

“I Wanna Be Your Terminator 2” “With a Little Help from My Friends (Theme from Friends)” “You’re Gonna Lose That Macarena Girl” and more!

If the Candidates Could Debate My Own Problems

On Facebook, the world continues to forge relationships with obnoxious emojis at the expense of human-to-human contact and Harrison Ford is co-starring with a dog that doesn’t exist. How will you as president rein in the world’s growing artifice and bring back actual life to this country?

We’re Updating Our Privacy Policy to Allow Us to Watch You in the Shower

Whew, this is a long email. I bet it’s worn you out! Time for a relaxing shower to get the kinks out of those knotted-up back muscles. Which reminds us—you might want to get that mole on your shoulder blade checked out, the edges are a little irregular. And hey, you don’t need to shave everything. 

It Won't Clear Up, The Acne On My Chin Has Unionized

I’m sure this won’t come as a surprise, but I can’t use those fancy vibrating face cleansers either. The last time I tried, my chin pimples went on strike. They left their positions on my chin and angrily moved to my neck, which was somehow so much worse and weirder looking.

John Lennon’s Tweets Regarding Last Night’s Fallon Appearance

The cancellation of celebs knows no bounds.

You're a White Lady, Should You Call the Cops?

Before making a huge fool of yourself...embarrassing your family, your friends, and neighbors...check this handy guide!

Who Do We Have to Kidnap to Convince You to Reactivate Your Pinterest Account?

Do the right thing and give a little back after we’ve given you so much. To start saving Pins again, click the reactivation link below and we’ll call off the windowless van that’s about to pull into your driveway.

Welcome to The Lure, A New Coworking Space For Women Who Are Sea Hags

Apply Now: Fill out your application and chart a new course for your life! And while you're here, chart the course of that Caribbean cruise you've been dreaming about. The doomed won't feast upon themselves, ladies!

Cards Against Sean Hannity

We can all agree that 'Cards Against Humanity' is a nifty game, right?  We got to thinking,  though, and  came to the conclusion that, since Sean Hannity isn’t technically an actual human, he should get his own version of the game.  Only seems fair, we figure. So we took real Hannity quotes to make...

Six Times People Seemed to Be Leaving Their Tables at the Crowded Coffee Shop, But Were Not

11:00 a.m. A woman put on her Montreal Expos jacket, but she was just cold. On the bright side, neat jacket.

Little Women on Twitter

((Beth March @SewAwesomeBeth)) The ugly truth is: no one cares unless you’re pretty or dying... ((Meg March @RFLoverMeg: Sooo)) does that mean you’re on board for a makeover?