Posts

CARTOON: Cheesy

The Secret's in the Packaging. Today's cartoon by Rose Anne Prevac.

CARTOON: Sign Wars

Yard of Discord. Today's cartoon by Jason Bentsman

Highly Probable First Words of Anxious Babies Immediately After Leaving the Womb

“Does this afterbirth make me look fat?”

Our Baby Is Going To Be Really Chill

I know what you’re thinking: What if the baby doesn’t sleep through the night? Umm, did you forget that our baby is going to be a chill baby? In the unlikely event that our baby can’t sleep, I’m confident that our infant will pop in his or her “Pure Moods” CD and read a few pages of Hemingway’s “The Old Man and the Sea.” before drifting off in no time at all.

The National Park Service Welcomes You, Maybe

If you decide to take a cute picture of your three-year-old feeding a hot dog to a bison, just turn yourself in to the authorities now. (We are the authorities.) Your toddler’s finger will not grow back.

Surprising Facts from My 23andMe Results 

Ancestry  Southern European – 62.3%  Northwestern European – 29.3%  Sub-Saharan African – 0.4%  Self-esteem – <0.1%  Butter – 1 cup 

#Live Tweeting the Wait Line for Slinky Dog Roller Coaster

Things are moving now!  We just moved up 5 places!  Oh, wait, it seems a family ahead of us passed out and are being removed from the line.  Still, we’re moving up!

CARTOON: Spot Color

Fierce Feline! Today's cartoon by Amelia Cossentino,

Scent Memories From the Last Time I Went Camping

Description: We watch as our family car is engulfed in flames. Someone at another campsite yells, “call 9-1-1!” Dad looks at me and my little sister for the first time since we arrived and says, “Your mother and I are getting a divorce.” Top Notes: Gasoline

A Press Conference Following My Dinner At Applebees 

Why did you go to dinner at Applebee’s? That’s something I kept asking myself during the dinner itself. I suppose the easiest answer is guilt. I hadn’t seen my mom in a while, and she asked if I wanted to grab dinner “somewhere nice,” which I took to mean like a steakhouse or something.

Father’s Day Grit Guide From 3M’s Sandpaper Division

420 Grit: A dope micro-grit for the hippie dad who keeps going out to the garage to “look for something” every couple of hours.

Fantasy Mother’s Day Gifts for Moms of Small Children Presented in Increasing Order of Implausibility

One full week of school which is not cut short due to a holiday closure, early pick up or communicable illness. And more!

CARTOON: Pornaments

Where's dad? Today's cartoon by Kit Lively.

I Saw Mommy Kissing the Easter Bunny (But So Did Santa Claus, Unfortunately)

You shouldn't judge my mother. She was a single mom working a full-time job and raising two small children. Of course, she found it difficult to date men who weren't put off or intimidated by the fact that she had kids. Perhaps it's only natural that she gravitated towards quasi-mythical holiday gift-bearing immortal figures like Santa Claus. He wasn't afraid of children, not in the least. We were the only reason he came around in the first place. That and the cookies.

9 Classic Cocktails for Dreaded Family Gatherings

Old Fashioned Passive Aggressive Barb: Served by your mother-in-law, this multi-layered concoction includes everything from your parenting choices to the fact you use avocado based mayonnaise and returned a shower gift nine years ago. Top with a maraschino cherry, unless that’s “not organic” enough for you.

CARTOON: Tethered Traditions

Uncut for life. Today's cartoon by Alex John.

Our Family Faces Many Challenges Inside This Closed Garage

OK, honey, we get it. You’re saying that the issue of the rising CO1 levels in our closed garage is very important to you. And we appreciate that you’re passionate about it. Try to remember that everyone in this minivan has issues that we care about and think are very important. They can’t all be first, so let’s take them one at a time, OK, sweet pea? Good.

I’m Sorry for Wearing a Sexy Nurse Costume to Your Event But It’s Kinda Your Fault for Having It Close to Halloween

I’m sorry I invited 10 random people to your private family and friends shindig and told them it was going to be a rager. I’m sorry they showed up.

CARTOON: Most Toxic?

Not even close Gary, not even close. Today's cartoon by Lynn Hsu.

Last Minute Budget Summer Vacation Suggestions

PruneFest! Spend an idyllic summer afternoon in the company of friends and loved ones, savoring the sweet scents and flavors of a wide variety of prunes, prune jams and jellies, prune wine, plus workshops on using prunes to improve everything from your chi and sex life to sleep patterns.  Look out for Pruney Paul and his green basket of prunes, it's all he eats and it shows (smells)! As usual with this particular event, porta-potties are in high demand yet short supply, so please plan accordingly.

Jabba the Husband

(This is Jabba the Hutt’s middle class, suburban life.  We see Jabba as a bedraggled commuter, with loosened tie, squashed fedora and a newspaper under his arm.) “What a day I had. You know that servant girl in the gold bikini?  She tried to strangle me! Then three guys and this big dog blew up my floating palace.” “Poor baby,” said his wife, Jenna the Hutt.  She gave him a big wet sloppy goopy stringy kiss on the forehead.

CARTOON: Bed Dread

Clown frown? Today's cartoon by Tyson Cole.

If Only My Immigrant Great Grandfather Could See Me Now, He’d Say “Where Am I?”

"One minute I’m resting peacefully and now I’m dropped here without explanation. And I really don’t know why you keep giving me children. It’s not a good idea to hand your children to someone you just met. Do you understand me? I don’t know what’s happening right now. What is the train schedule? I need to leave. I don’t want to be here.”

CARTOON: Beach Buds

Fleeting friendships. Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein.

CARTOON: My Four-Year-Old Rates Cups

This will effect your tip. Today's cartoon by Rachel Deutsch.

Road Trip Stops You Won't Want To Miss!!

Apples & Bees, Shappalap, OK- Not to be confused with the popular chain of bar and grill restaurants located throughout North America, Apples & Bees is instead an apple orchard that is open to the public, but also plagued regularly by swarms of bees.

CARTOON: Dark Dad

Family Secrets! Today's cartoon by Vaughan Tomlinson.

FAQ About My Brother-in-Law Absolutely Destroying My Toilet

When talking to my brother-in-law about the toilet he absolutely destroyed, I am bound by family honor. On the other hand, when sharing my experience with strangers on the internet, my allegiance lies with my felled toilet. I am handling both situations with aplomb.

Upcoming Family Interventions

Uncle Frank: We’ve survived three Trump Thanksgivings. What we cannot stand for is you now finding God. Location: If you get vaccinated, your favorite restaurant.

CARTOON: Family Tree

A wood it kill you to call? Today's cartoon by Dan Misdea.

You're Leaving The Playground All Wrong

Wait, why is your toddler yelling that you’re a stranger who’s trying to lure her out of the playground with candy? Did you hear that - your daughter used the word “lure.” She has a GREAT vocabulary. Oh, right, not really the point. Take her hand and start walking out of the playground. No, she shouldn’t be screaming like that. Oh wow, that’s a lot of cop cars. 

Updates on Your Dad’s New Year’s Resolutions

I'm already so much better looking than all of my friends, do I really want to be in better shape, too? I tried flossing every day, but you said I was embarrassing you in front of your friends. And more!

CARTOON: World Wide Worst

Starts somewhere. Today's cartoon by Drew Panckeri.

CARTOON: Rude Mood

That's nuts. Today's cartoon by Dan Misdea.

CARTOON: Game Night

They grow up and crush you so fast. Today's cartoon by Drew Panckeri.

CARTOON: Cyber Monday

Shocking excitement! Today's cartoon by Tyson Cole.

What Your Favorite Thanksgiving Dish Says About You

Stuffing: Nobody likes you, but no one wants to admit it because we all feel like you need to be there even though you kind of suck. Turkey: You basic bitch. Jello Mold: You're a suburban aunt. And more!

Everything On This Thanksgiving Table Is Made From Goldfish® Crackers

The turkey guys! You smell it? Smells, just like the real thing — and bet you’ll never be able to tell it’s made entirely out of Pretzel Goldfish®. But the secret’s in the sauce, folks — there’s nothing a Nutribullet can’t liquify. Six-packs of Disney Princess x Goldfish®, one pack of beer, and bits of Grandma Lottie’s heirloom china make the best, foolproof gravy.

No, I Don’t Have A Gambling Problem And Here’s My Bank Statement From My Family Trip To The Carnival To Prove It

Milk bottle game: –$3 Milk bottle game: –$3 Milk bottle game: –$3 Attempt to pay off the carnival game worker: –$25

Doesn’t My Stupid Ass Grandma Know About Inflation?

Despite my Grandma’s success, everlasting legacy, and laundry list of accomplishments, her dumbass has been ignoring the fundamentals of economic inflation and giving me the same $20 dollar check for my birthday since I was six years old. And it’s time she got put on blast for it. 

Amendments to Your Wedding Guest List From Your Mom

Remove: The Caterers You’ve Hired: Tell them they won’t be needed, or welcome. Your Nonna said she would take care of all the food and that a family meal would be her wedding gift. She’ll unfortunately be stirring the gravy during your ceremony, so you’ll have to get married again at a later date for her to watch. Maybe the second time can be in a church instead of on some bucolic estate?

CARTOON: Gravestones, As Written By Your Parents

Dignified descriptions. Today's cartoon by Jake Goldwasser.

I Can’t Be Trusted Alone with You, JOANN

Of course you immediately start tempting me by pushing your perfect pair of scissors in my face and CUT MY PAPER HEART OUT—THEY’RE ONLY TWELVEBUCKS! I love you, JO. Mmmm, show me that mixed media paper you know I like, baby. OH, JOANN, 20% off!? How can you be so good to me? With all these glues to choose from it’s no wonder I’m stuck inside you again! You make me want to be so much more than an artist. You make me want to be a BAD artist.

Travel The Safe Way This Spring Break: In A Covered Wagon

Experience America the way the early Americans did: in a covered wagon, a.k.a. the Conestoga wagon a.k.a. the prairie schooner! Our covered wagon partners will cart you and your family wherever the heck you’d all like to go. Just bear in mind, covered wagons have way worse heat than your old 1982 Toyota Corolla wagon, and we won’t be held responsible for frostbite. No smoking or open fires allowed in wagons.

CARTOON: Passover Plated

Tears of isolation, some bitterness, and more!

CARTOON: Dinner Time

Too cool to eat with your parents? Today's cartoon by Jake Goldwasser.

CARTOON: Fur Tree Folks

Don't get all sappy. Today's cartoon by Ali Solomon.

Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer and Other Family Mishaps That Ruined The Holidays

Cousin Gilroy got mugged by Eight Maids-a-Milking, Brother-in-Law Greg got visited by Three Tom Hanks’ of Polar Express’s past, and more!

CARTOON: Time Off?

Home is where we always are. Today's cartoon by Ali Solomon.

CARTOON: Thanksgiving Simulator

Feel like you are really there! Today's cartoon by David Ostow and Ellis Rosen.

Despite the CDC’s Warnings, I, Hannibal Lecter, Expect to See You at my Thanksgiving Dinner

You will have to wear a mask. Diseased meats taste worse. And we don’t want the pigs to taste badly.

I'm the 47-Pound Raccoon That Goes Through Your Trash Every Thanksgiving, and I've Decided to Stay Home This Year

I want you to know that this was not a decision I came to lightly. It was only after a long discussion with my 53-pound raccoon wife and our seven 25-pound raccoon children that we have decided to decline your kind offer to spend Thanksgiving with you and yours. You may not remember extending an invitation, but the untouched casserole Larry threw out the window when you weren’t looking did all the talking. 

NEWS BRIEF: Grandpa Zoom

Weekly Humorist News Briefs: Breaking News, Into Little Pieces.

My Aunt’s Facebook Status Election Coverage

Have I ever mentioned how much I hate squirrels? I swear they’re taking over this country. Vote to keep out the squirrels! HAHA. I pepper spray them and they don’t even move.

Pandemic Or Treat: Making The Most Of Your Halloween During COVID

As far as sexy costumes go this year, you simply need to honestly answer one question: Can a hazmat suit successfully have cleavage? If so, you're back in business.

How’s It Going? A F.A.Q.

Q: How’s it going? A: The standard answer “as well as can be excepted” applies, although this may fluctuate slightly on a day-to-day basis. Things that can influence how well things are going on any given day include exercising, sex (or lack thereof), looking at real estate listings, level of news consumption, and which of our national institutions are falling apart.

COVID-19's Kitschy Bumper Sticker Phase

Honk if you have Antibodies! And more!

CARTOON: Wipe Out

Want that TP beary much. Today's cartoon by John Anglin.

Affirmations Written By Your Dad

You create value in other people’s lives and debt in mine. You are the architect of your own life, but not a real architect like your brother. Did he tell you about his promotion? And more.

Six Landmark Agreements of the Miller Family

The Streaming Accord: Tara is entitled to a total of six hours of Netflix per week. She will be allowed additional Netflix consumption in the following unique circumstances: she’s in a bad mood, it’s raining, Mom and Dad are tired, she’s sick, somebody else is sick, she’s crying, people are over.

One-Minute Coronavirus Mysteries

Yesterday morning, you baked a loaf of chocolate chip banana bread.  This morning, there was no chocolate chip banana bread left.  Why? (A: You ate the entire loaf last night in six minutes while ugly-crying about the future of humanity.)

Talking’ Bout My Veneration

The whole tragic, last days of Christ had been imprinted on our our little Catholic brains since Kindergarten. Images of that poor, super-skinny dead man, hammered into splintery wood, with prickers on his bleeding head, were so commonplace that, by age eleven, looking at it was about as troubling as looking at a hamburger.

Classic Dog Films, Starring Cats

HOMEWARD BOUND: The SEAVER FAMILY’s three cats, CHANCE, SHADOW and SASSY, are abandoned at a ranch by mistake. Faced with making an inspiring, cross-country journey back to their loving owners, the three cats immediately give up and decide to become the property of whoever will feed them first. The Seaver family never see their pets again.

Jimmy Buffet Song or How I’m Explaining the Divorce to My Kids from Inside the New Akron Margaritaville

1. A Pirate Looks at Forty 2. Pencil Thin Mustache 3. Changes…

CARTOON: Catbird Seat

Purrrfect. Today's cartoon by Bill Thomas.

A Toddler’s Etiquette Tips For Extricating Oneself From Boring Small Talk at a Party

Hand them a piece of clay that looks too much like poop and whisper, “I made this for you,” then disappear while they try to decipher it. 

10 New Year’s Resolutions Written For You by Your Jewish Mother

Read a book once in a while. I swear – if Instagram didn’t have captions your generation would be illiterate.  

Other New Peloton Products To Improve Every Person In Our Lives

Peloton Noisy Chewing Volume-Lowering Kit, and more!

PIC QUIP: Give Thanks

Give Thanks, because in an alternate timeline, we are gathering with our loved ones, and eating live pythons. Happy Thanksgiving from Weekly Humorist!

#ThanksgivingACocktail

Sex On A Feast, Thanks gining, Vodka Giblet and more #ThanksgivingACocktail on this week's joke game!

This Word-of-the-Day App Chooses Vocabulary Specifically for You!

Perturbed: troubled in mind: feeling or showing agitation. (Merriam-Webster, 2019) Example Sentence: College-educated women from your age bracket often feel perturbed by their inability to find a life partner. 

#HorrorHolidayMovies

Brains, Chains & Automobiles, Love, Hackually, It's A Wonderful Knife, and more #HorrorHolidayMovies on our weekly joke game!

CARTOON: Kinder

Feeling set up? Today's cartoon by Mat Barton & Adam Cooper.

Bathroom Remodeling Secrets

  There’s no such thing as a dream bathroom, just…

Dear Family, I’m Marrying The Green Lady M&M

Afterward, shuttle buses will take guests to the reception to be held at the estate of Bartholomew Richard Fitzgerald-Smythe aka Mr. Peanut. Dinner will be catered by Chef Boyardee himself and desserts provided by the Keebler Elves. (And yes, Ms.Green can eat chocolate. It is not cannibalism! We’re made of meat and eat pork. Same thing!!)

Tips for Closing Up Your Summer Home 

Did the neighbors see anything? Do they know? What is seen can never be unseen, but dead mouths tell no tales. Act accordingly.

CARTOON: Baby Burp

Work Risks. Today's cartoon by Kit Lively.

CARTOON: Spice of Life

We might be in a rut. Today's cartoon by Ellis Rosen.

Mister T Cups and Other 9 Rejected Theme Park Rides

Splash Mountain of Debt, The Tunnel of Courtney Love, Thunder Thighs Mountain and more.

Out Of My Way, We’re Boarding the Same Flight

I have a small personal item such as a laptop computer, iPad or E-reader. Actually, I have a laptop, iPad, and E-reader. I also have an iPod. Remember those? I have no idea why I have it, but I will drop it at least once during the flight, after drinks are served, and will create a ruckus to retrieve it.

A Parental Guide To The Wertz Thanksgiving

Parents have been using the HAA (Holidays Association of…

Haunted Houses for Dads

This haunted house is filled with socks. I can handle this, you think, I love socks! You sift through the piles and a vague feeling of dread envelops you as you realize there are no white crew socks anywhere. Only ankle socks and no-shows. All garishly colored. You look down at your feet and your white crew socks are gone. Replaced with ridiculous-looking, no-show socks that are…blue? What the hell? You grab a hideous sock from the pile that is threatening to engulf you and stuff it in your mouth to quell the screaming.

Welcome to Greg & Jackie’s Wedding Site—Fuck Yeah!

Welcome to Greg & Jackie’s Wedding Site—Fuck Yeah! August…

Fun Indoor Games to Play with Your Children While the Earth is Melting

This May was the hottest May in recorded history for the entire…

Regional Variations on S’mores

There’s no snack more quintessentially summery than s’mores.…

Talkward w/ guest Tyler Gildin

This episode of Talkward welcomes guest Tyler Gildin! Tyler is…

Sacrificing My Son Has Made Me Into An Instagram Star!

After giving birth to Tucker I was filled with an unbridled,…

Worst Vacation Roadside Attractions

Tovar's Wide World Of Raisins:   What seems initially to…

Things You Say to a Dead Loved One OR Your Kid When They’re at Sleep Away Camp for the First Time

We miss you terribly. Are you making…

In the Event One of the Kids Becomes Patient Zero, and Other Job Requirements at a Children’s Entertainment Franchise

We’ve been the source of quality family entertainment since…

Quiz: Megachurch or Megamillions?

This institution is designed to suck money from hapless…

Jokes My Sister Won’t Let Me Tell in a Toast at Her Wedding

It’s heartwarming to know that even in these tumultuous times,…

CARTOON: Heaven

Is This Eulogy A Bad Time To Announce That I'm Running For Office?

Dearly Beloved, We are gathered here today to honor the memory…

Man In Wyoming Builds Family A Nest

ELK MOUNTAIN, Wyoming – Wade Truesdale was proud of the house…

Stop Saying "Turkey Day" and Use One of These Other Thanksgiving Nicknames

The Great Cranberry Cotillion Carb Christmas Yelling…

We Got You This Beautiful Charm Bracelet For Mother’s Day

Mom, we love you so deeply that this Mother’s Day we got you…

"Oh Crap! It's Mother's Day" 14 Last Minute Gift Ideas

Who has time to bake a cake? Little Debbie, that's who. Social…

Vacation Hotel Tips!

1) Most inexpensive motels don't have room service, but that…

Today’s Applied Math Lecture

Today, class, you’re going to learn about the Knaster procedure.…

For Our Wedding We’re Registered For All the Items We Destroyed During the Blowout Fight We Had While Registering at Bed Bath and Beyond

We’re officially less than three months away! Eeeep! It’s…

Thanksgiving Family Conversation Starters

"So, let's all take turns saying what we're thankful for, and…