Posts

CARTOON: Barred Mueller Report

Barr totally read the Mueller Report, so you don't have to. Like CliffsNotes! Stop asking so many questions. Today's cartoon by Ivan Ehlers.

Jeanine Pirro Diary Entry on the Night Mueller Report Delivered to the DOJ

I’ve been suspended from Fox News for TWO whole weeks! I feel like I'm missing senior prom.

CARTOON: Commander In Tweet

Trump socialized media. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

New L'Oréal Cover Boy

Because you're worth it. Today's Pic Quip by Sarah Hutto!

CARTOON: Real March Madness

Which Cinderella story is making it all the way...to the final downfall? Click to see the full bracket! Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein.

Things About Beto That Bother Trump (Even More Than The Wild Hand Gestures)

That wife of his sure seems to like him an awful lot. Very suspicious...

Ted Bundy for President in 2020!

Google “Ted Bundy” + “charming,” and you get over 320,000 hits. If you think Cory Booker can match those numbers, think again.

My Signed Book Collection

David Copperfield by Charles Dickens: Signed by The Amazing Johnathan at a Magic Convention in Las Vegas in 2005. The line for the real-life David Copperfield was super long, and I was getting hungry.

Paul Manafort’s White-Collar Prison Blues

I’m going to white-collar prison, / And my gout’s worse than it’s ever been./ Why does this have to happen/ To a man with the color of my skin?

Emergency Press Conference: We Need to Stop Menopause Before It Destroys the Planet  

But Earth’s menopause has proved to me it isn’t fake—or it’s a really good fake. One of the best fakes. We need to ask ourselves this important question: why is another woman trying to punish us? What is she trying to get out of doing?

What You May Have Missed During The Michael Cohen Testimony

Cohen wasn't stymied by any of the questions, but rather simply distracted by the "Dress Your Own Baked Potato" bar that was being set up just off camera.

CARTOON: Degrading

Degrading. Today's cartoon by Evan Lian.

CARTOON: I'm Melting!

Don't go chasing waterfalls. Today's cartoon by Paul Lander and Dan McConnell.

CARTOON: Universal Emergency

And we thought Scroktux Cril was annoying! Today's cartoon by Kit Lively and David DeGrand.

CARTOON: Twitter Character

Twitter characters show character. Today's cartoon by Rich Powell.

CARTOON: Birdie or Bogey?

Can we wrap this up? I have a tee time. Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein.

White House Tour Excerpts

Probably the most offensive and glaring of the recent changes is the White House tour. Once a fascinating and enriching educational experience, the tour has become instead the ravings of a homeless madman who seemingly has wandered into the White House by accident

Other Things That Fall Under Trump's Definition Of A National Emergency

Lock on backstage door at Miss Teen USA Pageant, Sean Hannity not making enough direct eye contact through TV, and more.

CARTOON: Trump Valentine

Are you tired? Because you've been Russian around my head all day. Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein.

CARTOON: President Trump's Dog

CARTOON: Wallnuts

Allergic to both? Today's cartoon by Paul Lander and Dan McConnell.

The Climate Change Diet

Notice that shirt flares around buttons near belly. Consider switching detergents or using a cold-only cycle. Laundry is ruining your wardrobe.

What The Wall Will Actually Be Made Of

Former Trump Staff Members: Why not explore Trump's "human wall" idea further? A pile of former White House staffers would be just as good as your average fence (and no less transparent).

The Stain Of The Union Address: Rebuttal To Trump's Address By The Stain On The Carpet Of The Congressional Floor

Not really sure what I'm comprised of, although I do appreciate your inquisitive nature. Originally I believe that I was just a small dribble from a visual aid presentation used for a debate regarding stem cell research, but now, who knows? A bit of residue from a packet of Arby's Horsey Sauce here, a bit of massage parlor parking lot mud from Mitch McConnell's shoe there, and well, here I am.

Other Bullied Kids Trump Considered Inviting to the State of the Union

But who didn't make the cut this evening? There must be many, many unfortunate souls out there tonight just as deserving? They sit alone watching tonight. We have their names:

The Art of Perfecting the Closed-Lip SOTU Smile!

Nancy Pelosi has her work cut out for her at the State of the Union Address. She'll need to avoid Sen. John Kennedy (R-La.) because he told her to call "the wall" a “wangdoodle” and now she can’t stop reading Urban Dictionary. Also, she’s really hoping Trump doesn’t mistake Stacey Abrams for April Ryan. But mostly, she’s worried she won’t be able to keep to keep her mouth shut as masterfully as Mike Pence and Paul Ryan did at last year’s SOTU.

CARTOON: How Donald Trump Uses Executive Time

An illustrated guide to the important daily activities of our commander-in-cheese.

CARTOON: National State of Emergency

Frozen Putz. Today's cartoon by Ali Solomon.

More CLASSIFIED White House Leaked Info From John Bolton's Notepad

'Explain salad', 'Trap Pelosi in a cage', 'Wall made of CHEESE?' And more super secrets revealed on Boltons notepad.

CARTOON: NEW KIDS BOOK! 'All My Friends Are Indicted' by Donald J. Trump

If you are a fan of the bestselling "All My Friends Are Dead" series of books then you'll want to pick up this new book hot off the presses!

Romancing The Stone- Tips For Courting Roger Stone In Prison

Don't forget: You and Roger may have a solid prison romance, and it could very well be a beautiful experience, but he'll always... always... be Donald Trump's bitch.

CARTOON: Air Force * 1

One small change. Huge difference. Today's cartoon by Paul Lander and Dan McConnell.

Marine Corps General John Kelly Helps You Be A New and Better You in 2019

For your best 2019, call John Kelly now at the number below. I can’t make you the best you, but I think I can keep you from being the worst you, just by being around all the time.

Trumpism or Coachella Act

The Violent Left, Rude Elevator Screamers, Cash Cash and more.

Okay, So What Exactly Are In Those Putin Meeting Notes Stolen By Trump?

Putin had to agree to leave wrestling and McDonald’s alone before Trump would agree to dismantling America from within.

#ShutdownMusicals

Annie, Sell Your Gun, The Non-Producers, My Welfare Lady and more #ShutdownMusicals

CARTOON: Trump Decision Making

Here's some insight into Donald Trump's decision making process. Today's cartoon by Ivan Ehlers.

Trump's Helpful Tips For Furloughed Government Employees

I've heard that drugs can make you feel much better about things in general, so maybe take some drugs. But better do it quick, because as soon as that wall goes up, no more drugs in America!

CARTOON: Spinning Nixon

Gravely embarrassing comparisons. Today's cartoon by Alexis Novak and Jason Chatfield.

I Built This Wall Around My Custom-Made Birdbath Not Because I Hate Other Birds, But Because I Love My Own Damn Birds

How dare you even consider bathing in my stylish birdbath? I don’t care that you’ve flown hundreds of miles to enjoy my birdbath. I don’t care that you’ve endured endless suffering in the pursuit of a relaxing bath. Unguarded birdbaths are pipelines for all sorts of unsavory items like stray grains and low-quality worms.

It’s True That Demons Are Possessing Human Souls, But You Need To Change Your Tone

As a journalist who is doing the most important work in our democracy right now, I am concerned. Look, I get it, people are angry because demons are coming out of their lairs and possessing human souls, and you should be angry, but if you want to really make a change, you have to change your tone first.

CARTOON: The Wall

The Wall, signed, sealed & delivered. (If you play it backwards, it also can't believe Trump is president! ) Today's cartoon by David DeGrand.

CARTOON: Baby New Year

The beginning of the end? Today's cartoon by Ivan Ehlers.

CARTOON: Trump Xmas

Everything spins. Today's cartoon by Paul Lander and Dan McConnell.

CARTOON: Wall Funding

CARTOON: Emoluments Claus

I want to make money from all of this. Can you pay me too? Today's cartoon by J.C. Duffy.

Busta Dissident And 7 Other Rapper Names For Vladimir Putin

Vladimir Putin wants Russia to control rap music.  So, to give…

CARTOON: Trump Cover

Donald was pissed that he wasn't the Person of the Year for TIME Magazine. But another publication made him Person of the Century! Today's cartoon by Ivan Ehlers.

The Grinch Can Keep Christmas This Year, I Am Tired

Every year we entertain the Grinch by playing along as he tries to ‘steal’ Christmas, but this year he can keep it–I am tired.

CARTOON: Yuletide Ban

Today's cartoon by Kit Lively and David DeGrand!

TBA: Smockey Bear And 7 Other Official Changes In Spelling

Look for White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders to announce the following official changes in spelling to prove that Trump’s spelling ‘smoking gun’ ‘smocking gun’ wasn’t a mistake, just a preview of a new federal spelling policy.

CARTOON: Trump's Number 1!

Everyone knows Trump is "Individual-1." Mueller really lets him know! Today's cartoon by Ivan Ehlers.

Ivanka Trump’s Reflections on Hanukkah and Flipping on Your Entire Family

The First Night Hanukkah. The Festival of Lights. Ever since…

I Am from the Future and I’m Here to Sell You Magazines

Perhaps you would like to buy a package to Cosmo? You could learn all the latest tips to spice up your love life! I just wouldn’t try too hard. Abortion isn’t exactly going to be an option for you starting about…what is it, December?...three months from now. If you get Cosmo, you can also purchase a Sports Illustrated subscription for half the price!

Talk that Trump Jr. to be indicted by Mueller soon... Or, as Trump Sr. will say...

“Heard he wet the bed. He’s no Trump. Everyone knows we have hookers do that for us.”

Democrat House Of Representatives To Do List

Hispanic members of House and Senate no longer forced to wear sombreros. And more.

A Summary For My Class On My White House Internship

They tell me that, with how much they promote people, I could probably be running the EPA, HUD, or even state department by next summer.

CARTOON: You Lose! I Win!

I Call No Tag Backs! Today's cartoon by Ivan Ehlers.

Jeff Sessions' Updated Resume

-Advanced common-sense policies to protect nation from external and internal threats, such as gender fluidity, impoverished refugees, non-addictive drugs, and the perils of a modern, integrated society. -Consistently rated “Least Fuckable Face” by my boss, the president of the United States.

Everyone Gawking at Me at This Skate Park is Failing to Focus on the 47% of Bones I DIDN'T Break

I am so pumped! Yesterday was an amazing victory for me, as I attempted a very simple skateboard trick, flipped into the air a thousand times, crashed face first into the cement, and managed to not break 47% of the bones in my body. I think I speak for everyone -- from the girls at the skatepark who wept in horror at the sight of me to the paramedics who vomited when they saw my mangled body -- when I say HELL YES, this was a complete and total victory for me as a skateboarder and anyone saying otherwise is fake news.

CARTOON: Voter Turnout

When the best case scenario is the worst case scenario. Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein.

CARTOON: Migrant Caravan

Though, maybe avoid any large moving mobs for now. Today's cartoon by Ali Solomon.

The White House’s Kavanaugh Celebration Party

Sean Hannity has a VIP table in one corner. Alex Jones is here. His shirt is already off. Roger Stone is seen handing out small red flyers about an orgy he’s hosting the following night.

CARTOON: Trump Blimp in USA

Everything else, pretty accurate. Today's cartoon by Ivan Ehlers.

Reasons to Complain about Merkel

The immigrants. I mean she just let them in. All those…

CARTOON: U.S. Belabor Secretary

Everything is going amazingly well. So well. The best...Today's cartoon by Rich Sparks.

John Kelly’s Draft Letters of Resignation

Regardless, I will gladly see to the several outstanding issues under my watch before departing. To start, Sheila in Accounting has advised that there is no "hush money" designation in the system and indicated that one could not be created.

Terrifying White House Inspired Halloween Costumes

Sexy Mitch McConnell, Zombie Mitch McConnell, just Mitch McConnell. And more.

CARTOON: Mega Millions Odds

May the odds be ever in your favor. But, they really, really aren't. Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein.

CARTOON: Trump Stump For Ted Cruz

Nothing like getting endorsed by such a great pal! Today's cartoon by Ivan Ehlers!

CARTOON: Just Checking

Toss in a casino while you're at it. Today's cartoon by Ivan Ehlers.

News Stories You May Have Missed During The Kavanaugh Fiasco...

Nudists Not Allowed In Cake Shop, Birdhouse Projects On The Up And Up, and more headlines you missed!

Presidential Portraits

Kim jong ill-fitting suit, The Mandarin orange candidate, Stable genius, and more.

Drunk Cartoon: In Your FFFFFace!

Let's go streaking! Cartoon by Bob Eckstein.

Prizes For Trump Now That Winning Nobel Peace Prize is Kaput

Cracker Jacks ‘Prize Inside the Box’     That’s…

A Sampling Of Brett Kavanaugh's Home Brewed Beers

Small Wood Double IPA: A hoppy beer with nutty undertones and a strong hint of male entitlement. The presidential beer of choice. Sausage Fest Pale Ale: A favorite among prep school boys and GOP members of the House Judiciary Committee. And more...

LEAKED: The Full Set of Rules for Reading the FBI’s Kavanaugh Report

Inside the room are a series of objects that contain clues on how to unlock the box. Do not break any of the items to find clues. All items are on personal loan from Tobin and Squi.

CARTOON: Like Father, Like Bum

Today's cartoon by Pat Byrnes.

The VERY URGENT Presidential Alerts!

I heard what you said about me earlier today, and the secret service guys should be knocking down your door in 3... 2... 1.... Okay, ha, just kidding! But try to think before you speak next time, 'kay?

CARTOON: Presidential Alert

THIS IS ONLY A TEST! EVERYTHING IS PROBABLY FINE! Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein.

LEAKED: The White House Approved Kavanaugh FBI Interview List!

"David Dennison" Donald Trump Jr. “Bart O’Kavanaugh,”Anthony Kennedy and more.

As a Father of a Son, I’m Very Concerned About Recent Events

When my son is middle aged, will his long record of sexual violence in high school and college come to light, momentarily jeopardizing his seat on the Supreme Court? The indignity!

CARTOON: Minimum Requirements

You must meet these minimum requirements to enter. Today's cartoon by David DeGrand and Kit Lively.

11 Statements More Accurate Than "Boys Will Be Boys”

Girls Will Be Paid Less, Dick Pics Will Be Unsolicited and more.

Brett Kavanaugh's 1982 Calendar

{ Official Transcript of provided Brett Kavanaugh 1982 Calendar } July 10 – “Visit Yale, Remember Visine.” July 21 - "Hypothetical Plans" July 22 – “Buy gag dick” – (X’d out)

Drunk Cartoon: Hurricane Wall

This will be the wettest most watery rain we've had. Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein.

theSkramm: Girl, WTF?!? The World is Spinning OUT OF CTRL!

What, you're still here? Haven't you read enough of this horrible, disheartening junk yet? Don't expect me to pull you out of the dark hole you're about to fall into. I can barely hang on myself. Christ...

The Tremendous Space Force Planning Meeting

The next twenty-five minutes consists of President Trump going into great detail about what the Space Force line of toys needs to be. Action figures, shuttles, rockets, even a home base control room. Of course, the showcase of the toys is a super fit Donald Trump action figure in a glittering stars and stripes Mylar jumpsuit. The little guy is surprisingly pulling off those knee-high boots.

CARTOON: Final Request

This guy can't go anywhere anymore. Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein.

Cut Excerpts From Bob Woodward's 'Fear: Trump In The White House'

Bob Woodward's apparent vivisection of the Trump presidency,…

I Am Part of the Resistance Inside the Trump Marriage - by Anonymous

I married the President but I have vowed to thwart parts of our…

CARTOON: Guess Who?

Can it be a lot of people? Just one? Feels like it could be a lot. Today's cartoon by Ivan!

Does Jim Mattis Think You’re Smarter Than a Fifth Grader? and 11 Other TV Reality Shows a Post Presidency Trump Could Appear On

Who Wants to Be A Pretend Billionaire? We have a guess. Bob Woodward’s “Fear” Factor Anyone?

Inanimate Objects the GOP Might Nominate for the Mid-Term Congressional Elections

Orange traffic cone, Box set of Ted Nugent CDs and more.

What You Need To Know About Supreme Court Nominee Brett Kavanaugh

Trump based his endorsement mostly on the fact Kavanaugh's haircut reminds him of Judge Judy's...and more.

President Trump’s Labor Day BBQ Menu

Buffalo wings prepared with bald eagle rather then chicken Potato…

CARTOON: President Homer

Mmmmmmm Fudge........cartoon by Bob Eckstein and Kit Lively

New Requirements For Voter Registration Under The Trump Administration

Birth Certificate showing proof of birth in the US. If not born in the US, must be hot European model...

The New York Times Visits the Town That Votes for Donald Trump Again Every Day

And every day, the residents of this small town take a regimented break at noon to head to their local polling place and vote for Donald Trump, a man who is already president...

CARTOON: Trumpunzel

Trumpunzel, Trumpunzel, let down your...is that hair? Everything is fine, just tweet away! Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein and Kit Lively

Paul Manafort's To Do List

Set the DVR to record the next 7 to 10 years of The Bachelor, Have all of my teeth removed and replaced with razor-sharp, pointy steel teeth and more.

CARTOON: Drive-Thru

Nine cheeseburgers and a diet coke? Can you repeat that Mr. President?' Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein and Kit Lively

CARTOON: Agent Orange

So, What Exactly Do You Have To Do To Get Your Security Clearance Revoked By Trump?

Delete episodes of To Catch A Predator from his DVR ("Lots of…

CARTOON: Terms & Conditions

Trump Tweets: Bigly Badding Do-Gooders

 

CARTOON: Thoughts and Pears

  written by Kit Lively

CARTOON: Winnie The Pooh

CARTOON: Woke AF

The Stars of the 2016 Election: Where Are They Now?

If you remember back to what seems like 10 years ago, there were…

CARTOON: Flip

Sarah Huckabee Sanders Briefs the Media: “The President clearly meant you need id to buy groceries”

Before we start, I just want to note how disappointed I am in…

Radio News Round Up: Hello Kitty Bullet Train and Trump's Star On Hollywood Walk Of Fame

Weekly Humorist Radio News, Breaking News...Into Little Piec…

CARTOON: Trumped Shark Week

A Taste of Honeypot: One Senator’s Night with Maria Butina

So then, she says she’d like to discuss national reciprocity…

Half-Assed Apologies From Historic Leaders For Egregious Crimes Against Humanity

Pharaoh of The Exodus   When I enslaved the Israelites…

White House Revised List: Donald Trump’s Favorite Things

Favorite Golfer: Tiger Wouldn’ts Favorite Tongue Twister:…

CARTOON: Trump Brunch

‘Mr. Gorbachev add onto this wall’ and 6 other Presidential quotes Trump would have ‘fixed’ if he had been President

George Washington: I can tell a lie.  Cherry tree? What cherry…

Rejected Trump Balloon Concepts (after settling on the fat Trump baby)

Leering Trump balloon groping Garfield balloon. Trump…

Affirmations To Reduce Worry When The News Media Stops Covering #Kidgate 2018

By the time you read this, we will still be in a highly polarized,…

Michael Cohen’s Legal Flashcards

Questions to look up beforehand (see Yahoo Answers?):   Larceny Bribery…

Drunk Cartoon: Founding Fathers

CARTOON: Protest Profits

You can't argue with logic.

An Asylum Seeking Migrant Answers Tricky Office Job Interview Questions

They always try to get you with those trick questions.

President Trump’s Definitive Shortlist Of Supreme Court Justice Picks

This has potential to be the most surprising or least surprising thing you've read today.

More Trump Poems

Poetry is really one of the only truly beautiful things we have left.

CARTOON: Melania's Jacket

A Letter From Space Force Training

Hi Mom. Thanks for the note. I miss you too.   Things…

More Offensive Jackets Worn By Melania

Many were shocked and appalled by the First Lady’s lack of…

It’s Not the Holocaust Tho

ME: Separating families at the border is criminal. We can’t…

Donald Trump’s Hair to Announce It’s Transitioning Into A Quilt

The news just got a bit more hair-raising as it relates to the…

CARTOON: First Date

CARTOON: First Impression

Awkward, Horrible Places That Trump Has Tried To Turn Into Amazing Real Estate Opportunities

During his recent meeting with Kim Jung Un, President Trump marveled…

Overheard At The G7 Summit...

"G7? Aw, man... I could've had a V8!" "Hey, what's with…

CARTOON: Check Mate

TV Newscast from Bizarro World

Local TV evening six o’clock newscast INT. TV NEW DESK, LIGHTS,…

The NFL All New National Anthem Policy

The NFL announced a new national anthem policy today:   Players…

Trump Finally Saw Avengers: Infinity War

Looks like Trump finally saw Infinity War and he's got some tweets for his new most admirable and very best new friend Thanos.

President Trump’s Short List for Veterans Affairs Secretary

Popeye John Rambo Sgt. Slaughter Blade The…

PIC QUIP: Trump's Anniversary Gift To Mueller

Trump Gets His Parade

Some folks are born made to wave the flag Ooh, they're red,…

Trends in New Nostalgia

The hottest fashion trend making waves this summer…