A “Biological President” is naturally “male,” meaning an individual who has, had, or would have, but for a historical polo accident, the reproductive system that at some point produces, transports, and ejects sperm for exclusively male purposes, such as fertilization or so-called “sexual assault,” which is defined as the legal and victim-less playboy antics of a rogue, rake, or rapscallion.

All parent-teacher conferences will now take place inside a steel cage. School cafeterias will serve nothing but raw meat and protein shakes. And more!

ST. GEORGE MONASTERY (MONTENEGRO) Now this is what I'm talking about! Back in the day, St. George had the good sense to build his monastery on a picturesque little island off the coast of Montenegro in the Adriatic Sea. Looks like a good place to bring a catamaran. Now, supposedly, this place is not open to the public. But you're no mere tourist! You're joining up, remember? So slip on  your wetsuit, grab your longboard, and hang ten toward some inner peace, dude. Some Debbie Downers out there will tell you that this place is called the "Island of the Dead," but that's just because there's a cemetery there, not because of any zombie outbreaks. That we know of.

Let your voice be heard! Today's cartoon by Tyson Cole

Nightmare on Pennsylvania Avenue. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

Concepts of plans. An 8x10 of Kim Jong-un signed by his secretary. $5 gift card to the Trump Store in Gatlinburg, TN. And more!

It's Showtime! Today's cartoon Ali Solomon.

For each out and out, obvious lie that Trump makes, allow one tiny drop from a pre-measured eye dropper to fall into your mouth.   Just one, it’s going to be a long night!

No Extradition, No Problems. Today's cartoon by Harley Schwadron.

MSDECA: Make Seats at Drinking Establishments Comfortable Again! The radical owners who run these places, they’re doing horrible—horrible!—things: aluminum stools with no cushions, no backs, no footrests. Stools without any of that or the ability to swivel. You can’t even swivel, folks. Not good.

Did Trump say he was going to be “a dictator on day one” only a few months ago? Sure, he did. When he says his opponents are “vermin” who need to be “rooted out,” he’s definitely not echoing fascist rhetoric from Italy and Germany in the 1930s. He’s just testing out his latest Benito Mussolini impression before his residency at the Palm.  

It's getting to be a smaller and smaller world after all! Take the quiz!

Godzilla: Hey, when you think about destroying a corrupt town like Washington D.C., what comes to mind quicker than Godzilla?  Imagine Prez Trump’s head over Godzilla’s as he stomps through town screaming “MAGA” or “Sleepy Joe!” (depending on focus group feedback) and we can turn the fleeing populous into members of the Demon-cratic Party (pretty good, right? I just made that up now). I think we can use video from January 6th.  There’s a lot of footage there.

I was at the zoo. There was a baby rhino that wouldn’t drink its milk. None of the zookeepers were having any luck. Suddenly, a man emerged from the crowd that had formed. “Mind if I give it a shot?” It was Donald. He asked if I would hold his jacket as he climbed over the fence. He took that baby rhino, cradled it in his arms, and put the bottle in its mouth. As the rhino suckled, Donald caressed its head, and I could faintly hear him whisper, “It’s going to be okay, sweet one.”

Several books in this version of the Bible are presented Mad Libs style. Many more bits featuring Jesus hanging out with prostitutes. The Ten Commandments now officially designated as "fake news". And more!

She has 91 less criminal charges than Trump does. If by some miracle one of them actually lands him in jail she might then become the front runner. And more!

Unwavering Illusions. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

Travis Turkey: I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm very grateful... but it's really bizarre, frankly. I had definitely had way over the amount that night, and if anyone else walked away from the wreckage, I didn't see it. Admittedly, I was still pretty stoned, so things were a bit blurry. Really difficult to believe that I've been pardoned, all things considered. But as I said, I am grateful. Especially after causing all that damage on Jan 6th...

Presidential Power to Mugshot Hour. Today's cartoon by Brandon Kicks.

Sand trapped! Today's cartoon by Nathan Cooper.

Trump 20-24 years in prison. Today's cartoon by Lars Kenseth.

Orange you glad he got charged? Today's cartoon by Lars Kenseth.

Stand back and standy by. Today's cartoon by Ivan Ehlers.

I’m not saying the wheels are going to fly off your car, but I’m also not saying that. You can’t blame me that Jimmy’s mom Susan came in wearing a new blouse from Kohl’s and I got a little distracted. She just got out of the hospital last week. Looking real fine for 97.

Peedacted. Today's cartoon by Ron Hauge.

Grave prospects. Today's cartoon by Ron Hauge.

Just Shredful. Today's cartoon by Ivan Ehlers.

"Who Moved My Cheeseburger?" "Profiles in Cursing" and more!

Orange Juice is loose. Today's cartoon by Dave Whamond.

Build it back stronger. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

I can understand how you would get confused. “Gaslighting” gets thrown around so much these days that it can feel like it’s lost all meaning. But it is pretty strange that you keep saying you know what it means when everybody else disagrees with you. Literally everyone. I asked all of them.

A fly, Lo-Flo Toilet, A Bad Smell, Mitch McConnell's Hemorrhoid Pillow, and other manifestations Trump might return as.

Also the classic 'I Know You Are But What Am I." Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

'This is Orwellian', 'What Does Orwellian Mean?', 'No Really, Can Someone Explain It?' And more!

Just keep repeating it. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

Everything must go! Please, please just go! Today's cartoon by Paul Lander and Dan McConnell.

Decoding. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

And here we are. I don’t like to use the word hero (though I’m sure I will, many times, when I write my memoirs). I’m just a simple rat who knows right for wrong when I see it. And then, someday, after years of consideration, I finally choose to listen to the searing fires of my burning conscience. It’s what any good, patriotic rat would do.

25 B-7: Trump forced to live in a run-down condo with son Eric as a roommate, for a minimum of no less than seven years. 25 J-7: Louie Anderson to portray Trump in any / all future tell-all movies (this will drive Trump crazy!!). 25 N-2: The McRib? Gone forever, never to return. And more!

Alternate time facts. Today's cartoon by Joe Wos.

Creeple, Trolling Stoned, Poor Sports Illustrated, and more!

I'll make less of a mess. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

Get stuffed. Today's cartoon by Andrew Dicus.

Offer a choice. This will make him feel like he has some say in the matter, even though he doesn’t. “On the way home, do you want us to keep counting the votes in Pennsylvania or stop counting them?”

DANIEL: I refuse to concede! Prince Wednesday, I need you to hold a press conference to announce that all of the votes were illegal and I'm president. Book a venue, get me the Doubletree. PRINCE WEDNESDAY: You got it, DT.

Fascist Fairy Tales. Today's cartoon by Ivan Ehlers.

An authentic democracy strainer, A good ol’ fashioned hope chomper, An honest-to-goodness reason for cable news anchors to tap smartboards and say “What are we looking at?” when what we’re looking at is actually nothing, and more!

Text your vote to American Idol. Host a ballot reveal party. And more!