Posts

I Forgot to Tip My Mailman This December, and Now He’s Vindictively Redacting My Holiday Letters

When handing my holiday letters to the mailman, I realized I hadn’t tipped him. So I gifted him the only thing I had on me (the black Sharpie I’d been addressing the letters with). Since then, he’s been getting a lot of use of it…

Last Minute Stocking Stuffer Ideas

Can of protective / defensive Holiday Pepper(mint) Spray, Cursed glass eye, and more!

Avoiding No-Well

Mistletoes: similar to athlete's foot, an infection caused by wearing stockings not hung with care. It can be easily treated with a medicated tannen-balm.

CARTOON: All Shook Up

Naughty or naughty, baby. Today's cartoon by Vaughan Tomlinson.

Santa’s 9-1-1 Call Transcripts

Santa: The weapon used in the attempted murder were NON gluten-free cookies. AKA, a cookie that contained gluten. It’s basically poison.  911: A cookie is not considered a weapon. Sir, how is your mental state? How did you get in the chimney? Santa: A cookie is ABSOLUTELY an assault weapon, SIR, and I don’t appreciate you talking down to me. I am gluten-free, and the Smith family was trying to murder me with the cookies they laid out. This was a hit job from the people who started the War on Christmas.

Lesser Known Holiday Specials

Murder on the Polar Express: The kids are forced to solve the murder of Mr. Conductor with the help of Hercule Poirot, who just happens to be on the train.

Unanswered Hollywood Christmas Movie Want Ads

WANTED: Police detective still looking for Nike shoe salesman willing to make emergency delivery of size eleven sneakers to Nakatomi Plaza on Christmas Eve. Experience facing gunfire from East German terrorists preferred. Please contact Detective John McLane at 555-1464.

All I Want For Christmas Is YouPorn

Elf On A MILF; Stepmom Into Christmas, I Came Upon A Midnight Rear; Noggy Style- And more!

CARTOON: Tis The Season!

Get your Christmas (Halloween) candy! Today's cartoon by Carlos Greaves.

CARTOON: Wants

Toying with feelings. Today's cartoon by Steve McGinn.

CARTOON: Happy Hellidays

Saw that coming. Today's cartoon by Vaughan Tomlinson.

CARTOON: Gunny Grandma

Someone's been naughty. Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein.

Christmas Song Lyrics that Go Hard to Sell You a New or Preowned Vehicle

“We need a little Christmas right this very minute,” and you need a rebuilt aftermarket Hyundai Sonata in your driveway ASAP. A giant red velvet bow will cover most of the hail damage. (Bow sold separately.)

#HellishHolidayMovies

A Christmas Gory, Funeral Home Alone, The Satan Clause, and more #HellishHolidayMovies on this week's trending joke game!

Mrs. Claus' Dec 24th To Do (While Santa Is Away) List

Place Frosty's magic hat onto life-sized cardboard cut-out of Brad Pitt, hope for the best. Hose out Santa's "Naughty Dungeon". Deep down, he's a good man; we all have our vices. And more!

A Senator’s Holiday Gift Guide For His Secret Girlfriend

Following her back on Instagram from your official government account. Breaking it off with your second slightly more secret girlfriend. A dog. She needs emotional support from somewhere. And more!

Power Ranking The Best and Worst Mall Santa Laps For My Children 

#3 McKinley Mall: There was something off about this mall Santa but I couldn’t put my finger on it. So I placed my two cheeks on his lifeless lap and from that second I knew: this mall Santa was dead. Yep, a corpse dressed up in a Santa suit. It’s pretty unclear whether he died on the job or they had a hard time filling the role this Christmas season.

#CrappyChristmasCarols

All I want for Christmas is Poo, Doo you hear what I hear?, Jingle Smells, and more #CrappyChristmasCarols on this week's trending joke game!

I'm Yukon Cornelius, Aerosmith's Original Front Man

Being a Gemini, I’ve always been torn between being the center of attention and isolating myself in the stark abandoned wilderness. Truth be told, though I’ve found myself center stage in front of large crowds, my heart has always longed for silence and solitude. 

12 Festive Ways To Fire A Whole Bunch Of Employees Right Before Christmas

Hold an office Christmas tree lighting ceremony. Ask select personnel to hang their now-deactivated key cards as ornaments. Elves escort the terminated out before entertainment arrives.

Santa’s Most Surprisingly Requested Gifts

This Is Not A Vibrator!  Personal Massager: Comes packaged in a container with “This Is Not A Vibrator!” printed in bold type to let the others celebrating the holiday with you know that, in no uncertain terms, this personal massager is definitely not going to be used as a mechanical penis.

Cautionary Christmas Tale From Harry Ellis: Cocaine And Terrorists Don’t Mix

When I learned that Holly’s deadbeat husband, John McClane, was running around the building pretending to be Rambo, I knew I had to step in and broker a deal with the Euro trash who were holding us hostage.

CARTOON: OmniScrooge

Goosed! Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein.

The Collective Bargaining Agreement Of Santa’s Reindeer

8. Removal For Just Cause: Eating the presents, Eating an Elf, Any attempt to disguise oneself as Mrs. Claus and blackmailing Santa with provocative polaroids.

CARTOON: Rude Mood

That's nuts. Today's cartoon by Dan Misdea.

I’m a Christmas Elf and There’s Nothing Festive About My Legs Dangling From This Car’s Trunk

In a disheartening and disgusting twist of fate, it seems people are actually amused by the site of my nearly severed legs flapping helplessly in the wind. It taunts me to hear people’s giddy reactions to my plight: “Oh my gosh, look at those adorable elf legs! Isn’t that cute, they’re sticking out from the trunk. How festive!” What’s wrong with you, can’t you see I need help?

Seven Festive Medleys For the 2021 Holiday Season

You better watch out/ You better not fly/ You better mask up/ I’m telling you why/ Omicron is coming to town.

Your Holiday Streaming Guide

Chris-mas Cuomo-    When Santa finds himself in some hot water due to allegations of sexual misconduct from several elves in his employ, will his pal Chris Cuomo be able to save the day by working behind the scenes, gathering exclusive info at his job at a popular news network?     (HBO Max)

#FishAChristmasMovie

The Salmon Clause, Rudolphin the Red-Nosed Reindeer, It's a Flounderful Life, and more #FishAChristmasMovie on this week's trending joke game!

#HolidayASuperHero

Gho-Ho-Ho-ost Rider, Silent Nightcrawler, The Dark Knight before Christmas, and more #HolidayASuperHero on this week's trending joke game!

CARTOON: Believe

Giving til your hollow inside? Merry Christmas! Today's cartoon by Michael Shaw.

CARTOON: Evolution of Man & Fire

Sparks of wonder through the ages. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

CARTOON: Naughty Deployment

Most of this is just for The White House. Today's cartoon by Michael Shaw.

CARTOON: Lil Donnie Gifts

It starts early. Today's cartoon by Ron Hauge.

Truly Terrible Ways To Santa-Proof Your Home

Santa means well, but let’s face it, he probably spreads the coronavirus just as readily as Christmas joy; there’s no way that those elves practice social distancing in those tiny toy-making sweatshops. So, how to best, for the time being, keep that fat jolly eggnog sucker out of your house?

Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer and Other Family Mishaps That Ruined The Holidays

Cousin Gilroy got mugged by Eight Maids-a-Milking, Brother-in-Law Greg got visited by Three Tom Hanks’ of Polar Express’s past, and more!

Five Christmas Song Characters You've Never Heard Of

JIGGLING JANA ("Jiggling Jana", 2004): The phrase "Give me a J-A-N-A, and jiggle, jiggle, jiggle all day" is repeated constantly in this poignant story of an NBA cheerleader who tries to provide comfort to players who have a game on the 25th and are missing their families. Released on the poor-selling album An Emo-Rap Yuletide.

#HolidayAHorrorMovie

Night Of The Living Gingerbread, The Hills Have Elves, Nightmare On Elf Street, and more #HolidayAHorrorMovie on this week's trending joke game!

What Would Have Happened in the Cue-Card Scene from Love Actually if Peter had Opened the Door

Mark's plan went perfectly, but what would have happened if Peter had answered the door? We now know the answer thanks to this deleted scene, released in celebration of the 17th anniversary of the film. This alternate scene shows that Mark actually had a backup plan in case this very scenario occurred.

Now That's What I Call Christmas! 2020

Rudolph, The Disgraced Lawyer, All I Want For Christmas Are My Two Vaccines, Do You Fear What I Fear? And more!

Upcoming 2020 Holiday TV Specials

The 3 Wisemen Meet The 4 Horsemen (CMT, Tuesday Dec 15, 3 AM)- Animated special from the creators of The Proud Boys Introductory Guide To Dental Hygiene, voiced by a bevy of your favorite wrestling stars, plus Tim Allen as the voice of a wisecracking baby Jesus. (Some material may be unsuitable for those with an IQ of over two digits)

CARTOON: Holiday Chopping

They decorate them after the slaughter. Today's cartoon by Grayson Gibbs.

How to Have a Super-Traditional Hanukkah That Is in NO Way Like Christmas

Night 6: The kids complained that the Hanukkah Bush is too small. Race around your backyard trying to find something larger--oh look! It’s the evergreen that’s been growing outside your den for the past three decades. Hack it down, prop it up in your bay window, and emblazon it with enough twinkling Hanukkah miracles that it glows radioactively. It is the Festival of Lights, after all.

How the Mitch Stole Stimulus

Every Blue down in Blue-Ville loved stimulus a lot. But the Mitch who lived in the Senate of Blue Ville did not. The Mitch hated stimulus! The whole Covid season! Maybe because he believes socialism is treason. 

CARTOON: Wear Your Santa Mask

The 12 days of isolation. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

Hallmark Hanukkah Movies

Menorah or Less: Investment banker Ilan loses his money, his apartment, and his girlfriend when his firm goes under. He takes a job at a meal-delivery service where a late-night order for a pastrami sandwich leads him to Hannah who needs help saving her startup.

CARTOON: Christmas Caper

The perfect plan! Today's cartoon by Mike Shiell!

Santa Claus Arrested on 132 Million Counts of Breaking and Entering

Following the sting, it was also reported that animal control services was forced to capture and euthanize nine aggressive reindeer which Kringle had been using as personal transportation to draw his sleigh. One reindeer reportedly suffered from an inflamed nose which allegedly was still glowing for approximately 30 minutes following the euthanasia procedure.

Catholic Church Sends Cease and Desist Letter

It has come to our attention that The Church of Todd has been using characters and stories owned by the Catholic Church during its “Friday Night Kegger Services”. We have not given Todd consent to use Jesus, Mary, crucifixion, misery, guilt, or famine.

CARTOON: The First Regift

The original fruitcake. Today's cartoon by Michael Shaw.

It’s a Wonderful Life: iPhone Reboot

Black and white? 130 Minutes? Attend the five-minute tale of George Bailey’s very 21st century-style, collusion-filled downfall and redemption, with Siri at his side.

New & Improved Stocking Stuffers For Those On Santa's Naughty List

Small vial of bird flu, Flyer for local club where daughter works as an exotic dancer. Self-published booklet of inspirational sayings by your mom. And more!

A Manly Holiday Gift Guide of Manly Gifts for the Manly Men in Your Life  

A flask with a Mini-Flask Hidden on the Side of It. And more.

CARTOON: Festive Feeling

It's the little things. Today's cartoon by Ali Solomon.

Hey America! What Are You Leaving Out for Your Delivery Drivers?

“The ashes of democracy.” Facebook founder, Mark Zuckerberg

#CatAChristmasCarol

Santa Claws is coming to town, Do They Know It’s Catsmas, God Rest Ye Meowy Gentlemen, and more #CatAChristmasCarol on this week's joke game!

CARTOON: In Holiday Heat

That's not Rudolph's nose. Today's cartoon by Brandon Hicks.

Letters To Santa

When Santa writes back it's not always cheery.

CARTOON: Gift Of Thanks

Giving the gift of thanks. Today's cartoon by David Ostow.

Holiday Sacrifice Guide

For protection from storms: The wind and snow Gods are the by far the most difficult to appease – even our most revered shamans only guess right about half the time. However, it never hurts to sacrifice your fattest piglet just in case!

CARTOON: Lil' Mitchy with Santa Trump

They've had it too good for too long! Today's cartoon by Ivan Ehlers.

CARTOON: Naughty List

Off the record? Today's cartoon by Michael Shaw.

#HorrorHolidayMovies

Brains, Chains & Automobiles, Love, Hackually, It's A Wonderful Knife, and more #HorrorHolidayMovies on our weekly joke game!

Coming Soon! To That Place in the Strip Mall Where the Halloween Store Used to Be

The Divorced Dad’s Den: Drum Kits, Leatherette Sofabeds, & More!

CARTOON: Trump Xmas

Everything spins. Today's cartoon by Paul Lander and Dan McConnell.

CARTOON: Christmas Past

CARTOON: Baked Cookies

Nothing like freshly baked cookies. Today's cartoon by Kit Lively and David DeGrand.

CARTOON: Deck The Halls

Cartoon by Pat Byrnes.

Festive Methods Of Suicide

    The Ol’ Mistletoe over the exhaust…

CARTOON: Wall Funding

The Year Santa's OCD Ruined Christmas

He's making a list and checking it twice...he’s checking it again, just to be sure. Oh dear, the “t” on Robert’s name wasn’t quite crossed correctly. Better check the list again. It seems “Sally’s name has one “l” that’s not quite identical to the other “l”. He’d better create a new list.

The Weekly Humorist Guide To Gadget & Gizmo Gifts That You Have To Have In Order To Remain Relevant To Your Friends, And To Yourself

The folks at Facebook were toying around with the idea of calling this video communication system the Facebook Portal, but let's face it, we know what you disgusting perverts are going to use it for. So, the Facebook Porn-al it is.

CARTOON: Emoluments Claus

I want to make money from all of this. Can you pay me too? Today's cartoon by J.C. Duffy.

I Am the Peppermint Cookie From the Cookie Exchange That Makes All the Other Cookies On Your Cookie Tray Taste Minty

I am the peppermint cookie someone brings every year. I have likely been sprinkled or dusted or otherwise imbued with crushed candy cane. That crushed candy cane likely glistens. Perhaps I have an Andes candy baked and melted all up in my innards. For all we know I have been infused with some peppermint extract. No matter what guise I adopt this year, the result is the same. I am going to make every other cookie on your cookie tray taste like it’s been dipped in Listerine. The blue kind of Listerine.

CARTOON: Holiday Economy Flowchart

CARTOON: Christmas Spirit

Less is more. Today's cartoon by Mike Shiell.

‘Tis The Season For Eating Decorative Pine Cones And Falling On Ice

Nothing is more magical than winter. How does ice happen? Where…

The Grinch Can Keep Christmas This Year, I Am Tired

Every year we entertain the Grinch by playing along as he tries to ‘steal’ Christmas, but this year he can keep it–I am tired.

Letters Smuggled out from the Front Lines of Amazon’s Never-Ending Holiday Sale

How is Anthony? Is he grown? Does he have his first girlfriend yet? I hope the life-size 6ft dummy I sent with my last note was a suitable replacement for my non-attendance at his piano recital. We’re almost to hump day of Cyber Monday Deals Week, and I fear what will follow. I miss you and hold hope to return to see the family for our annual Christmas Celebration on January 14th

Holiday Maladies

LegNog: Most often caused by being bitten in the leg by a reindeer with lyme disease. And more.

Repurposing Halloween Junk Into Thanksgiving And Christmas Junk!

Leftover Halloween candy (yeah, right) can be used as Christmas…

“Toys For Tots” Goes Bust!

A newspaper typo turned a local toy drive into a major traffic…

CARTOON: Why Stop At Candy Canes?

The GOP's Holiday Caroling Set List

Rudolph The Ineligible, Pre-Existing Condition Having Reindeer Baby,…

CARTOON: Gluten-Free Santa

CARTOON: Lazy Santa

The Weekly Humorist Last Minute Christmas Gift Giving Guide

Moscow Mule Drink Set You know those popular copper cups that…

How the Trumps Botch Christmas

“It's Christmas at ground zero,
Now the missiles are on their…

CARTOON: Give the Gift of Political Music

Santa's Letters to Celebrities as Children

Hi Anthony, Thanks for the nice letter!   …

Holiday Carols for Mercury Retrograde

“I May or May Not Be Home for Christmas” I’ve been sitting…

The Dark Truth Behind Popular Christmas Songs, As Told By Supporting Characters

"Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer" As told by: Dasher Okay, let…

CARTOON: Jackasses-In-A-Box

Duck Dynasty crew to release Christmas CD “What Would Jesus Shoot?”

The cast of “Duck Dynasty” announced, for all their fans…

Office Christmas Party Rules That Reflect Current Sexual Harassment Concerns

No more placing the mistletoe above your crotch and referring…

Life After Simon & Garfunkel: Exchanging a Christmas Present

Art Garfunkel uses his considerable celebrity to exchange a Christmas…

BREAKING NEWS: Cable News See Nativity Coverage As Ratings Savior

Cable networks salivating at their ratings-grabbing replays of…

Useless Tinder Rip-Offs

Just in time for the horrible, lonely holidays! Here Come The…

It's a Wonderful Presidency

President-elect Trump is pacing inside the penthouse at Trump…

CARTOON: Holiday Outsourcing