You’re going to call security? How. Dare. You. You didn’t hear it from me, but Tiny has problems with authority and will start head-butting everyone within a ten foot radius if he gets nervous. Can I straight up bribe you to watch my goats? All I have on me are goat pellets, but I’m sure the bank across the street knows the exchange rate. 

Bring a 3D visual of your ideal cut: Specifically, bring a mop.

So it turns out I thought I had hit mute but accidentally did not. My boss says "Gerald are you okay? We can hear you breathing on the line.". I begin to breathe heavier because famous author Malcolm Gladwell talks about the importance of meditation. I really hope famous author Malcolm Gladwell would be proud of me.

Side effects of Binge-A-Derm TV are common, but severe. They include an inability to communicate using anything other than TV references, contempt for anyone who hasn’t seen the latest episode, and nausea. Cool!

What’s a conception reception? Think Burning Man meets Midsommar. For the next seven days, we’ll be celebrating the ovulation happening in Sarah’s tubes and you’ll have a front row ticket to the show.

Yes indeed, everyone single person who swims in The Pool drowns. There have been hundreds of deaths. We had to install an incinerator in the basement to keep up with all the bodies. The wifi code is HamptonSmiles45. 

Three small suits tied together. Medium Suit, tiny David Byrne. Russian nesting suit. And more.

There’s a gaslight in the attic / Though the White House said one thing / They now deny and say another / And I think I’m going insane!

Camp Anti-Vaxxer, Camp Smash the Patriarchy, Camp Climate Change Survival and more!

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but your test results were positive.

A Wharton Alumni Reunion, A Zac Brown Band tailgate, A UCB sketch comedy team and more!

GPS watch: You used to turn to your dad for direction, but soon realized that all his advice was taken verbatim from a book he keeps in the bathroom called, “God Made Me Do It.”

Hey Google: Is it legal to sell my company’s couch and keep the money? Damnit, Google, no! Don’t tweet that!

I write to address a number of striking similarities between the details described in your lyrics and elements of our brief affair at Asbury Park last summer.

Put pancake mix into a ketchup bottle for easy squeezing. This will give you more time to write forced, unnatural dialogue.

The Big Bang Theon, Castle Black-ish, Saved By Tyrell and more.

I call him my little cuddle bunny, even though he's, like, slimy. I guess I could be hugging a wet garbage bag full of gym socks and get the same effect, but it wouldn't be alive, you know?

I suggest the following be recognized as valid, important, and, dare I say, brave forms of energy-saving and recycling: Retweeting your own tweets, Only saying “bless you” once when someone sneezes a bunch of times in a row Wearing the same sweatpants forever, Copying and pasting the sunglasses emoji in response to all text messages

You have tons of experience with laundry, so why not cash in on your expertise? Specialize in something like “blood stains” or “J.Lo’s award show gowns.” Film a series of highly relatable and hilarious short videos about laundry to use as advertisements for your new endeavor.

The beach trip to the Rockaways that ended after I texted everyone, “I think it’s going to rain, maybe we should ‘rain check’ hahahaha.” It didn’t rain, but the pun worked well.

I Transformed My Body Into A Pot Beef Stew For This Role: Christian Bale is a lock for another best actor nod as he's undergone his most ambitious body transformation to date by morphing himself into a delicious, simmering pot of beef stew. With dynamite performances by Paul Giamatti as the man who makes the stew and Amy Adams as the woman who eats it, this erotic thriller is fun for the whole family and may score Netflix it's first best picture win.

The real-life whale known as Mocha Dick that destroyed over 20 whaling boats in the early 19th century and partially inspired Melville's Moby Dick is now known to have also been the inspiration for L. M. Montgomery's Anne of Green Gables.