Go blonde. No, blonder. This one should be obvious, but we’re gonna go full Patrick Bateman on you here because we cannot stress “blonde” enough. Even if you’re one of God’s chosen few who possess natural blonde locks, you could still probably use the assistance of dye. There’s no such thing as too yellow or too platinum. Our boys love their towheads, and who can blame them? (Just don’t go too far into full-on white because then you’ll look old and, ew, gross, who wants to date that?)

Is this skimpy enough to attract desired attention, but not so skimpy that you won't be allowed into Golden Corral?

The Lust Boys, The Princess Ride, When Harry Wet Sally, and more #Slutty80sMovies on this week's trending joke game!

Frankenstein's Monster Exclusive Pantsless Twitch is Shocking! Plus, Best BBW- The Blob, Best Hot Body Waxing: The Werewolf, Best Who Definitely Love To Swallow- Zombies. Check out the best creators on the platform in OnlyFansgoria today!

Italian Wedding Night, Chicken and Humplings, Consummate, and more #SexySoups on this week's trending joke game!

Ballspice, MS-G String, Sinnamon, and more #SexySeasonings on this week's trending joke game!

The Starbucks Mermaid: My favorite kind of woman: silent and impossible to get pregnant because her lower half is a fish. She always keeps me coming back for more by running hot and cold. If I ever met her I’d tell her that my coffee isn’t the ONLY thing about me that’s grande. Rating: 8/10

Yankenstein, Sleepy Swallow, An American Werewolf in Linda, and more #HornyHorrorMovies on this week's trending joke game!

Clean Water Fetish: My oceans are filthy and this is all about making me clean, baby. I’ll beg you to dip your hands inside me and pull out the pounds of plastic blocking sunlight to my deepest depths. Yes, yes! Clean me with your plastic and trash removal machines!

Her cute new manicure is actually blood and gore from tearing out the throats of her enemies. She's been looking at David's Instagram photos without liking or commenting. And more!

Humplings, Legs Benedict, Flirt Steak, and more #LustyLunches on this week's trending joke game!

Don't even think about it, unless you have a coupon.

As far as sexy costumes go this year, you simply need to honestly answer one question: Can a hazmat suit successfully have cleavage? If so, you're back in business.

But as your relationship with taxes becomes increasingly intimate, you’ll learn that a tax season is as fickle as it is naughty. After you mail in your taxes you may never see that tax season again. I advise you to move on with your life.

SLEEP-INDUCING LAMPLIGHTER ROLEPLAY- Artist: Édouard-Léon Scott de Martinville: The French bookseller/inventor provides hushed descriptions of awkwardly mounting a ladder and lighting candles by means of a wick affixed to a long shaft.  The effect is as if the wick is miraculously thrust into the listener’s ear -- delicious shudders abound! 

Show Me Your Tetris, The Oregon Happy Trail, Assteroids, and more #VivaciousVideoGames on this week's joke game!

Whew, this is a long email. I bet it’s worn you out! Time for a relaxing shower to get the kinks out of those knotted-up back muscles. Which reminds us—you might want to get that mole on your shoulder blade checked out, the edges are a little irregular. And hey, you don’t need to shave everything. 

Let's get deep. Today's cartoon by Phil Witte.

Brains, Chains & Automobiles, Love, Hackually, It's A Wonderful Knife, and more #HorrorHolidayMovies on our weekly joke game!

Show your branches! Today's cartoon by David Ostow.

Use of trans-dimensional portal to visit Earth-2’s famous music and arts festival, Craig T Nelsonella. ($850 up charge)

Crazy Chill Jungle Juice Crazy Hump Wild Cherry …

Think Hans Zimmer playing Lion King at Coachella this weekend…

As our runway models age, we ask ourselves, “What do I do with…