I know we all get too much spam (my house is still filled with the recent political campaign scrolls from Pontius Pilate). So I’ll post roughly every two weeks — just enough to get us through my planned 28 posts before it’s Jesus’ birthday again and this time for you to ask “But what exactly is frankincense?”

O Horny Night, You're a Mean One, Mr. Hinge, Sad Old Broad is Coming to Town, I Want a Hypnotherapist For Christmas, and many more!

Alternate Contact: Hello, and thanks for your message. I’m away from the office until January 20th, 2029 with no email access. Your message is very important to me, even though most of you have no clue what I’ve done for the last 250 years. For general inquiries, please contact The Constitution in my absence. Thanks, Democracy

Any trips to the restroom will be an additional $20 ($35 if pooping or vomiting) Crying babies are an additional $1 per minute of crying, and more!

Dancing with the Tsars, and more!

I haven't really felt in the mood these days. It's embarrassing, but to be perfectly honest, with the election coming up and everything, I've been so stressed out it's affecting my....performance. I haven't been able to muster up significant cloud coverage, never mind generate any actual precipitation. It's been so long I'm pretty sure the next time I encounter a shift in wind speed, what should be a little drizzle is instead going to result in a brief but intense downpour. It's not you, it's me and too much built up atmospheric pressure.

Unfortunately, I've been unable to book you at another hotel in San Juan or all of Puerto Rico for that matter. Not even a Motel 6. Although you do have an offer from a Waste Management union in Puerto Rico who said they'd be "happy to offer you a smelly mattress in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean" with an offer to take you there by boat.

I apologize to all the shoppers who were enjoying Chris Martin’s masterpiece ‘Viva La Vida’ until a robotic voice ruined the flow with, “Customer service needed in the skin care department.” But I need this body wash—and, honestly, fungal cream, as well. Once they unlock the body wash, I’m also going to ask them to unlock that case for me. I’d rather not hit that button and alert the entire store to my toe thing.

Ghosts: I think we’re all tired hearing about ghosts and spooks and poltergeists running around haunting people and places.  There’s something the Deep State needs to take care of.

Decorative Inflatable Witches Can Be Embarrassing From Certain Angles, and We Need to Acknowledge That.

Dear Diary, the cute guy (Mark) that has been texting me about unit 1F seems really interested. He might even stop by tonight! I know it seems quick, but I have a good feeling.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with faking your own death and hiding from your family.

This shop is dedicated to helping regular folks who realize that the war isn’t coming, brother. The war is already here. So, grab your tinfoil and suit up. Semper Foil

Social Climbing, Coattail Riding, Polo (Wearing) and more!

Look, James Patterson may have his name on more books, but that doesn’t mean he writes them all. I still write every word myself and sexually fulfill every librarian who wants a ride.

Jolly Fish: A young but brilliant marine biologist discovers a method of making jelly fish as docile as pets, but things go from bad to worse when the jelly fish begin humping legs.

SCILSOF:  Second Cousin I’d Like to See on OnlyFans LDFFWILGPMETS: Long-Distance Friend of the Family to Whom I’d Like to Give a Platonic Massage that Eventually Turns Sexual And more!

Brat girl summer? What a pitiful display of mediocrity, inspired by an album that can only manage a third-place debut. Embracing imperfections and chaos is the creed of the weak, not the mighty. Doom does not settle for low-res Arial fonts and lime green backgrounds either. This trend is as fleeting and insignificant as the summer breeze.

Don’t bother entering any costume contests. They’re all rigged anyway. Never cut in line. Your fellow nerds will pouch on you like a limited-edition comic book! Please use deodorant!

I can’t die yet. I need more time. Must…click…keep…watching. My regrets if I go??? Not watching Peaky Blinders. Not watching Outlander. Not watching Snowpiercer.

Premi$e$MayNotBUsed4film$hoot$ WeCountTowels DontsharethisPWDwithLocalLowlifes And more!

Out, but what does that mean? Sun interference, but you still blame yourself, Home run, but it still doesn’t leave you fulfilled. And more!

The Old Man and the Sea: (When you want whatever the elderly man next to you ordered, and it's a tuna-salad sandwich)

Be sure to mention they’re in a “better place.” Earth sucks, so this is true for everyone.

If you decide to take a cute picture of your three-year-old feeding a hot dog to a bison, just turn yourself in to the authorities now. (We are the authorities.) Your toddler’s finger will not grow back.

“The Apostles 33” That’s right. Thirty-three, AKA The Jesus Age. Dying at 33 could mean one of two things: 1) you’re a nepo-baby whose father’s fame gave you some perks and entitlement that ultimately got you into trouble in the end. The proof of this continues with Carolyn Bessette-Kennedy, daughter-in-law of John F. Kennedy, who tragically passed away in a private plane crash at this age. The second thing this could mean is that you are fucking hilarious. The curtain closed during Act 33 for comedy geniuses John Belushi and Chris Farley, so if you’re 33 with an elite sense of humor I would consider it a full-on hex the next time someone comments “Dead.” on your funny Tik Tok.

11 a.m. Welcome Address from Our New Chancellor (Campus Center) - …And that New Chancellor could be YOU! We will have a Hunger Games-like drawing to decide who will run the college. Your responsibility will include figuring out what to do with the protests, explaining to the media AND parents our point of view (your call as to what that could be), and what we (you, again!) plan on doing going forward.

Life is an orgy and I wasn’t really invited, but showed up anyway.

Ancestry  Southern European – 62.3%  Northwestern European – 29.3%  Sub-Saharan African – 0.4%  Self-esteem – <0.1%  Butter – 1 cup 

Nelson- Oak Meadow • 3 days ago: This may seem a little random, but does anyone have any spare uranium?  My package delivery was looted by porch pirates.  My reactor will be ready to go online on Thursday and I'm short about 50 kilos. Rod - Chatsworth Palmer: My buddy might have plutonium. He used to work at the DOE. Will that work?

Rage Against the CPAP Machine, The Villages People, The Bald Eagles, and more!

Lady Liberty Labia Lance, Beaver Balance Beam, USA FUPA Finder, and more!

I was at the zoo. There was a baby rhino that wouldn’t drink its milk. None of the zookeepers were having any luck. Suddenly, a man emerged from the crowd that had formed. “Mind if I give it a shot?” It was Donald. He asked if I would hold his jacket as he climbed over the fence. He took that baby rhino, cradled it in his arms, and put the bottle in its mouth. As the rhino suckled, Donald caressed its head, and I could faintly hear him whisper, “It’s going to be okay, sweet one.”

By not agreeing to our terms, you agree to our terms. By clicking this box without reading our terms, you admit to being a first-class liar. And more!

Is it...Measles, Shingles, Bubonic Plague, Justinian Plague (making a comeback) Or more!

As I handle mementos around my house, they bring up recollections from many years ago. The movie-ticket stub that I found and fished out of a public garbage can. The program from a play that I found and fished out of a public garbage can. The public garbage can that I carried home in case anything else interesting was in there. Now I use it to store my mementos.

Next we’d like to invite military personnel to board.  We’ll start with our active duty service members.  No one?  Okay, we’ll move on to veterans of the four main branches.  Only two people?  In that case, we’ll open it up to the Coast Guard, January 6 insurrectionists, and veterans of the War on Drugs, War on Women, and War on Christmas.  Thank you for your service!

CALPURNIA: Husband, please. I had a premonition—your statue drenched in blood. CAESAR: The blood of my enemies, no doubt! Thank you, that’s a nice confidence-booster.

Well, well, well, it seems I’ve finally gotten my 17ish minutes of fame, hovering juuuust at the bottom of the frame while ol’ Mama Bear vocal-fried up a hot platter of American Carnage Lite for the public. And let me tell you, as the surface upon which Katie has served that dinner she worries about at 2am for longer than I like to admit: what you all saw tonight is just the tip of the straitjacket. 

Making Healthy Choices: DO order your salad dressing on the side / DON’T order your salad dressing in a bowl with a straw

Beer Yoga: Nothing wrong with a little hair of the downward dog. You risk getting too woo-woo at these spiritual thingies unless you bring a couple cold Bud Lights to bring you back down to your Midwestern roots. Plus, the booze will deffo give you the extra confidence boost to hit that headstand at the end of class while all the other losers are laying down for that dumb sleeping part. If you can’t find a Beer Yoga class listed in your area, you can always bring a forty in a brown bag to the free park yoga class nearest you. I don’t see why everyone wouldn’t be chill with that.

I’m desperate to brand myself as the ‘fun’ coworker. Is it working?!?!

Remember, the Swiftie is not here for football. The Swiftie is here for Taylor. Taylor is also not here for football. She is here for her latest flame, Travis Kelce. Travis is here for the Kansas City Chiefs. And by the transitive property, the Swifties are here for the Kansas City Chiefs. This is the nightmare we’re in, people. Apologies for the light math.

With songs like “I Like Rap Now (But Not Black People)” “America Is Racist (Against White Men)” “I Am 40 Years Old and Scared of the Dark” And more!

Dig. This is the tried and true method. An American classic. All you need is a spoon, some elbow grease and a heart full of dreams. Be careful as this method can create a lot of noise and if your digging wakes up the warden he will become very upset. Prison wardens are famously grouchy when they don’t get their beauty sleep.

There are old portraits of someone else’s family hanging on the walls. 2. The kitchen looks fully functional, but none of the appliances actually work. 3. You find a key hidden inside a fake rock. And more!