A great treat for kids who are too young to smoke, but still want to look cool. The candy cigarette paved the way for the invention of candy chewing tobacco, and candy nicotine patches. These are hard to find nowadays -  tobacco companies want kids to vape, anyway!

5-in-1 Scented Spray: Cologne, Air Freshener, Deodorant, Detergent & Breath Spray. When it comes to strong, masculine scents, here is the truth most people won’t tell you: more is more.

Finally: The Most Comfortable Pants In The World That No One Will Say Look Comfortable: I’ve worn these outside the house at least twenty different times and not one person (knock on wood) has said, “I like your pants, they look super comfortable.” Instead, they just say the first part of that sentence and then stop. I am amazed!

You can shoot me in the chest, gouge my eyes out, stab me with a knife, impale me with a knitting needle, burn me alive, hit me with a truck, throw me down a mine shaft and blast me with dynamite, electrocute me, trap me in a room full of gas and light a match, throw me off a roof, and behead me with an ax, but nothing will stop me from coming back again and trying to sell you this warranty.

Megabit Colormatch, Bedouin Stumbled Back, Benadryl McCumber Act, and more!

At a recent garage sale, I stumbled upon a used copy of Wackadoodle Mad Libs, one of my proudest literary achievements. Naturally, I was eager to flip through this old classic and personally witness the innocent sparks of imagination that my prose had fostered. What I saw instead was alarming, and more specifically, disgusting. Nearly every word that had been penciled into this children’s book was a reference to private body parts and/or their functional versatility. This is not an appropriate use of my work, and it must not continue.

They stole the ring from us - but they can never steal our passion for matching qualified buyers with the used vehicles of their dark, prophetic dreams! Show him the 2007 Ford Taurus, Precious! / Yes, look Master! A mid-sized family sedan that gets 25 miles to the gallon!

"Who Moved My Cheeseburger?" "Profiles in Cursing" and more!

From what I heard about Earth, this kind of colonization of peaceful places is...common? Things have gotten so much worse despite the ominous smile logo of the company that’s now on our new planet flag. 

Hummus: According to experts, 1 in 20 tubs of commercially produced hummus contains a bloodthirsty shark. Hummus companies are not sure why.

Which of these pop stars from your youth were treated unfairly in ways that damaged your own sense of self? Hint: This is a trick, it’s all of them.

Students: Are you going to grade this test? Teacher: Heavens no! But I might in like twelve years. If I find out then that you got any answers wrong, you're going to jail.

“Many fish get lost if they go too far up,” says Bass. “But that doesn’t mean they’re leaving the water or getting transported to some mystical ‘dry land’ where they’re chopped to pieces and devoured by walking-talking giants. Those stories are pure make-believe.”

3. Smoke. Ah, the yoga of the French. Their daily practice of loosening the body, stretching the sense of good breath and firming up their hand to mouth coordination starts young and never stops.

In the not-so-guest bedroom / There was a full-sized race car bed  / And my 398-month-old son tucked away, watching Beavis and Butthead 

Well, this was my revenge plan all along, you dingus! I knew if I kept the faith while you bullied me on earth, I’d get to spend an eternity rubbing it in your face while you got tortured by demons! I’ve always focused way more on the wrath part of Christianity than on the forgiveness part.

'When Peter Gabriel left the band Genesis, why didn’t they change their name to Exodus?' Good one! That has potential niche value, bridging the gap between fans of Genesis’s early prog years and people who are at least vaguely familiar with the first few books of the bible (or the Pentateuch, depending on their religion). You may have an original joke on your hands. But for a little peace of mind, let our state of the art machine learning assistant double check that for you. The Giggle search engine has returned just one result:

Thank you for choosing Home Depot, where doers get more done.…

So many new things to soon explore! Illustrated list by Thomas Wykes.

$42.00 from your therapist to her friend Krista for “cocktails Thursday night” - only two hours after your evening session. Is your stress so damn taxing on your therapist that she simply has no choice but to drink her annoyance away? Are you what’s pushing her to have to unwind like this? This feels like a slippery slope.

Hi everyone. I didn’t want to single anyone out, but it has come to my attention that some agents have been intimate with clients, and targets, and targets’ widows. This is just a reminder that someone cannot consent if they are afraid for their life. I have attached the code of conduct.

2:25 p.m.: Had to turn back. Alvin forgot his horse. Don’t feel like you have to wait for us to start the battle! 2:27: p.m.: Is there free parking in the scorched castle? 2:30 p.m.: Can’t find the horse. Checking bottomless pit in town square.

Tier 1 - Snack Me Off - $10.00/month: This entry-level subscription will give you full access to the photo catalogue of our powdered, glazed, and salt-studded talent. Enjoy the long, seductive curves, and girthy pretzel twists that you’ve grown to miss so deeply. Gaze lustfully at our house-made lemonade dripping wet over a mound of long, steaming pretzel dogs. Uh oh, silly us-- it looks like our sweet-cream glaze is oozing all over again. But don’t get full, because it doesn’t stop there. If you buy-in now, you’ll gain access to our newest, sexiest photo-set “The Pretzel Orgy” (these are just photos of pretzels in a big pile).