There were no customers this morning. So, after dusting off the cardboard display promoting Judge Dredd, I started typing up this case on the typewriter up front, keeping one eye on the door and the register. It’s noon as I type this, and you still haven’t shown up. Think about that. There are two of us. Who is the best employee this month?

No Time To Die: "On the contrary, I'm afraid.   This 007 James Bond fellow would have more than likely died years ago, if not from cirrhosis of the liver, than from one of the several dozen STDs that he has surely contracted over the decades." 

The Godfather, Star Wars, Terminator, and more really lose their zippy taglines in this illustrated list.

To rob a bank, you don’t need a gun. You need heart. You also need an accomplice, a getaway driver, and nuns’ costumes like in The Town, from critically-acclaimed director Ben Affleck.

The cats in “Cats”: Without a doubt, the greatest ordeal of my whole career. They always say to never work with children, animals or Dame Judi Dench, and I wish to God I had listened. We could have simply used special effects to depict the titular felines, but Dame Judi had other ideas. Striving for authenticity, she ate only tuna throughout the shoot, pooped in a box and licked herself clean each morning.

Moby-Dick, by Herman Melville: First of all, love the title. Hilarious. Not everyone can do comedy, but Herman, you got the gift, man. Secondly, there’s some great bones in this idea. Crazy guy versus a big ass sea monster? Awesome. I dunno how I feel about it being a white whale, though. How about a giant shark? Or, better yet, some kind of alien robot that shoots lasers out of its eyes. Now we’re getting somewhere.

Interviewer: Exactly how much cocaine did you do in the 1970s? *Note: Bergmann stands up, proceeds to get a ladder, and climbs to the second to last step on the ladder, so he can hold out his hand and give an accurate representation regarding the height of a mass cocaine mountain.

HAVE YOU NOTICED an influx of fashionistas in your neigh­borhood? These newcomers and their fabulous everyday infinity scarves are so intriguing that you’ve already snatched a few strang­ers from their research vessel. But even though you were raised by alligators or gestated in a nuclear cooling pool, you understand that these encounters have not been on point.

Indiana Jones And The Temple Of Student Debt. The Gluten-Free Breakfast Club, Little Etsy Shop of Horrors, and more!

500 Days of Summer Might Convince People That Climate Change Is Real, There's Something About Mary That Makes You Think She’s the Kind of Person Who’d Fill Plastic Bags with Gasoline, Four Maskless Weddings That Led to at Least One Funeral, and more!

Popcorn butter pump doubles as butter flavored hand sanitizer. No heavy breathing during sexy scenes unless masked. And more!

National Lampoon's Animal Cave: What sort of hijinx ensue when humans are forced to live in caves with wild animals? The animals eat the humans, we assume.

Night Of The Living Gingerbread, The Hills Have Elves, Nightmare On Elf Street, and more #HolidayAHorrorMovie on this week's trending joke game!

Titanic: The ill-fated ship never ends up sailing because, well, COVID. Jack ended up just hanging out in Southampton continuing to make each day count, and playing card games that allowed him to maintain a safe social distance. Rose of course ends up married to Cal, but not without building a really impressive Pinterest board of wedding ideas first! It made for a really boring movie, but the ending is now unbelievably happy. 1,500 people got to live, and the marriage between Billy Zane and Kate Winslet produced some ridiculously good-looking children.

HOMEWARD BOUND: The SEAVER FAMILY’s three cats, CHANCE, SHADOW and SASSY, are abandoned at a ranch by mistake. Faced with making an inspiring, cross-country journey back to their loving owners, the three cats immediately give up and decide to become the property of whoever will feed them first. The Seaver family never see their pets again.

Menorah or Less: Investment banker Ilan loses his money, his apartment, and his girlfriend when his firm goes under. He takes a job at a meal-delivery service where a late-night order for a pastrami sandwich leads him to Hannah who needs help saving her startup.

Brains, Chains & Automobiles, Love, Hackually, It's A Wonderful Knife, and more #HorrorHolidayMovies on our weekly joke game!

“Fight Club” – Brad Pitt and Ed Norton turn out to be the same person – when it comes to their taste in room décor. The real first rule of Fight Club? “Do not talk about where you got that adorable area rug!” 

'How To Lose A Pie In 10 Days', 'Dove, Actually', '50 first cakes', and more #RomComDesserts!

Twins, and heirs to their family’s designer jean fortune, Bianca and Taylor are attending USC this fall on a full field hockey scholarship. The only problem? They don’t play field hockey. Now their mom is being indicted on charges of fraud and extortion.

From Here To Maternity, Raiders of the Lost Matriarch, 10 Things I Hate About Your Dirty Room and more #MomAMovie in this week's trending game!

I Spit On Your Gravy, Silence Of The Yams, Soylent Green Bean Casserole...you get it.

It was a spooky, suspenseful and sad boost of adulting this week on our Weekly Humorist Witty Wednesday Hashtag game! On @HashtagRoundUp powered by @TheHashtagGame. We trended #5 in USA and make it to Twitter Moments! Play our comedy hashtag twitter games every Wednesday at 11 am EST.

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